BRADLEY SMOKER | "Taste the Great Outdoors"

Miscellaneous Topics => General Discussions => Topic started by: icerat4 on March 22, 2007, 10:32:04 AM

Title: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on March 22, 2007, 10:32:04 AM
Only a person in chicago could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a
  sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
  Escanaba, Michigan after last call the  officer noticed a
  man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could
  barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity in which  he
  tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
  to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
  left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
  switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer
  night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
  times, honked the horn and  then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
  little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
  some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking
  lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the  road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
  now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
  promptly pulled the man over and administered a
  breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
  that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
 Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the police station. This
 breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
  said the truly proud Yooper.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."    :D :D :D ;D ;)


 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on March 22, 2007, 10:39:27 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Funny-Above.gif) Nice 1 Rat!  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on March 22, 2007, 10:51:46 AM
Funny but oh so true rat. I don't know how true it is but one of the gals at work said something like that was actually on the front page of the paper a few years ago in Wasilla, AK. Cracks me up! ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 22, 2007, 06:10:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on March 22, 2007, 08:49:48 PM
Thanks for sharing rat....Tommorrow I'll share with thousands :D ;D ;) See ya on the radio 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: NePaSmoKer on March 23, 2007, 07:14:27 PM
I have one for ya.

This happend in the town of Lititz Pa where my wife grew up at.

Early morning a patrol car was going up main st when he passed an Amish horse and buggy walking slow going down main st. The police officer noticed no person at the reins of the buggy. He turned around got next to the buggy and still nobody. He then got his car in front of the horse to stop him. Upon getting to the buggy he seen a young Amish guy passed out in back drunk. The horse was just going home on his daily rt.  ;D  ;D

Too funny, just a couple years ago.

nepas
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on March 23, 2007, 07:43:12 PM
I suspect he didn't get a ticket for drunk driving since he wasn't driving.  Gee, that autopilot is awsome.  Can't make them like that anymore. ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: NePaSmoKer on March 24, 2007, 05:43:19 AM
They didnt ticket him. They knew him and had another officer guide the horse home  ;D

nepas
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on March 26, 2007, 01:40:24 PM
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of
> boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
> instantly removed.
>
> 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
> timer.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
> rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
> afraid to cough.
>
> 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
> all about the toothache.
>
> 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
> You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
> should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
> 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
>
> If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
>
> And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
> you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>
> Some people are like Slinky's.....They are not really good foranything, but.....
> They still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
> stairs.
>
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on March 26, 2007, 01:56:00 PM
Haha! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-037.gif)

Hey i got one!, here goes:

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28 ) was
having trouble with one of her
students the teacher asked,"Boy what is your
problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the
first-grade.My sister is in the third-
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took boy to
the principal's office.

While boy waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms
Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third-grade should
know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"
The principal and boy, both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have
four of that I have only two of?

Boy... after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants
that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and
ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink
then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was
taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing
up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and
before
he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am
I" sort
of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside
me.You tie me down to get me up. I get wet
before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You
fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man
always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When
I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and
excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to
use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men
have one of it's longer on some men than on
others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to
his wife after they're married?

Boy.: Surname

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no
bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like
pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy.: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this boy to College, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself!"

 

:-[ :P ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 27, 2007, 05:03:12 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on March 28, 2007, 11:17:26 AM
I agree with the principal  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on March 29, 2007, 01:52:30 AM
A story for both sides of the pond

A couple celebrating 60 years of marriage decided to leave their sleepy little village called Lakenheath on the east coast of England and do a lifetime adventure driving West to East coast USA. Off they set and after visiting Las Vegas they headed on East and after miles of nothingness started to worry about getting fuel. On the outskirts of a small town there stood a lone filling station. In they pulled to be met by the owner of equal age.
Howdy what can I do for you?
Fill her up with petrol replied the Englishman
Hey what part of the world are you guys from? in this country we call it Gas
The old English girl was quite deaf and asked her husband what did he say? repeating herself what did he say?
He said they call it gas here not petrol
The garage owner then asked could he check the oil?
The old man replied Please I'll open the bonnet
Naw in this country we call it the hood
What did he say? what did he say?
He said over here its called the hood not the bonnet
The garage owner then asked if there was anything needing doing?
Yes please was the reply Could you please give the windscreen a wipe over
Windscreen is it over here we say its the windshield
What did he say? what did he say?
He said it's called a windshield not windscreen
Anyways says the garage owner that'll be $57
Oh said the Englishman my wallet is in the boot
Naw man over here we say my purse is in the trunk
What did he say? what did he say?
He says they call a wallet a purse and the boot the trunk
Well after it was all settled the garge owner brought the change out and asked where in the UK did they come from?
Oh we come from a place called Lakenheath
What did he say - what did he say
He wants to know where we come from
The garage owner then says he had been in the USAF and had spent 10 months on a posting to the UK based at RAF Lakenheath, and where he had met this young girl who turned out to be the worst love-maker he had ever met.
What did he say - what did he say
He thinks he knows you ;)

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 29, 2007, 03:29:22 AM
Hahaha, good ones Rat, LS and BB.  :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 29, 2007, 06:19:58 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on March 29, 2007, 06:24:54 PM
Why do I pay a prep service ??? ???.........Good stuff guys , Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on March 29, 2007, 10:48:01 PM
Haha! nice 1 Boybach!  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on March 31, 2007, 11:06:41 PM
Susie Lee, done fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all , she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon your Ma don't know, but Joe is your have brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will .
But after telling Pappy this , he said there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my Susie Gal, and please don't tell your mother.
But Will and Joe...and several mo', I know is your half brother.

But Mamma knew and said, my child, Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe , 'cause you aint no kin to Pappy


                                                    Coyote ;D
                             
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on April 01, 2007, 01:45:34 AM
Great 1 Coyote
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
BB
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on April 01, 2007, 08:20:01 AM
  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Cajun on April 04, 2007, 12:21:30 PM

                   The WASH CLOTH
 There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!) I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early One morning, I received A call from the doctor's office to tell me there was A cancellation and The 9:30am appointment was available.  I took it. I had Only just packed Everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't Have Any time To spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when Making such visits, But this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full Effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was Sitting next to The sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to Make Sure I was at least  Presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes Basket, donned some  Clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the  Procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked Over at the other  Side of the room and pretended that I  Was in Paris or some  Other such glamorous Place a million miles away.  I was a little surprise When the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra  Effort this morning,  Haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of Relief and went home. The rest Of the Day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.  After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out  From the  Bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"   I told her to get another one from the cupboard.  She replied,  "No!!!". Now wait for it......., this is too funny not to be true!! She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all  My glitter And sparkles saved inside it."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: boxertrio on April 04, 2007, 01:46:59 PM
Now thats funny....love it when the gals go that extra mile..... ;D


Here ya go..

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
>> engineer are walking together one day.
>> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
>>
>>
>> "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the
>> Genie.
>>
>>
>> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
>> also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "
>>
>>
>> Pooooof!
>> With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
>> fertile for farming.
>>
>>
>> Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall
>> around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside
>> and all Jews, Americans,and other infidel forever outside our precious
>> state.
>>
>>
>> "Pooooof!
>> Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
>> those countries..
>>
>>
>> The American engineer asks, "I am very curious.
>> Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's
>> 200 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds these
>> countries........it's virtually impenetrable.
>> Now what is your wish?"
>>
>>
>> The American engineer smiles and says,
>> "Fill it with water."
>>
>>
>> Pooooof!
>> WORLD PEACE
>>
>


OR this one


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
     
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.  "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.  As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.  He realized he'd left his gun at home and
so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting
rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?" asked the
doctor.   
 
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver." 
 
The doctor replied, "My point exactly.




edit...spelling
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on April 04, 2007, 09:48:27 PM
  :D  :D :D Pretty Good!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 04, 2007, 09:52:36 PM
 :D ;D :o
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 04, 2007, 10:50:18 PM
 Haha! keep em coming i say!  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 05, 2007, 06:42:23 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on April 05, 2007, 08:00:17 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 05, 2007, 12:17:45 PM
Another.........

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: boxertrio on April 05, 2007, 04:07:02 PM
Two Ladies talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! 'My name is Wanda.'
 2nd woman: Hi! 'I'm Sylvia.  How did you die?'
 1st woman: 'I froze to death.'
 2nd woman: 'How horrible!'
 1st woman: 'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
 to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'

 2nd woman: 'I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my 
husband  was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, 
I  found him all by himself watching TV.'


 1st woman: 'So, what happened?'
 
2nd woman: 'I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere,
that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the
 attic, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and
 checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked 
everywhere,  and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
 attack and died.'

 1st woman: 'Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be 
alive.'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 06, 2007, 06:10:27 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on April 06, 2007, 09:25:02 PM
An elderly gentle man was in to see the doctor.  The doctor asked him how things were going.  He said pretty well except he was having problems making love.  The doctor ask him to schedule an appointment next week and he would take a closer look.  The next week the elderly gentle man showed up with a lady and the doctor asked a few questions and the couple proceeded to show him how they made love.  After they finished the doctor said he didn't really see any thing wrong and was perplexed as to what the elderly gentle man was concerned with.  After several months of weekly visits to the doctors office by the couple, the doctor was totaly confused and told the elderly gentleman that there was he was unable to find anything wrong and appologized for not being any help.  The elderly gentleman said "quite on the contrary doc, you have helped us tremendously".  Now the doc was totaly dumb founded and asked "how is that?".  The gentleman explained, well doc, my mistress and I can't go to my house to make love as my wife will find out.  We can't go to my mistress' house as her kids are there.  The Hotel charges $80 dollars a night, with medicare, you only charge us $10.  I save $70 dollars and at my age, if I have a medical condition during this physical exertion, you are right there to provide emergency services.  That peace of mind and the savings has helped tremendously.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 06, 2007, 11:00:27 PM
 ;D :) AARP ::)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 07, 2007, 01:23:10 AM
 ;D ;D ;D Another............


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

'Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??' demanded the Grand Emir.

'One thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,' stammered the wretched Abdul, 'white man sit on well.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 07, 2007, 11:39:31 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  OK, now my side hurts guys!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 07, 2007, 08:22:23 PM
Hey Lilsmoker , That will be on the air come Monday.....Thanks ! :D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 08, 2007, 01:56:01 AM
Hey Lilsmoker , That will be on the air come Monday.....Thanks ! :D ;D ;D

Nice coyote, i bet you have a lot of fun at the radio station, i know it's an important job, but sounds like you have a great time over there  ;D (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 08, 2007, 08:36:06 PM
I really do Lilsmoker. It's a lot like this forum. It's the folks you get to meet and talk to that make
every day brand new , even when you do it every day. I love it. There are people I have talk to
on the phone a couple times a week , but have never seen. But it feels like old friend , their kids
and all. A lot of sharing. Very , very cool. 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on April 23, 2007, 09:46:41 AM
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind.


The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 23, 2007, 10:04:51 AM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 23, 2007, 11:18:43 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-cowboy-036.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on April 23, 2007, 11:25:25 AM
Nice one Icerat ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on April 26, 2007, 06:24:18 AM
Master of the House
 
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,"Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman.
 
""Oh yeah?" Charlie said.  "Any how did this one end?
 
""When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
 
""Really?  Now that's a switch!  What did she say?
 
"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-0."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 26, 2007, 09:49:26 AM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Banners/Funny-Post.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 26, 2007, 10:18:30 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Score-101010.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 26, 2007, 12:19:11 PM
Now that has on-air quality :D ;D :D...Thanks,
                                                     Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 27, 2007, 01:45:57 AM
Not so much a funny story as a few funny anecdotes..... unless you are afraid of flying!!

Subject: FW: Qantas - how to fly by the seat of your pants

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in c0ckpit.

S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in c0ckpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

So next time you take a flight think of this!!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 27, 2007, 04:31:28 AM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 30, 2007, 12:57:25 AM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to
him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her so...he
says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

>

>

>

>

>



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 30, 2007, 11:33:34 AM
That is halarious ! :D :D :D I can't wait to tell it to someone. Thanks Manxman 8)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on April 30, 2007, 11:55:02 AM
 :D  :D  :D Whewww  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 30, 2007, 12:04:30 PM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Big-Smile.gif)  Nice one.  Wife liked it as well - being a math teacher and all.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on April 30, 2007, 12:18:39 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) That's a goodun Manx! (http://www.smileyhut.com/excited/clap.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on April 30, 2007, 03:41:10 PM
Cajun,
Thought you'd get a kick out of this one and maybe NePa can use it on his next job interview.


Cajun Math Test......  my kind of test!  :-)
 
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.
 
Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
 
"Without numbers?"  The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
three trees.
 
 
"What's this?" the boss asks
 
"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
 
 
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
 
 
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."
 
 
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
 
"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree.  Dat is 99."
 
 
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
 
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One
hundred."
 
The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
 
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.  So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which
makes one hundred."
 
"So, when I start?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 30, 2007, 06:59:18 PM
 :D ;D Great story Gizmo............I get great material here. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on April 30, 2007, 07:11:44 PM
Station have an internet broadcast link ?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on April 30, 2007, 07:15:23 PM
We did but new regulations called for double writer royalties. Just like having two stations. So that killed
the internet broadcast. :(
                                                   Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 01, 2007, 08:00:06 AM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later,"
Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."A few more moments, "The Coopers are having SX !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed !
 
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having SX ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, TOO."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 01, 2007, 08:54:31 AM
Subject: Baseball in Heaven


Two 90  year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When  it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every  day. One day
Moe  says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives,  and we played
minor  league ball together for so many years. Please do  me one favor,
when  you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if  there's
baseball  there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death  bed," Moe, you've been  my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do  this  favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes  on.

At  midnight a  couple of nights later,  Moe is awakened from a sound
sleep by a  blinding flash of white light and a voice  calling out to him,

"  Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up  suddenly. "Who is  it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just  died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"  insists the  voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I  have  some really good news and a little
bad news."

"Tell me  the good news first," says  Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is  that  there's baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies  who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always spring
time and it never rains or snows. And best  of all, we can play baseball
all we want, and we never get  tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's  beyond my wildest  dreams!"

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching  Tuesday."


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 01, 2007, 09:14:48 AM
I want to live my next life backwards.
 
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
 
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
 
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
 
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
 
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get
ready for High School.
 
You go to primary school, you become a kid , youplay, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
 
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: fatandhappy on May 01, 2007, 11:56:10 AM
funny story.  works great untill you hit the check point.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 01, 2007, 12:56:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 08, 2007, 08:33:30 AM
Lesson to be learnt here particularly those who spend a good deal of time in shorts!!

Story in a local paper:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Liverpool Echo comes this story of a Merseyside couple who drove their car to the local supermarket, only to have the car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and was surprised to find herself herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by..... also in shorts but with his manhood firmly under cover.

The motor mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and broke his nose due to involuntarily head butting the underside of the car on having his "tackle" grabbed..
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on May 08, 2007, 08:45:41 AM
Yes indeed Manx! One should always make sure you are grabbing the lures from the tackle box that belongs to you and not someone else!  (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Feelings/NudgeNudge.gif)  (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Feelings/Green.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 08, 2007, 01:07:57 PM
Good one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on May 08, 2007, 01:25:54 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) That is funny Manx (http://www.smileyhut.com/excited/clap.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 09, 2007, 09:36:48 AM
Gotta Love Old Men
>>>>> >>
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>> >>
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in
your life?"
>>>>> >>
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son ??."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 09, 2007, 09:33:49 PM
.....A young man was sitting next to an elderly lady at the city park tennis courts , between games. He noticed
the lady was really giving him a going over , looking him up and down and making him quite nervous.
Finally she said to him , "young man , excuse me for being rude but what in the world is that big bulge
in your pants" ?.He replied "tennis balls"."... Oh my" :o she exclaimed , "you poor dear , I had tennis elbow
once............but that has to hurt like hell" !!!!!!!!!!! ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on May 09, 2007, 11:44:05 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/ROFL.gif) Yeah i like it! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Funny-Above.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 10, 2007, 04:25:05 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on May 10, 2007, 05:37:39 AM
Did I ever tell you guys how much I hate long lengthy ready jokes ? well sorry but some just need to be told .... bear with it I am sure you will enjoy
Mrs. Smith

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the batht ub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
moth er was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."


"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."  ;D




Mrs. Smith fainted




Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 10, 2007, 10:02:30 AM
A 2006 study by Texas A&M University  found that the average American
> walks about 900 miles per year.
>  >
> Another study by the American Beer Institute found that  Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer each year.
> >
> That means, on average, Americans get  approximately 41 miles per gallon.
>
> Not bad!     ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 13, 2007, 04:30:59 AM
Ran across this one recently.  You need to be sober when you read it, lol.  The subject was BAR STOOL ECONOMICS

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
 
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
 
So, that's what they decided to do.  The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.  "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
 
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men - the paying customers?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.  So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
 
And so:
 
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
 
Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free.  But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.  "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.  "We didn't get anything at all.  The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
 
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.  They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.  The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
 
David R.  Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics University of Georgia                                                                  For those who understand, no explanation is needed.  For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Cajun on May 13, 2007, 07:39:38 AM
The Facelift:
 
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was."

"What is it?" she asks.

He replies, "It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay, that's enough already. How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

" That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on May 13, 2007, 11:04:48 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) well guys for those.......(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Score-101010.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on May 13, 2007, 11:52:44 AM
Wildcat, that is probably the best description of our tax plan that I have ever read.   :D  Well stated story.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 13, 2007, 05:36:36 PM
 :D :D I love this place. :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 14, 2007, 07:16:10 AM
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
 A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder".

 The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid  the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

 (Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans....)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 17, 2007, 10:26:30 AM
Alice and Frank were Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business
in Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they need: a  tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc..
 
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such
a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Alice jumps.
 
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank
notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't
able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
 
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time,
she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and
is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and
says, "What happened?  Was the cord too long?"
 
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd!....What the f*ck is a piñata?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 17, 2007, 05:21:02 PM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif) Nice one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 17, 2007, 06:57:07 PM
 :o :D :D I love this place..............I'm using that Ratman.............very  8) and so damn funny !!!!



Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: sueblazer03 on May 17, 2007, 07:34:24 PM
 Great subject. I work in the auto industry and we found out yesterday our plant will be closing in 2 1/2 years. (and only a few lucky people will be be around when that happens.) So I printed a few of the jokes and passed them around most people needed a few laughs. Thanks.


 Sue

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 18, 2007, 02:19:58 PM
Be Very Quiet........

 A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

 The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

 A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back
 to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

 The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
 slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
 I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
 I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough
 when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak
 started itching.

 But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat
 them here or take them with us?'

 "Well, I guess I just panicked.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 20, 2007, 05:46:22 AM
TOMMOROW IS MONDAY NOW THATS NOT FUNNY  :'( :'(
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 21, 2007, 08:06:36 AM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little
old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a
little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico
with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand
sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile........
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing.........


"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 21, 2007, 09:01:09 AM
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 23, 2007, 10:46:09 AM
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

> Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread &
> beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
>
> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
> cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
>
> One of the hillbillies looks at her and yells, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
> shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue &
> shakes her head no.
>
> The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
> yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
> his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
> obstruction flies out of her mouth.
>
> As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
> but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Cajun on May 23, 2007, 12:40:26 PM


Ed was in trouble.   :-[
 
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
 
His wife was really angry.
 
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 160 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
 
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
 
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box, gift wrapped, in the driveway.
 
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened it.
 
In it she found a brand new bathroom scale.
 
Funeral services for Ed are scheduled for Friday   :(

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 23, 2007, 01:17:07 PM
Nice one ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 23, 2007, 02:11:16 PM
Will I Live To Be 80?


I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for
my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a crap.”
 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 24, 2007, 09:30:55 PM
It's like very cool bedtime stories 8)............................Now where's my bottle ???.... ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on May 25, 2007, 08:01:34 AM
A man is at work one day when he notices that his
>> co- worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows
>> his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
>> and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
>>
>> The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
>> were into earrings."  "Don't make such a big deal,
>> it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
>>
>> His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
>> his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have
>> you been wearing one?"
>>
>> "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on May 25, 2007, 08:21:57 AM
If I keep reading this thread I'm going to have to have my ribs taped up.  LMAO  These are GREAT posts.

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on May 25, 2007, 11:25:57 PM
The priest and the rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding
and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on May 26, 2007, 03:32:52 AM
Great thread!!! Laughed out loud for the hind lick maneuver.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 27, 2007, 08:01:49 AM
Hey LilSmoker ,  :D :D :D You'll be on the air this week. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 01, 2007, 08:38:38 AM
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked  Luigi,

On his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried  to treat-a her
well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a  dat I took
her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a  get her."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 01, 2007, 01:05:12 PM
Chelsea Clinton while working on her masters had to do some reporting for the college paper. She decided
to interview a student that had just finished a 13 month tour in Iraq in the Army. Chelsea started the
interview by asking " after being in such a dangerous place for so long , what are your three greatest
fears for America, and rate them"?............He responded " #3 Osahma...#2 Obama...#1 and yo mamma !"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 01, 2007, 02:09:15 PM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Grin-Nod.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 01, 2007, 02:33:06 PM
Ya like that one huh old man.Too funny ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 01, 2007, 03:43:50 PM
Short and true coyote. :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 02, 2007, 02:28:47 AM
Hmmmm, apply to anyone?  :P

(http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070602/scrbal070602.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on June 02, 2007, 06:52:49 AM
(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) Yeah nice one coyote! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

HCT: That cartoon reminds me of a neighbour where i used to live (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/2Thumbs.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on June 03, 2007, 10:33:52 AM
The Jumper

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 21:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 22:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Bob took the money...
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Arcs_n_Sparks on June 03, 2007, 11:13:03 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 03, 2007, 12:56:39 PM
 :D Love the blond jokes.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 03, 2007, 01:48:17 PM
 ;) :D 8) Good Lilsmoker
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 03, 2007, 05:58:50 PM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Thats-Funneh.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on June 03, 2007, 11:56:35 PM
Hey LS
Great one - made me belly laugh ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 04, 2007, 12:21:55 PM
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development, a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
 
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
 
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
 
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
 
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?'
 
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
 
'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 04, 2007, 12:58:36 PM
(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Grin-Nod.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 04, 2007, 07:36:45 PM
A woman with fresh tattoos was at a party and was really proud of her new art work. After bragging about
them all evening and enjoying a few adult beverages from Sparklers cooler(couldn't resist ;D)She just had to start showing them off. Being an old time country music fan she had Conway Twitty on the inside of
one thigh and Porter Wagoner on the inside of the other...Well she took a seat and up came her skirt. :o
She ask one of the onlookers which one they liked best.....Conway on the left or Porter on the right ?
The guy said , well they're both pretty good,but that one in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Arcs_n_Sparks on June 04, 2007, 07:59:41 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 12, 2007, 03:04:26 AM
"Apple Computer announced  today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music  in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on  size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 12, 2007, 04:18:42 AM
 ;D Now that is my kind of pillow!  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on June 12, 2007, 09:55:24 AM
 ;D ;D BOOM BOOM  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 12, 2007, 10:15:37 AM
Apple must know me well I guess Manx. Don't let Ann see this one or I'm in trouble (again) ::) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 12, 2007, 12:00:26 PM
Nice one.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on June 12, 2007, 08:41:47 PM
I know there was a reason I always liked listening to music when I go to bed. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 12, 2007, 10:00:57 PM
Great one Manx  :D I guess the ones that play Dolly Parton"s music may cost a little extra. ;D



Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 13, 2007, 02:37:05 AM
IDIOT SIGHTING:
>I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
>one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
>the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
>Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
>"Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than
>1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used
>Sears repair since.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 13, 2007, 10:38:51 AM
Wasilla, Alaska
 
              A guy from Wasilla passed away and left his entire
              estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              How do you know when you're staying in a Wasilla hotel?
              When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my
              sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              How can you tell if a Wasilla redneck is married?
              There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
              pickup truck.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking
              age in Wasilla to 32?
              It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Wasilla?
              Documentaries.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

              Where was the toothbrush invented?
              Wasilla. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
              would have been called a teeth brush.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A Wasilla State trooper pulls over a pickup on the Glen
              and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
              and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Did you hear about the $3 million Wasilla Lottery?
              The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              The governor's mansion in Wasilla burned down!
              Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
              library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and
              he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A new law was recently passed in Wasilla. When a couple
              gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A guy walks into a bar in Wasilla and orders a mudslide.
              The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
              'round here are ya?
              "No," replies the man, "I'm from Anchorage".
              The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya
              do in Anchorage?"
              "I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
              The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
              in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
              "The man says,"I mount animals".
              The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
              bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 13, 2007, 11:21:02 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 13, 2007, 12:51:07 PM
 ;D  Sounds like some of the rednecks just a little north of us!  That is up by the way!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 13, 2007, 10:24:32 PM
Oh Hell Yes !!! :D :D Funny stuff Iceman. Thanks for the material ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 13, 2007, 10:57:02 PM
real rednecks
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/hmsecurity.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 13, 2007, 10:58:57 PM
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/caralarm.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 14, 2007, 02:46:34 AM
Hey, the security sysem looks like my place. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 14, 2007, 01:14:12 PM
Hey, the security sysem looks like my place. :D :D :D
AWH SHOOT man I got a highrise de lux place
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/deerstand.jpg)

WITH A OUTDOOR GRILL
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/rngrill.jpg)
ROFLMAO  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 14, 2007, 04:57:40 PM
Great idea.  Camper/home, high and dry, doubles as a deer stand.  Hard to beat.  Grill looks relatively inexpensive and has large capacity to boot.  Probably do a whole hog in it.  Need to figure out a rotisserie.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on June 14, 2007, 10:21:15 PM
Very observant Wildcat, some one took the wheels off the rotisserie.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 15, 2007, 06:15:05 AM
Wal-Mart APPLICATION .........


This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .

They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:   1:30-3:30 p.m.  Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!   
                            On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely
 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 15, 2007, 06:23:21 AM
 :D Gotta remember this one in case I decide to get another job in the future Not!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 15, 2007, 08:34:44 AM
Hey Cat, keep in mind he was 74 and probily didn't care if he got job or not. Shoot I just hope I'm that share at 74 lol
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 15, 2007, 09:31:36 AM
I am not that old, but if I ever did apply for a job I would not care either.  I retired October 1, 2006 and still have NO desire to get another job.  I worked for 36 years to enjoy my retirement and that is what I am going to do.  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on June 15, 2007, 04:44:23 PM
 Birds
 
      Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle
waited at the nest for Mary his darlin of 10 glorious years.He went looking
and found her.She had been shot. Dead!
       Harry was devastated.After about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the
feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
       He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was
OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!I am a DOVE
I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of
 
the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.He found a very sexy LOON and
brought her back to the nest,again the sex was great ,but all the LOON would
 
say is ,I am a LOON,I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads,out
with the LOON.
 
     Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great,but
all the DUCK would say was...well ..... you know ......
 
       No ...... the DUCK didn`t say THAT!!!!!  What an awful thing to
think!
 
   The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 15, 2007, 06:26:51 PM
Cute
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 16, 2007, 02:13:58 AM


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. The usual story......"I promise!" and all that!

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down WAY too easy. Around 3 in the morning and a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed )....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her "midnight"!

She didn't seem p*ssed off at all..... hey, got away with that one!

Then she said, "There is somthing wrong with the cuckoo clock, we need a new one."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh sh*t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f*rted!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on June 16, 2007, 06:40:45 AM
This is a good place for me to join the thread to laugh at a joke.  Good one, Manx.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 16, 2007, 07:20:22 AM
 :D  :D  :D  Laughed out Loud! Great story!  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on June 16, 2007, 08:15:50 AM
Very funny story Manx.  My wife cracked up  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 16, 2007, 08:49:32 AM
Great one Manx..............Sounds like the story of my life in rewind.............Still laughing ! :D ;D 8)




Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 16, 2007, 10:34:41 AM
 ;D  ;D I hope she took a photo of you when she told you all that and post it on here.  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 16, 2007, 01:42:49 PM
hahahahaha awh man? let me know how much the NEW grand farther oops I mean Father clock cost. ROFLMAO
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 19, 2007, 06:26:17 AM
After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Steve, wake up you drunken bastard, you're 0tin' in the bed!
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on June 19, 2007, 06:42:50 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 19, 2007, 10:50:31 AM
That was great TT. :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 19, 2007, 08:01:11 PM
Not sure this is funny or true - from an email i recd.  I think it is pretty close.

>> >>(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
>> >>
>> >>(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
>> >>
>> >>(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.
>> >>
>> >>====================================================================
>> >>
>> >>Now think about this: Guns:
>> >>
>> >>(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
>> >>
>> >>(Yes, that's 80 million..)
>> >>
>> >>(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
>> >>1,500.
>> >>
>> >>(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of FBI
>> >>
>> >>So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more
>> dangerous
>> >>than gun owners.
>> >>
>> >>Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
>> >>
>> >>FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
>> >>DOCTOR.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
>> doctors
>> >>before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>> >>
>> >>Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the
>> statistics
>> >>on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
>> >>medical attention.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 20, 2007, 06:34:25 AM
man i never thought just how much stuff there is ?


>> How to Make a Woman Happy
>>
>> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
>> 1 A friend
>> 2. A companion
>> 3. A lover
>> 4. A brother
>> 5 . A father
>> 6. A master
>> 7. A chef
>> 8. An electrician
>> 9. A carpenter
>> 10. A plumber
>> 11. A mechanic
>> 12. A decorator
>> 13. A stylist
>> 14. A sexologist
>> 15. A gynecologist
>> 16. A psychologist
>> 17. A pest exterminator
>> 18. A psychiatrist
>> 19. A healer
>> 20. A good listener
>> 21. An organizer
>> 22. A good father
>> 23. Very clean
>> 24. Sympathetic
>> 25. Athletic
>> 26. Warm
>> 27. Attentive
>> 28. Gallant
>> 29. Intelligent
>> 30. Funny
>> 31. Creative
>> 32. Tender
>> 33. Strong
>> 34. Understanding
>> 35. Tolerant
>> 36. Prudent
>> 37. Ambitious
>> 38. Capable
>> 39. Courageous
>> 40. Determined
>> 41. True
>> 42. Dependable
>> 43. Passionate
>> 44. Compassionate
>>
>> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>> 45. Give her compliments regularly
>> 46. Love shopping
>> 47. Be honest
>> 48. Be very rich
>> 49. Not stress her out
>> 50. Not look at other girls
>>
>> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>> 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>> 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>> 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
>>
>> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>> 54. Never to forget:
>> * birthdays
>> * anniversaries
>> * arrangements she makes
>>
>> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>> 1. Show up naked
>> 2. Bring food, beer, and smile.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 20, 2007, 08:46:33 AM
Exchanges between pilots and control towers, apologies for occasional political incorrectness!!

 
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

 
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa  (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 
Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."   

 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:  " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206!  Clear of active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:  "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:  "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):  "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 20, 2007, 05:42:28 PM
 :D  :D Good stuff manx  8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 21, 2007, 04:48:04 AM
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ...... a different point of view.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain.., Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoo what a ride".

THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, MAKE THE BEST OF IT, AND ENJOY IT.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on June 21, 2007, 12:21:41 PM
Bono Vox, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being "socially aware." He was playing a
concert in Glasgow when he asked the audience for total quiet. In the
silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.......once every few
seconds. With the audience totally silent, he then said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From
near the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Scottish accent
pierced the silence: "Well, fookin' stop clappin' then!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 21, 2007, 02:32:41 PM
too too funny, cracks me up....ROFLMAO
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 21, 2007, 02:41:42 PM
Subject: MEN.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J  This is my all-time favorite!!!! J


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ."HEBREWS"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on June 21, 2007, 05:33:08 PM
Those are good.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 22, 2007, 01:15:24 AM
Good ones!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 25, 2007, 05:47:21 PM
Reminds me  8)

The Haircut (Women's Version)
 
Ashley:    Beth!  Did you get a haircut????  It's sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth:       Really?  Do you really think so?  I don't like it very much.
Ashley:    I love it!!!  I love the way it frames your face and sets off your figure.
Beth:       I think it makes me look fat.
Ashley:    No, girl ... you aren't fat!  I would *die* to have your waist.  I mean, my butt is so big, I can't fit into my jeans.
Beth:       Oh, your butt is OK.  At least you have great-looking toes.  I hate my toes ... they look gross, especially in my open-toe pumps.
Ashley:    But, your legs are awesome.  You can get away with wearing any type of shoe.  I am thinking of switching to army boots.
Beth:       You would sooooo look gorgeous in dark green, it would match your eyes.
Ashley:    You think so?  I have always thought my eyes would go better with brown.
Beth:        No ... I really think green ... I have always wanted your eyes.
 
 
The Haircut (Men's Version)
Allen:     Hey, Bob ... get a haircut?
Bob:       Yep.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 25, 2007, 06:51:56 PM
hahahahahaha--why do I think of TOOL TIME when I read that?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chuck steak on June 25, 2007, 06:59:40 PM
well here's mine, I was whinning about the coast of wood pucks durring frathers day weekend. so wifie ordered pucks w/o me knowing...low and behold the same day ( monday after F's day) I ordered 3 x 120 pucks as did she so now I got enough pucks to smoke a pig farm. jeeze louise. WHAT A GURL I love I do
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on June 27, 2007, 02:02:33 AM
How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move
the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the
miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid
of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

When you click on this link move your mouse around inside the circle and
click.

http://www.1-click.jp


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on June 27, 2007, 04:11:58 AM
That is great!!  I always wondered why my screen sometimes smells like the inside of a locker room when I've been active with the mouse.  ;D ;D ;D Thanks for the post.

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 27, 2007, 07:27:48 PM
 Hollywood Squares
>>   If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
>> may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
>> from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
>> spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the
>> host asking the questions, of course.
>>
>> Q. Do female frogs croak?
>> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>> 
>> Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
>> high should you be?
>> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>>
>> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
>> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>>
>> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
>> or a woman?
>> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>> !
>> Q According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>> you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
>> if he's married?
>> A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
>> 
>> Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
>> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>>
>> Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
>> You"?
>> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>>
>> Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
>> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
>> apartment.
>>
>> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
>> hands while talking?
>> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
>> I'll give you a gesture you' l  never forget.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on June 28, 2007, 04:52:40 AM
Great stuff guys! :D 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 28, 2007, 04:59:32 PM
Love it WCK! :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: projump on June 28, 2007, 07:28:10 PM
The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."      (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Big-Smile.gif)
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 30, 2007, 11:41:10 AM
  :D  :D  :D True bliss  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 02, 2007, 11:00:23 AM
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You  juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...


>

>

>

>

>

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa??

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 02, 2007, 07:16:57 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Way to funny Manx!!!!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: projump on July 03, 2007, 09:47:34 AM
>         George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
>
>
>
>
>
>         Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we
> use.....
>         The best way to stop using so much gas is to
> deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
>         That would be 11 million less people using
> our gas. The price of gas would come down.....
>
>
>         Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the
> Border....
>         When they catch an illegal immigrant
> crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and
> some ammo and ship him to Iraq ....
>         Tell him if he wants to come to America then
> he must serve a tour in the military.....
>         Give him a soldier's pay while he's there
> and tax him on it.....
>         After his tour, he will be allowed to become
> a citizen since he defended this country......
>         He will also be registered to be taxed and
> be a legal patriot......
>         This option will probably deter illegal
> immigration and provide a solution for the troops in
> Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
> themselves......
>         If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq
> anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....
>         Problem solved.....
>
>
>
>         If you think this is a good solution to both
> the problems, forward it to your
> friends.............
>
>
>
>         I just did..........
>
>
>
>         George Carlin 
>               
>       
>
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 03, 2007, 03:12:24 PM
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a therapist.  Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese therapist, Dr Chang.  So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."  Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."  So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your problem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied:  "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary  same as other end.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on July 03, 2007, 03:55:54 PM
Great one Manxman !!! :D :D..................Iceman.....you really do know  8)




Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 03, 2007, 11:52:21 PM
Hahaha..... nice one Pat.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 04, 2007, 12:56:52 AM
Woman was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.  Her husband walked in and she turned and said,  "You've got to make love to me this very minute."

His eyes lit up and he thought,  "Hey, this is my lucky day, she must think I'm soooo s*xy."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all.........right there on the kitchen table.  Afterwards she said,  "Thanks,"  and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Ah", she explained,  "The egg timer's  broken."

 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on July 04, 2007, 09:00:09 AM
All my favorites, especially Mr. Zachory and the numbaa 69.

And Manx: quit talking to my wife! ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 04, 2007, 12:28:01 PM
Quote
And Manx: quit talking to my wife!


Hahaha......  :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on July 06, 2007, 05:41:04 AM
It's Saturday night and Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world.

So he throws on his cape and heads off to a party. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite.
To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked in her bed, lying spread eagle on her back.

Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it."

So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out.

At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?"

 "No," replies the Invisible Man, "but my butt is killing me.
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on July 06, 2007, 04:11:43 PM
 :D  :D  :D Headgames that is horrible  :D  :D  :D sick, sick  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 07, 2007, 01:13:58 AM
Sick but FUNNY!!!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on July 07, 2007, 06:20:18 AM
hmmmmmmmmm  well  there are 2 types of jokes .......... clean jokes .... and good jokes ......

What is the difference between a 18 year old prostitute . and a 60 year old prostitute ...............

one uses  KY ....... the other  POLYGRIP ................ :o



If I pushed the envelope of acceptable jokes too far let me know . ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 09, 2007, 04:56:47 PM
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

 

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

 

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

 

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

 

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

 

.

..
...
....
.....
......
.......
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on July 09, 2007, 07:29:23 PM
Great one Wildcat :D..........Quit pickin' on us West Virginians :o
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Cajun on July 10, 2007, 08:36:19 AM
                                                                                                                                                                                         

 
                                                            "Cajun "Millionaire"
Boudreaux and his wife of 5 years Doris are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to fool around?"
"No." She answered.
He then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
Then Boudreaux said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing he can remember.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Cajun on July 10, 2007, 05:05:26 PM
                                               Old Man On A Moped
Doctor buys a new Ferrari GTO, the most expensive car in the world, and it costs $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his he ad in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right..but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."   

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 10, 2007, 05:47:54 PM
Ya got me, Cajun. Loved it.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 10, 2007, 06:42:32 PM
Got me too!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 12, 2007, 02:47:36 AM
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire shopping-list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her all over.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,................ 

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 17, 2007, 10:01:15 AM
So that's how it happens. :D :D :D


(http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070717/scrbal070717.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 17, 2007, 03:30:57 PM
To funny Manx :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on July 17, 2007, 03:54:48 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) That's another goodun Manx (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 18, 2007, 07:06:55 AM
A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A MINNESOTA PUBLIC RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42, 500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It's mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on
the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They
decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the
ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite
with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the
fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with
a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as
possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the
dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the
stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits
the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on
the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite
under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet
to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks lived in the
South.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 18, 2007, 07:18:17 AM
Ha, gotta love that one. Thanx rat. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 18, 2007, 07:49:06 AM
The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day
she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of  your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle
of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had  been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"    Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,

"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on July 18, 2007, 07:55:01 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)

You are a rascal Mr. Rat! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 18, 2007, 09:42:16 AM
In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men
were considered some of the world's most successful
of their days.

Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 18, 2007, 11:04:42 AM
Haha...... you are on a roll rat!!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 18, 2007, 02:07:26 PM
All good ones.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 19, 2007, 03:38:56 AM
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.


However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."


The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."


So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"


No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate s*x for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>


Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 19, 2007, 08:01:04 AM
Ain't it the truth. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 19, 2007, 08:50:29 AM
That one i like. GOOD ONE. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 19, 2007, 09:26:16 AM
I resemble that one Manx. Geez guys, I'm just kidding. Don't tell Ann I said that. :o :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Macman on July 19, 2007, 10:31:47 AM
 ;D I am a bit slow here, i was wondering why this thread went on and on and on...LOL, guess i have some catchin up to do...  ;D

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on July 21, 2007, 11:11:34 AM
I had no idea but it sure seems to be true. 

(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k18/WCK_02/BuffaloTheory.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 21, 2007, 01:21:24 PM
Makes sense to me. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 23, 2007, 08:29:56 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns .
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the
doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, It'll keep the sheets off his legs.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on July 24, 2007, 05:31:57 AM
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to
do the same to her right thigh.  ;D

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are
you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 24, 2007, 05:59:32 AM
Hahaha.......... you just beat me to it headgames, I was about to post the same joke. It must be doing the email rounds on both sides of the pond!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 24, 2007, 06:57:45 AM
Subject: Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize tru e human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"  Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smi le, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a sm all tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give a way their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base . He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled..

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him b y turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, w ere on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chance s are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day
---------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 24, 2007, 09:07:16 AM
Quote
Would you have made the same choice?


Yes.... IMHO there are no losers in this story.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Boybach on July 24, 2007, 09:24:32 AM
Iceman
We often hear quoted the line "man's inhumanity to man" your story today was a rare glimpse of man's humanity and humility. I am proud to send your story on to all of my friends in its entirety and at the same time thanking God for our blessings
Boybach
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on July 24, 2007, 10:42:58 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

 

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: NePaSmoKer on July 25, 2007, 09:33:05 AM
:D  :D  :D :D
yeah

nepas
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 25, 2007, 12:11:55 PM
  A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support    payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti !! Two with  meatballs, one without!  Request bread immediately..."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on July 25, 2007, 01:15:14 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 25, 2007, 01:24:26 PM
Atsa justa likea good Italiano boy. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 25, 2007, 01:36:33 PM
Thats funny wilddog.real funny ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on July 25, 2007, 02:15:20 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif) Nice 1 Wildcat, i love this thread (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-047.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 26, 2007, 01:13:09 AM
Great joke Wildcat. :D


THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said ,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


...
.....
......
........
.........
...........
.............
...............
..................
......................
...........................
................................
........................................
...............................................

Always keep your condoms in your car!




Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 26, 2007, 12:15:11 PM
Nice one.  One would have to decide whether he/she was truely in love enough to get married.  Now, one has to worry about all the in-laws in the future.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on August 01, 2007, 05:56:25 AM
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 01, 2007, 11:28:22 AM
 ;D  Quick - go save the smoker!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on August 01, 2007, 01:05:21 PM
That's funny Manx (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif)

Good one Rat! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif)


Oh btw have you ever wondered?

(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/thatwasntchicken.jpg)



(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 04, 2007, 04:44:46 PM
May not be funny but a good read anyway.

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached.

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn' t have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping! the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.
 

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 06, 2007, 02:11:10 AM
Quote
but a good read anyway.


Definately.  :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 10, 2007, 12:25:05 PM
Great read Wildcat. Thanks. Made me smile today. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 13, 2007, 06:52:34 AM
Two aliens landed in the USA desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien told him, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the c*cky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his p*nis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 13, 2007, 07:31:14 AM
Great one Manx  ;D ;D ;D  That is sound advice indeed!!!!

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 13, 2007, 08:44:21 AM
 ;D Yeah, I would not mess with him either!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on August 13, 2007, 10:38:33 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 13, 2007, 12:57:36 PM
I do think the alien just got "HOSED". :D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 14, 2007, 01:37:46 AM
Quote
I do think the alien just got "HOSED".

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 17, 2007, 11:46:28 AM
Scrabble:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 17, 2007, 12:48:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 20, 2007, 01:26:11 AM
Cowboy Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.


He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over "Nope."


Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"


 

Bessie looks up and says, " Roy , what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."


Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"


 

To which Bessie replies,

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Shoulda bought a hat, Roy , shoulda bought a hat"
 

 



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 20, 2007, 08:09:11 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 20, 2007, 01:46:42 PM
Or at least a tie! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hillbillysmoker on August 20, 2007, 04:02:34 PM
Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. the
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!! The
woman is amazed!!!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!!! The woman sleeps
soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into
the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and
as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to
his Dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't
know where we were......Or what we did.. But, by God... We took
First and Second place!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 20, 2007, 04:11:27 PM
Naw - she wouldn't!?  ??? ::)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 21, 2007, 01:03:18 AM
How many people can relate to this scenario!!:


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my effing
fault."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 21, 2007, 05:14:20 AM
Good one Manxman.  That woman is right on the money!!  ;D ;D

tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 21, 2007, 08:47:13 AM
Oh how true it is Manx :D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on August 21, 2007, 10:19:44 AM
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important.
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent workers. He decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came to work the next morning with a horrible hangover from partying most of the night before. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never needed to do this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she said... "I feel like crap !
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 21, 2007, 12:48:23 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: MWS on August 21, 2007, 03:14:50 PM
The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for us. How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent .

Click on the link below and you will find out. Slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Follow this link and find out the truth

http://www.1-click.jp/
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 21, 2007, 03:39:14 PM
Hey mws I think that was me with the bald head in back :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 22, 2007, 03:57:05 PM
Subject:  Would you marry again.

 A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
 looks over at him and asks a bold question.
 WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

 HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

 WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

 HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

 WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

 HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

 WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

 HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

 WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

 HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

 WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

 HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

 WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

 HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

 WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

 HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

 WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

 HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

 WIFE: -- silence --

 HUSBAND: "YIKES."

 NOTE: He did survive but made the New England Medical Journal front page.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 22, 2007, 04:32:00 PM
Oops!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 23, 2007, 03:37:53 AM
 An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather hesitantly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his
glasses, he quietly asked, "Is that one word or two?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on August 23, 2007, 04:57:28 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 23, 2007, 06:22:27 AM
Excellent one  ;D ;D. 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 23, 2007, 09:03:06 AM
Good one Manx.  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on August 27, 2007, 09:52:55 PM
Finally , an answer to a long ask question. Why do divorces cost so much ?


Because they're worth it !!!!!!! :o
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 28, 2007, 12:59:55 AM
WHY PARENTS DRINK!!!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.  Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him ?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"  "Yes ."

"May I talk with her?"  Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy   ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 28, 2007, 01:08:31 AM
Goldilocks & Three Bears

Baby bear goes downstairs, and sits in his small chair at the big table.  He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty."Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last nightand put everything away. It
was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who
walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and
refilled their water. "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence.

Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.........

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 28, 2007, 02:56:44 AM

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska .  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."  The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Nebraska . We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"  The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

"Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 28, 2007, 04:30:14 AM
All good ones manxman!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on August 28, 2007, 11:56:53 PM
Haha! i love this thread especially for the "feel good" factor ;D, here's another:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted!

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS..... Sure is freaking hot down here!

 :o ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 29, 2007, 01:16:06 AM
Hahaha................  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: MoSmoke on August 29, 2007, 03:02:04 AM
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"If I took Viagra, can I get it over the counter"?

The pharmacist replys, "You might. if you took two".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 29, 2007, 03:40:47 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 30, 2007, 11:33:05 AM
GRANDMA'S DAY IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

 He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

 She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
 The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

 "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on August 30, 2007, 11:43:05 AM
Good one Cat.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 30, 2007, 11:49:25 PM
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why does the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 31, 2007, 01:35:54 AM
I would like to enter this as a candidate for "worst joke ever"!!   ;) :D

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited
the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten."


A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & low &
behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately
swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad
plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again &
he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found
himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a coc ktail. (The punch line does not involve a Prawn
coc ktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.


"He's at home, still distraught that you, his best friend changed sides
to the enemy & became a shark"; came the reply.


Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out & see me again."


Christian replied," No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on August 31, 2007, 02:57:50 AM
Slaps head :P
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on August 31, 2007, 03:17:17 AM
Wildcat, 3rensho  and Manx  (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Good-Post.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Score-101010.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Victory.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: MoSmoke on August 31, 2007, 05:32:06 AM
That's about as fishy as Michael Vick.
Vick better start worrying about a tight end...................

MoSmoke
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on August 31, 2007, 01:36:35 PM
Holy Mackerel Manx. That's one Pearl of a joke. Made me Clam up while I was reading it. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 01, 2007, 08:25:40 AM
 :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 05, 2007, 01:30:24 PM
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered 'Call for backup.'
_____________

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'  'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment, then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
_____________

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and share cute things with people who need a laugh.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on September 05, 2007, 02:22:50 PM
Thanks Cat...I needed a smile today.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: NePaSmoKer on September 07, 2007, 07:02:09 AM
  :D  :D  :D  :D

I was aked in an interview one time this.

You have a huge tree on your property and the shade even covers your neighbors deck, You want to trim it or cut it down, what do you do?

I said trim it.

The interviewer guy told me that was not the answer he was looking for and I will get a letter in the mail telling me my interview results.

This was a few years ago when i was applying for a truck driving job with Schneider. I got the reply saying i was not hired because the position was filled  :D  :D


nepas
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on September 07, 2007, 02:52:45 PM
A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on
> his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
> drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a
> typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs,
"That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical
> Green Bay baby boy.
>
> Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
> "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
> father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

> Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
>
> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What
> happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
>
> The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer,wipes
> his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
>
>
> "...Had him circumcised!"  ;D

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: oguard on September 07, 2007, 05:57:37 PM
Being a Cheese head I am LMAO ;D ;D ;D

Good one Headgames

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on September 10, 2007, 03:22:33 PM
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 11, 2007, 10:53:36 AM
Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.  The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price - in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.  "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

 
10. Chateau Traileur Parc

 

 9. White Trashfindel

 

 8. Big Red Gulp

 

 7. World Championship Riesling

 

 6. NASCARbernet

 

 5. Chef Boyardeaux

 

 4. Peanut Noir

 

 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

 

 2. Grape Expectations

 

  1. Nasti Spumante

 

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 12, 2007, 06:48:01 AM
A bakery owner hires a young female salesgirl who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the salesgirl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please" the man says politely.

The female nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As she retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the girl climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on September 12, 2007, 07:12:25 AM
Cute  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on September 12, 2007, 07:31:54 AM
Wish I could find a place like that with Rye in the Raisin spot. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 12, 2007, 10:28:59 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on September 13, 2007, 08:51:51 AM
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.

She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I would marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages
came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight
of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The
thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left very sad and heart broken. And days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were
yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human! brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was
always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift !!

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children -
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and! compla in about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a Smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive and still around
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on September 13, 2007, 12:24:18 PM
Hey Rat, while that one wasn't funny, it was a nice message that we all need to hear once in a while.  Thank you very much for posting it.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 13, 2007, 12:54:02 PM
Hey Rat, while that one wasn't funny, it was a nice message that we all need to hear once in a while.  Thank you very much for posting it.

I second that.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on September 13, 2007, 04:12:19 PM
Great post  Rat. Things I know that I forget at times. ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on September 13, 2007, 04:17:33 PM
You know, Rat, there I go reading that sympathetic story, imagining that Mr. Icerat really has an appreciation for the important things...

Then I see a penguin getting smacked in the back of the head into an ice pool.

I like irony.   ;D  Cheers.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on September 13, 2007, 04:32:11 PM
Thanks for the post rat. The rest of the week will be enjoyed for sure, whether that #!!xx?!### boss of mine likes it or not. ;D ;)
A person needs to think like that more often. :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: MWS on September 19, 2007, 12:36:35 PM
Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 --- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on September 19, 2007, 01:10:36 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on September 19, 2007, 03:43:21 PM
I know some of those attorney's. They were my ex wife's. :D ;D

Her attorney asked me at the divorce hearing,

ATTORNEY: What kind of a day are you having?
ME: Not good, and you?
ATTORNEY: I'll ask the questions here, what do you think this is young man?
ME: I don't know but I thought it was a divorce hearing.
ATTORNEY: Do you have something against attorneys?
JUDGE: That type of question is irrelevant please keep to the purpose of this hearing.
ME: I'm not opposed to answering that question your honer.
ATTORNEY:So?
ME: Nothing against my attorney but let the record know I think my ex needs to get a better attorney because I really have no doubt you're an idiot and wasting her money.
JUDGE: We will reschedule this hearing for a later date!!!

Yep they have some dummies out there for sure. :o :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 19, 2007, 03:52:45 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on September 20, 2007, 09:26:47 AM
Disorder In The Court...


Interesting side note:  Disorder in the Court was compiled in part by Gerald Uelman, one of OJ's attorney in his first criminal trial.  Also was a law school dean at Santa Clara University.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on September 21, 2007, 02:17:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 22, 2007, 01:23:27 AM
I have a particularly low opinion if attorney's (lawyers) at the moment for one reason and another (no I am not in trouble with the law!)so it will delight me to show my lawyer friends these exchanges!

Excellent!  ;) :D :D :D



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: headgames on September 23, 2007, 09:23:49 PM
Ok so what happens when you give a ATTORNEY a VIAGRA ? ........ not a whole lot they just get a little  TALLER   ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on September 24, 2007, 09:37:17 PM
This one is for Olds,

Cuddles the Poodle
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.
 
One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers
he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.
 
< STRONG>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
 
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close!  That old poodle nearly had m e!"
 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.
 
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
 
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!
 
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says...
 
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!
 
Moral of this story....
 
Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!  Bull0 and brilliance only come with age and
experience.
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on September 25, 2007, 10:10:50 AM
How Hot Is Hell ?
 
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on October 02, 2007, 08:53:35 AM
Wal-Mart Greeter
>
> A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
> with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning,
> and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
>
> The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
> "Hell no they ain't."
> "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the
> hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
>
> "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
> couldn't believe you got laid twice."
> "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on October 02, 2007, 09:16:31 AM
I like that Rat. :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 02, 2007, 12:48:23 PM
Good one Rat.  I think we got a few women like that around here!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 02, 2007, 02:11:40 PM
I'm positive I met her only it was in Fred Meyer in Wasilla. No, wait, it must of been her sister, she had three kids. :o :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 02, 2007, 04:09:22 PM
I know at least a few of these are true for sure.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and 0head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my behind tomorrow.

Enjoy life this is not a dress rehearsal.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 03, 2007, 03:35:34 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif) I like it! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)

LilSmoker (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)
Title: Computer screen cleaner
Post by: car54 on October 07, 2007, 04:37:44 AM
http://comedyoption.com/pics/monitor_cleaner.swf (http://comedyoption.com/pics/monitor_cleaner.swf)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 07, 2007, 05:48:50 AM
Cute.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 08, 2007, 02:54:42 AM



HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

**WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 8
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 08, 2007, 09:03:40 AM
REAL 911 Calls


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on October 08, 2007, 09:23:23 AM
Manx:  Those excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=5af_1177543363

So who gets the deer?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 08, 2007, 11:59:02 AM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) Yeah nice Manx (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 08, 2007, 03:32:04 PM
Quote
Those excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

Hahaha..... who would be a 911 (999 in UK) despatcher! Choice language too, think I would have told the guy to take a hike.

One of the funniest things (but potentially serious) I have ever witnesssed regarding ambulances was a few years ago when I was on call at the hospital where I work. It was 2 am on New Years Day and out of the window I witnessed two drunks staggering up the road past the ambulance station. The emergency ambulances were lined up with the keys in the ignition ready for action so the two drunks jumped in one of them, switched on the blueys and put their foot down!

I phoned the ambulance station to alert them as this unfolded and after a moments disbelief two paramedics ran out of the garage and gave chase on foot!!

Fortunately also managed to get hold of the police and they stopped the ambulance within a mile of the hospital and arrested the drunks, never again were the ambulances left outside with the keys in.  :-[

The sight of two paramedics running forlornly down the road after their ambulance in hopeless pursuit has always stuck in my mind and came back to haunt them on many occasions!!  ;) :D

Warped sense of humour I guess!!  :-[
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on October 17, 2007, 12:32:21 PM
I am not a good joke or story teller and I usually do not remember them.
Here are 3 that I do remember and feel free to embellish them. They are from about 30 years ago.

1 There is a dinner party and a man and women are seated together. They do not know each other. The man is constantly sneezing and
   every time it is so extreme that he is almost having a convulsion.
   Finally the women asks " What is wrong with you."
   The man replies "every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
   The womens reply was " That sounds awfully. What do you take for it."
   The man replied "Pepper."

2  A baby is just delivered and the Doctor accidental drops him on the floor.
    The baby replies "Doctor be carefully. I am only held together with 1 screw."

3  A couple has a 6 year old son that has never spoken a word.
   One evening while they were eating dinner the boy replied " The soup is cold."
   The parents were amazed and asked their son "Why haven't you talked before?"
   The son replied "Every thing has been good up until now!"

Brad
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 17, 2007, 02:29:42 PM
 :D :D :D


Number 3's my favourite!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on October 18, 2007, 10:51:06 PM
My father in law has been telling number 3 for years.  I'll pass on the others to expand his material.  He'll like number one (on the golf course). 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 19, 2007, 11:30:36 AM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr.  Wilkins, but we have some information about
your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me!  Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr.  Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued.  "When we pulled her up she had two 25-poundking crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on October 19, 2007, 12:01:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on October 19, 2007, 12:19:51 PM
That's bad........but darn funny. lol
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 19, 2007, 02:08:04 PM
that's wrong !!! but not a bad Idea, might as well make the best out of a grim situation
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 19, 2007, 02:27:04 PM
Since we all talk about wood....

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you tell if that is a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had."

Wipe that smile off your face.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on October 19, 2007, 03:41:18 PM
Ice, don't quit your day job. ::) :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on October 20, 2007, 02:01:05 PM
Hey Iceman,
Looks like that when that tree grows up it can be a hot smokin' piece of ash  ;) ;). 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on October 20, 2007, 02:55:31 PM
And I could sure use one of them.....
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 22, 2007, 06:35:09 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.


"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied:

>
>
>
>
>

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 22, 2007, 07:55:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on October 22, 2007, 09:09:39 AM
Fell for that one hook, line and sinker.   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 22, 2007, 09:29:10 AM
May be I should take up golf!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on October 22, 2007, 09:47:45 PM
dang, another short story  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on October 22, 2007, 10:36:13 PM
Hey Manxman ,  You're gonna make the air waves with that one :D :D :D GREAT STUFF

                                                Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 23, 2007, 07:14:02 AM
Glad you like it Coyote..........I live just alongside a golf course, indeed this is the view from the kitchen window.

http://www.iomguide.com/right-photos.php?2008

Try as I might I have not been as lucky as the guy in the story despite hanging around the last hole for hours! Sore thumb would be a small price to pay!!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 23, 2007, 07:52:53 AM
            Hillbilly Vasectomy


So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

 The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."


Trust me," said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"


(you'll love this...)


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Ballard County,Kentucky, Crawford Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina, Louisiana,Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia, and few other places AND Washington, DC.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 23, 2007, 08:04:02 AM
 :o  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on October 23, 2007, 08:26:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 23, 2007, 09:01:47 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hillbillysmoker on October 23, 2007, 09:59:22 AM
Man you guys are tough on us hillbllies.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 23, 2007, 01:36:17 PM
(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 23, 2007, 03:19:13 PM
            Hillbilly Vasectomy

This procedure also works in Ballard County,Kentucky, Crawford Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina, Louisiana,Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia, and few other places AND Washington, DC.


I'm pretty sure that's the doctor I just went to in Wasilla.  :D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on October 24, 2007, 10:17:29 PM
Shoulders together Hillbilly......I think they're after us ;D



Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 25, 2007, 01:37:32 AM
How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal
Ads" in the Dublin News:


Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in
a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has
been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the
morning.
           -------------------------------

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiance,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
          ------------------------

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and 0ty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
        -------- ------------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard, living in a damp cottage in
the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21  year old blonde lady, with
a lovely chest.
           --------------------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build,  brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and  11:30 PM.
            ------------------------

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year  old double-jointed
super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an  open-minded twin sister.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: MWS on October 25, 2007, 12:41:13 PM
Hey Manx, I think that last one was from me.... ;D


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 25, 2007, 01:09:44 PM
mws that is my cousin to the letter!!! He works for the IRS but we just don't talk about the "Black Sheep" much.  :D ;D Naw he's a good guy....honest.  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 26, 2007, 06:25:25 AM
Great stuff guys! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif)

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on October 26, 2007, 07:47:47 AM
A young cowboy goes off to college ...

but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in college that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue
how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says.

"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
the dog can neither her talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed,

"I hope you shot that sob before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 26, 2007, 07:56:42 AM
 ;D

Here are some more:

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under thewatchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*************************************************************

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him,"62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*********************************************************************

 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 ********************************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"  I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"  "You're both old," he replied.
 ********************************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer.  She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?"
he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*******************************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

********************************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*********************************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."

********************************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es.'"

********************************************************************

THEY JUST KEEP GETTING CUTER
 
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*********************************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.  "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 26, 2007, 07:58:30 AM
---And another:

Just wondering


1. Can you cry under water?



2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?



5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clot hes you were buried in for eternity?



7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



8. What disease did cured ham actually have?



9. Ho w is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???



16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?



20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"



21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)



23 When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?



24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?



28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



29. What do you call male ballerinas?



30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they d ream?



31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?



35. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 26, 2007, 09:27:25 AM
Aw geez Wildcat. Now I'm gonna be up all night again thinking about that stuff!!!  :D
I was up late last night wondering if all the cows in the world farted at the same time would we have global warming???  :o ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 26, 2007, 10:42:36 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 26, 2007, 10:47:38 AM
That's good Wildcat!

 :D  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on October 26, 2007, 02:08:11 PM
20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said?’ Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know I would have gotten out today."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 27, 2007, 06:10:37 AM
(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 27, 2007, 06:11:28 AM
Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.   They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40. 
Wise guy........ But you still get a sign  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, ho w would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.. And they REPRODUCE!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on October 27, 2007, 07:20:34 AM
Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in manage! ment and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T if you have
further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 27, 2007, 12:30:24 PM
 ;D  Good S.H.I.T. guys!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 27, 2007, 02:17:35 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 30, 2007, 01:07:05 PM
Subject: Retirement Investment

If you had bought $ 1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth only $ 49.00

With Enron you would only have $ 16.50 of you original $ 1000.00

World. Com would be worth about $ 5.00

United Airlines would be worth a whopping $ 20.97.

 

Now, if you had bought $ 1000.00 worth of Corona beer (the actual beer) one year ago and drank all of it, then returned all the bottles for the ten cent deposit you would end up with $ 214.00.

Based on the above calculations my current advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This new retirement plan pays better than anything the economists can come up with, plus you get to enjoy the beer. It’s called a 401 KEG program.

 

Everybody’s got to believe in something.

I believe I’ll have another beer. ( WC Fields).

 ;) :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on October 31, 2007, 01:13:36 PM
OK if there is any officers of the law here do not read any farther, actually go ahead my brother is a county deputy and still found the following amusing.

A man was running late to for work one morning and was hurrying along his normal path when he was stopped by an officer of the law. The officer approached the man's car and asked him what he was driving so fast this morning for. The man explained to the officer that he was running late for work so if he could just give him his ticket then he would be on his way. The officer, not liking the man's response, decided that he would hold the man up as long as he could to make his point clear. So the officer asked the man "what on earth can you do at your job to make it worth risking your life and everybody Else's life that is on the road this morning"? The man realized what was going on and replied " well sir I'm a, an anis stretcher :o, The officer , now shocked and curious at the same time, asked the man " a what, how do you do that?" The man answered "well sir it's not difficult i start out with one finger, then work to two then three and so on, eventually I get both hands in the old sphincter muscle and begin working them very slowly apart. I can sometimes stretch an anise open six feet!" The officer, now in disbelief, ask the man " what in the he!! do you do with a six foot @$$hole?" the man calmly replied " well sir I'm not sure but it appears to me that they give them a badge and put them in charge of the road!
Needless to say the man did not get out of his ticket ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 31, 2007, 01:41:38 PM
Magic Sandals

A couple on holiday in India, see a sign for magic sandals.
They enter the shop to inquire, the shopkeeper tells them that they will improve the mans 5exual performance and prowess.  :o
The women quickly replys that her husband is a size ten.

The shopkeeper hands the man a pair of size 10 sandals.
As he puts them on he gets a glint in his eye the wife hasn't seen for ages.
He then jumps up and bends the shopkeeper over, who shouts sir, sir stop you have got them on the wrong feet!!! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif)  (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-thumbs-up-046.gif)  LilSmoker (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 31, 2007, 03:41:36 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 01, 2007, 03:57:43 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS   HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on November 01, 2007, 10:46:21 AM
 
Too funny Manx :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 01, 2007, 02:22:38 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 01, 2007, 02:32:05 PM
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 06, 2007, 04:46:38 AM
WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. (Rugby World Cup Final)  Gutted. Got a shag though
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 06, 2007, 04:53:58 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 06, 2007, 05:32:20 AM
(http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) Nice Manx!

I was choked that we lost, but at least our guys did better than our footbal team!

Anyway, although we lost, they did us proud! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Flags/england-flag-04.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on November 06, 2007, 09:02:39 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D Good one. Probably real close to the truth too!!! ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 06, 2007, 09:10:05 AM
Quote
Probably real close to the truth too!!!

Yep.... the differences between men and women eh?  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on November 06, 2007, 09:59:25 PM
Man was standing naked in front of the mirror... totally disgusted. Said to wife, I'm bald, fat, and totally out of shape and feeling depressed. Can you find something good to complement me?

Wife says

Your eyesight is almost perfect.  8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 07, 2007, 02:12:43 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on November 07, 2007, 10:19:14 AM
At least I have a full head of hair. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on November 07, 2007, 10:33:55 AM
At least I have a full head of hair. ;D

Well shoot HGT. Ya upped me by one!!!  :D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 11, 2007, 11:37:20 AM
Here's another:

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The Nun says.............................................. "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

 :o ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 11, 2007, 03:31:05 PM
 ;D  That was a good one LS!  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Duster on November 11, 2007, 05:20:25 PM
(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/BellyLaugh.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/BellyLaugh.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on November 11, 2007, 10:19:21 PM
Great on L S...........Again your story will be aired for the masses. ;D

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 12, 2007, 01:26:55 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 13, 2007, 01:17:37 AM
This will make your eyes water guys, and give the girls a laugh no doubt!!??

Subject: never assume anything.

 
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
 
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
 
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 13, 2007, 05:28:59 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 13, 2007, 10:13:04 AM
That's funny Manx!............and yeah it did make my eyes water! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 13, 2007, 10:43:13 AM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on November 13, 2007, 12:33:01 PM
My Goodness Wildcat ! That is great stuff !!!! No wonder I don't have to pay for a prep service. This
stuff is killer. Keep it comming. 8)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on November 13, 2007, 11:51:29 PM
I love that one, especially the three pairs of shoes part.  One addendum: No one stares at your chest except to read your t-shirt.  Or to decide if those words on your t-shirt are really on your t-shirt.

And, by the way, we've already begun the thankgiving weekend "packing negotiation."  We're still getting used to travelling with the baby.  I'll concede, of course....  eventually....  Better be some room left for some golf clubs, though. 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 14, 2007, 04:38:41 AM
If there is no room for my golf clubs, then there is no room for me.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 14, 2007, 12:58:00 PM
That's good Wildcat, and very true!  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 15, 2007, 01:50:43 PM
Here's another :


An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - The light goes on.

When I'm done, The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pi**ing in the fridge again!"

 ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 15, 2007, 01:55:31 PM
 ;D ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on November 16, 2007, 04:59:37 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 16, 2007, 06:09:11 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on November 16, 2007, 07:21:42 PM
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or  your friends.

 Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their breasts almost
falling out   of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a rideto another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen  October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,  &   24th. Also  November 1st,  2nd, twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 17, 2007, 12:47:22 AM
(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) You rascal WCK!  ;)

We have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on November 17, 2007, 12:50:58 AM

So tell your friends to be careful.


Careful!.... He11 my friends would be lined up!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 17, 2007, 03:23:52 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on November 17, 2007, 05:23:24 AM
I need some supplies. ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 17, 2007, 11:35:09 AM
Quote
We have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?


Went up to our local B+Q six times today.... no sign of them!!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 17, 2007, 12:59:46 PM
Quote
We have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?


Went up to our local B+Q six times today.... no sign of them!!  ;) :D

 ;D ;D ;D Same here Manx, i won't give up trying though!  ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on November 18, 2007, 04:41:01 AM

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! . We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? . They're going to STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! . Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 18, 2007, 11:03:18 AM
(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) That's good!  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 23, 2007, 06:15:46 PM
The Helicopter Ride
 
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 23, 2007, 06:17:43 PM
      A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage.

       When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in
the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: -
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.

       Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a
week.  Can you do this?"

       The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off  here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on November 25, 2007, 09:06:00 PM
http://www.blip.tv/file/340692/
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on November 25, 2007, 10:08:23 PM
Suspect Mac will be picking that one up in their commercials.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 26, 2007, 01:41:14 AM
 

Subject: Lone Ranger

 
 
 The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
 
 The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
 honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
 But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
 first request?'
 
 
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
 
 The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
 whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
 
 Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
 his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
 Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
 
 The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have
 very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
 is your second request?'
 
 The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
 him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
 
 
 Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
 this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
 enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
 
 The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
 indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is
 your last request?'.
 
 The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'
 The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
 Ranger's tent.
 
 Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
 him square in the eye and says: 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead,
 for the last time...........
 
 
"BRING POSSE!!!!'"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on November 26, 2007, 04:07:52 AM
 ;D ;D ;D Gotta get me a horse like that
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 26, 2007, 12:38:16 PM
@ Wildcat & Manx...........(http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/jump.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on November 26, 2007, 03:47:42 PM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 27, 2007, 01:10:47 AM
Good one ace ......  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 27, 2007, 04:41:20 AM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 

I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out  of the car . . . and you know how you just get so stressed that life-stuff seems to get funny? 

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! 

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"   

So, I look down at him and say............................

"Well, which one are you then?"   ........... and that's how the fight started .....

-----------------------------------------------------------

LARRY

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't  show up.

Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Larry!

Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
So,  the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

-----------------------------------------------

TALKING PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that I adopted from the Humane Society, but they only know how to say one thing."
 
What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
 
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  "You know," I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.   Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship.  Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

 "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.  After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"
 
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 27, 2007, 04:52:08 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 27, 2007, 04:54:03 AM
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'  'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 27, 2007, 05:05:40 AM
 :D :D :D Wait a minute - I am over 50!  :P
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 27, 2007, 05:57:58 AM
Quote
I am over 50!


Haha........ I've only got three years left myself!!  :-[ ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 27, 2007, 10:40:57 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

Cowboys:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said.............................. 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!'

 (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-062.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on November 27, 2007, 11:29:25 AM
Cute one LS  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 27, 2007, 04:40:55 PM
 :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 28, 2007, 08:01:01 AM
 :D :D :D

Subject: Fw: Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night'.

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 28, 2007, 04:07:47 PM
 ;D ;D  Good one Manxman!  Here is another:

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.   

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Th ings for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Ceasarian Section."
A: The Ceasarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 29, 2007, 01:27:28 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on November 29, 2007, 04:48:11 AM
Two great ones  ;D ;D ;D Manx, I think I pulled something I was laughing so hard.  Too funny

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 29, 2007, 01:17:11 PM
Good ones guys! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on November 30, 2007, 01:58:22 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the
UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year
old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the
Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Wisconsin newspaper reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Eau
Claire, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on November 30, 2007, 10:48:44 PM
 ;D ;D I think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 01, 2007, 08:00:58 AM
Quote
  I think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.

We have several politicians like that round here!  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on December 01, 2007, 09:24:51 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on December 01, 2007, 09:38:13 AM
If girlfriend 7.0 turns into a 1.0 upon becoming a wife, I think I'll wait for a version 10.0 and not upgrade until complete meltdown and crash is imminent.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on December 01, 2007, 10:25:56 AM
Quote
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

I think I resemble that remark :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on December 01, 2007, 12:13:43 PM
Prank Phone Call to Kellogg's

While eating Kellogg's Mini-Wheats, I recently noticed a new "Two-Week Fiber Challenge" advertised on the box. The "challenge," if you can call it that, was to eat Mini-Wheats every day for two weeks, then to "see if you feel a difference." Personally, I think a challenge is to launch a live donkey into space, or genetically engineer a self-replicating bologna. But maybe the marketing people at Kellogg's have lower standards.

What incensed me is that they don't actually talk about the one real benefit of fiber. Granted, I don't want to read about sitting on the bowl while I'm eating from a bowl, but that's beside the point. They say "people who increased their fiber intake felt less tired." Well, maybe they felt less tired because they were sitting on the bowl all day.

This kind of opportunity was too good to, ah, pass, so I made the following prank call to Kellogg's.
KELLOGG'S: This is Betsy, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: I was eating some Mini-Wheats, and I read about the Fiber Challenge, you know, where you challenge people to eat your cereal for two weeks?

KELLOGG'S: Yes.

JH: I started eating it regularly, and I noticed a difference all right.

KELLOGG'S: [Long pause]

JH: Do you know what it was?

KELLOGG'S: As far as what, sir?

JH: Do you know what happens when you eat a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: No.

JH: You don't know the benefit of eating a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: I mean, yes. It, uh, it regulates you.

JH: I'll say. I have been on the commode for six solid hours. And when I say "solid," I use that term loosely. Do you get my meaning?

KELLOGG'S: Yes, sir. I do apologize about that.

JH: I haven't seen this much brown since I visited the UPS headquarters.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry to hear about this. Now, ah, how much cereal did you consume?

JH: A box a day, just like you suggested.

KELLOGG'S: An entire box?

JH: In the morning, sure. Then a couple of bowls of All-Bran in the afternoon.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, we recommend one bowl per day.

JH: What? No, it says box. Hang on. I've got it here ... oh. Oh, no. Oh boy.

KELLOGG'S: We encourage people to have a bowl a day.

JH: Well, what if the bowl is big? Like a mixing bowl?

KELLOGG'S: Let me go ahead and get your name.

JH: You know, you guys really should be more clear about this. "Box" looks an awful lot like "bowl."

KELLOGG'S: I'll be happy to pass your comments along, if I can just get your contact information.

JH: My Lord. It's like a smoked ham exploded in here. Can I send you pictures, so you can see what do to your customers?

KELLOGG'S: It's up to your discretion.

JH: It looks like a Yule log. You should call yourself YULElogg's, not Kellogg's.

KELLOGG'S: I do apologize for that, sir.

JH: Look, I'm worried. What should I do? I can't even get off the toilet here. I'm afraid I'll frisbee out another platter of bun fudge.

KELLOGG'S: Well Mr. Hargrave, all I can suggest is for you to contact your physician. The challenge is to eat a bowl a day, not a box.

JH: How is that a challenge?

KELLOGG'S: Uh, it's not really, a challenge, it just makes you feel better.

JH: Why do you call it a challenge, then?

KELLOGG'S: All I can suggest is for you not to consume any more of it.

JH: Why?! Am I going to get cancer?

KELLOGG'S: I'd suggest you call your physician.

JH: Are you guys going to reimburse me for a plumber?

KELLOGG'S: I've never heard of, uh, anything like this, but I can pass your comments along and see what they say.

JH: [Long sigh, followed by gasping and mild choking] Can I ... [hacking] ... can I at least get some free cereal?

KELLOGG'S: We typically don't give out free cereal, sir.

JH: Give me a break. I've got to deal with Stool and the Gang here.

KELLOGG'S: Again, I will be happy to forward along your comments.

JH: OK, one second. [Loud flushing noise] Oh boy. I'm going to have to use a spatula on this.

KELLOGG'S: Can I do anything else for you, sir?

JH: Believe me, you and your cereal have done enough.

KELLOGG'S: Thank you for calling Kellogg's.

JH: [Flushing]
Personally, I think the only "challenge" was for Kellogg's to sell more Mini-Wheats.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 04, 2007, 04:51:14 AM
Haha, that bowl of "all-bran" just wasn't appealing this morning. Sausage and bacon instead.  ;) :D

Another joke:

A guy calls a weigh loss company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, s*xy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes anda sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in  excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 04, 2007, 04:55:41 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on December 04, 2007, 07:03:32 AM
I'll take 2 and a half rounds of the 20# please..........
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 04, 2007, 08:23:21 AM
To my drinking friends.

 

   

           I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....   

       

           Scared the sh*t out of me!

     

           So that's it!
           

           As of today, no more reading.

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 04, 2007, 09:08:29 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 04, 2007, 09:19:23 AM
You guys are killing me here. :D :D :D
At best I might be able to handle the 2 1/2 pound program, unless Ann caught me. Then I wouldn't have to worry about a weight loss program at all!!! :o :D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on December 04, 2007, 09:32:07 PM

Not my story but a great story... ;D

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching
a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'. 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 05, 2007, 12:58:32 AM
The difference between men and women, don't try this at home guys!!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of  the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 05, 2007, 04:34:11 AM
 :D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on December 05, 2007, 08:45:20 AM
:D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D

ditto :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 05, 2007, 09:17:32 AM
 :D :D :D
Manx, if you or I ever pulled that they would be reading about us in the obits.!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 05, 2007, 11:21:00 AM
INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-
happy marriage, a young husband decided to
solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself
as the beneficiary, & then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie
then explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect
his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something
up front, so the man opened his wallet,
displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as dow n
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife
to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he
surprised her in the produce department
& proceeded to strangle her with his
gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped
to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager
as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras &
observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even
leave the store. Under intense questioning at the
police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrange-
ments with the hapless husband who was
also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared.............









(You're going to hate me for this . . )












"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR
AT WAL-MART!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on December 05, 2007, 11:41:07 AM
 ;) :(
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: winemakers on December 05, 2007, 12:39:54 PM
how do you spell oooouuuggghhhhh?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 05, 2007, 03:25:54 PM
 :D :D :D

Quote
Manx, if you or I ever pulled that they would be reading about us in the obits.!!!

How very true Ice!!  ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 05, 2007, 05:01:15 PM
Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....


Deer Senta,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

 

 Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is  peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his arse constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 3 , a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa
 

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy



Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
 

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do yo u get into our home?

Love, Marky
 

Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your arse whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on December 06, 2007, 02:26:13 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hillbillysmoker on December 08, 2007, 06:12:23 AM
White Trash Christmas (PG)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7395351410396042718
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on December 08, 2007, 09:30:43 PM
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive . I then said that Osama Bin Ladin
dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well , so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 09, 2007, 08:23:55 AM
 :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on December 09, 2007, 09:56:01 AM
I am so stealing that one, Kansan!  Good one!   ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on December 09, 2007, 12:18:38 PM
I don't know Jack! do you?

I've seen this many times, but it always makes me laugh  ;D

http://www.kls2.com/~karl/random/KnowJackSchitt.swf


(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 10, 2007, 03:50:04 AM
While in China , an American bloke is very sexually promiscuous and  does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home  in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with  purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad  news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and  almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your p*nis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vely rare disease."

The bloke says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my  p*nis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.  Make more money that way.  No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

" Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!  Wait two months.  Faw off by itself .

                                         

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 10, 2007, 04:27:07 AM
 ;D ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 10, 2007, 10:38:50 AM
A man wakes  in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The Doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now,
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we have been unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a
new willy that will work as well as your old one did- better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But
it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a
bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
important that she play a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor,

"Were getting a new kitchen,"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 10, 2007, 11:19:07 AM
Very good.  ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 11, 2007, 01:19:23 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 12, 2007, 01:18:28 AM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "c*cktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implant s
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky b*obs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 12, 2007, 05:11:52 AM
 :D :D :D I almost choked on my coffee!  Good one Manxman!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 12, 2007, 09:00:59 AM
Manx, that made the whole office roll! Thanks for putting us in a great mood. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on December 12, 2007, 02:06:46 PM
(http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g260/acords/pic17189.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 12, 2007, 03:26:01 PM
 :D That would do it alright.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 12, 2007, 04:05:27 PM
Anyone else been here?

http://www.glumbert.com/media/baddayoffice
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 12, 2007, 04:13:37 PM
Dang......where did I put that stupid moose?













(http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q12/ducks1166/Moose.jpg)

Here's the story:

Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska 
"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and more than slightly peeved!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 12, 2007, 04:20:09 PM
(http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q12/ducks1166/cake.jpg)

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello this is Walmarts, how can I help you?" (Imagine in a strong redneck accent)
Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
Walmart Employee: "What do ya'll want on the cake?"
Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that, "We will miss you".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 13, 2007, 09:04:20 AM
Dang......where did I put that stupid moose?













(http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q12/ducks1166/Moose.jpg)

Here's the story:

Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska 
"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and more than slightly peeved!"


My neighbor was one of the lineman on this project. I didn't believe him until the picture came out in the paper  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 17, 2007, 03:03:45 AM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow policemans expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law ,  Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f**k out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 17, 2007, 04:34:15 AM
ROF Manx.   ;D ;D ;D  Too funny

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 17, 2007, 04:38:03 AM
 ;D ;D Good one Manx.  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 17, 2007, 05:52:59 AM
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scot are attending the funeral of a mutual friend. 

It's an open coffin affair and the three of them are standing next to it and reminiscing about old Colin laid out in front of them. 

The Englishman says "I owed Colin 20 pounds and never got a chance to pay him back".  He then proceeds to take out his wallet and lays a 20 pound note in the coffin. 

The Irishman says "I owed him 20 quid as well" and follows the lead of the Englishman. 

Not to be out done, the Scot says "I owed Colin 60 pounds".  He then pulls out his checkbook, writes a check for 100 pounds, lays it in the coffin and removes the two 20 pound notes to his pocket.   
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 17, 2007, 06:00:24 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 17, 2007, 07:15:54 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 18, 2007, 05:48:06 AM
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy said aloud,

"Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot said, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Goodness," the guy replied. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."

"Oh yeah?" the man said, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," said the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought tobuy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looked at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," said the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offered £20 and walked out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and has great insight. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asked the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy said incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaimed. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screamed, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an er*ction and fell off my perch!"
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 18, 2007, 05:57:46 AM
and another parrot joke:

A parrot whose name is Leroy had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and  laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude  by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything  else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary

 

.Finally, John  was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

 

The parrot yelled back.

 

John  shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.John, in  desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the  freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then  suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the  freezer.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and  said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and  actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and  I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in  his behavior, the bird continued,

 

 

 "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 18, 2007, 07:43:09 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on December 18, 2007, 07:56:50 AM
(http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g260/acords/truetalent.jpg)

Drinking problem? I think not
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 18, 2007, 09:50:59 AM
Pretty impressive.  Like to see a video after the next 5 glasses.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 18, 2007, 12:44:30 PM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS

YOUR  OWN AGE AND  THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK

THAT OLD."    WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

 

 *****************************

 

MY NAME IS  ALICE MILLER AND I WAS SITTING IN THE

WAITING ROOM FOR MY  FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH  A

NEW DENTIST.  I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE

HIS FULL NAME. 

 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,

DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH  THE SAME  NAME HAD BEEN IN

MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40 ODD YEARS AGO.

 

COULD HE BE THE  SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH

ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY

SUCH  THOUGHT.   THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH

THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY  TOO OLD TO  HAVE BEEN

MY CLASSMATE.

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD

ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SCHOOL. 

 

"YES.  YES, I  DID. I'M A  MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

 

 HE ANSWERED, "IN 1967."    "WHY DO YOU ASK?"

 

 "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I  EXCLAIMED.

 

 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,  BALD,

WRINKLED, FAT ARSE, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SOB

ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 18, 2007, 01:18:13 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on December 19, 2007, 12:45:19 PM
GOLFING

 

Today, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that 0."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on December 22, 2007, 06:18:02 PM
DIVORCE VS. MURDER


 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked
 straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kind of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 23, 2007, 05:53:51 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on December 23, 2007, 06:31:42 AM
(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on December 24, 2007, 06:00:36 AM
Great stories !!!!!!!New material for the new year has arrived ! Thanks  ;)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on January 02, 2008, 12:52:18 PM
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers"
 
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
 
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
 
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on January 02, 2008, 01:17:50 PM

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
" Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."
"Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."


The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.

"Your name came up seven times..."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 02, 2008, 01:22:24 PM
A fellow went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself
and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked and
reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he
could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could
get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a
short cruise, but booked it...and went to the drug store to buy Dramamines
and three condoms.

The next day the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five
day cruise, the guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and returned to the same pharmacy
to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that
he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went
back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry...
but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 02, 2008, 01:29:02 PM
Good ones.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 02, 2008, 01:42:29 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 03, 2008, 08:05:48 AM
 Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment  referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam  after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. 

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.  For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 09, 2008, 07:11:56 AM
Alternative nursery rhymms:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh1t, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d1ckhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was g@y.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her @ss
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on January 09, 2008, 08:30:33 PM
I gotta go with the Simple Simon one, Manx!!! :) Too funny!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on January 11, 2008, 06:57:28 AM
Three Italian nuns go to heaven and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want to be." Nun one says she wants to be Bridget Bardot, God says, "Granted ", and sends her back down to earth. Nun 2 says she wants to go back as Gina Lollabrigida, God says "Granted, have a great time." and sends her back to earth. Nun number 3 says she wants to go back as Sahara Pipaleeni. God says, " Who the hell is she? I've never heard of her." Nun number 3 pulls out a newspaper and shows it to God, it reads.................
v
v
v
v
v
are you ready for this?????????????????
v
v
v
v
v
v
Sahara Pipeline laid by 230 men.
 ;D


 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 11, 2008, 07:30:43 AM
Good one RCT  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 11, 2008, 08:07:49 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on January 12, 2008, 10:45:08 AM
The Bad Doctor:


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps etc. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he couldn't contain himself any longer, he started making mad passionate love to the beautiful patient. He was going like a steam train!, and mumbled to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting a 5exually transmitted disease, which is why I came here in the first place."

 ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 12, 2008, 01:13:03 PM
Hahaha............. ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 14, 2008, 04:43:45 PM
 :D :D Real good one LS!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 15, 2008, 06:30:00 AM
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 15, 2008, 06:33:06 AM
Globalization-definition

At It's Best!


  Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

  Answer: Princess Diana's death.

  Question: How come?

   Answer: An English princess

   with an Egyptian boyfriend

   crashes in a French tunnel,

   driving a German car

   with a Dutch engine,

   driven by a Belgian who was drunk

   on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

   followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

   on Japanese motorcycles;

   treated by an American doctor,

   using Brazilian medicines.

   This is sent to you by an Englishman ,

   using Bill Gates's technology,

   and you're probably reading this on your computer,

   that use Taiwanese chips,

   and a Korean monitor,

   assembled by Bangladeshi workers

   in a Singapore plant,

   transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

   hijacked by Indonesians,

   unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

   and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

   That, my friends, is Globalization

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on January 15, 2008, 06:57:45 AM
(http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g260/acords/Cold.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 15, 2008, 08:06:46 AM
Good one Acords  :D appropriate coming from a Minnesota guy! It's cold down her in Nebraska as well, and suposed to get colder the rest of the week. Stay warm!!

Terry
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on January 15, 2008, 08:53:39 AM
So true Wildcat!!  I've seen sheep casings taken from sheep in New Zealand, sent to China for processing and then shipped to the US for sale.  Hard to grasp.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 15, 2008, 11:58:49 AM
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.  They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

 

Little Sally led off:

"I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach

for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

 

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines

would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the

teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were

you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

 

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. 

I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes

like s***!" Then I would say, "It is s***.”

 

“Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on January 15, 2008, 12:16:48 PM
It was bed time and Little Johnny was being put to bed by his father.  Father asked if Johnny needed anything before he left and Johnny said no.  Five minutes later, he called out "DAD, could I get a drink of water?".  Father hollers back "no, you had your chance, go to sleep".  Another five minutes go by, and Johnny calls out "Dad, could I get a drink of water?".  Father answers with "no, if you ask again, you're going to get a spanking".  Five minutes later Johnny calls out "DAD", Father answers "What?", Johnny says "when you come in here to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on January 15, 2008, 12:17:40 PM
That's good BigRed! My day at the office needed a boost!  ;)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on January 15, 2008, 12:22:20 PM
A blonde girl came home from school one day, and said "Mommy, mommy, guess what.  I can count higher than the other kids in my class...they can only count to five, I can count to ten, see? 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10...is that because I'm a blonde?"  Mother answers, yes dear, it's because you're a blonde.

The next day the girl comes home from school and says "Mommy, mommy, I can go further in the alphabet than the rest of my class...they can only get to "D", and I can go all the way to "H"...is that because I'm a blonde?"  Mother answers, yes dear, it's because you're a blonde.

Third day the girl comes home from school and says "Mommy, mommy, I'm the best kickball player in my class.  I kicked a home run 3 times, and caught the ball for several outs...is that because I'm a blonde?"

Mother answers "NO, it's because you're 25 years old".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 16, 2008, 01:00:10 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 17, 2008, 05:52:05 AM
Queensland, Australia............. Country Petrol Station

 

A petrol station in Queensland was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free s*x with Fill-Up."

 Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free s*x. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free 0.

 
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no s*x this time."

 A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free s*x.

 
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

 
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free s*x this time."

 
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free s*x."

 Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged --
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


"my Missus won twice last week"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 17, 2008, 09:30:08 AM
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant re plied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, B*tch."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on January 17, 2008, 02:22:37 PM
WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/car54/Why_women_live_longer_I.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/car54/Why_women_live_longer_II.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/car54/Why_women_live_longer_III.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/car54/Why_women_live_longer_IV.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on January 19, 2008, 10:58:15 AM
=============================

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.


Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Buck36 on January 19, 2008, 11:12:43 AM
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell
that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."


   
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 19, 2008, 11:30:39 AM
I really like that one Buck36 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 19, 2008, 11:41:55 AM
Good ones.   :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 19, 2008, 11:43:46 AM
Blondes 'Ed' and 'Dorothy' met while on vacation and Ed fell head
over heels in love with her.    On the last night of his vacation, the
two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they
would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,"  Ed said to his lady
friend.   "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, So if that's a problem, you'd
better say so now."

Dorothy responded,  "If we're being honest with each other, here
goes . . .I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.  Then he added,
"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you tee off."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 19, 2008, 12:17:12 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Ontrack on January 19, 2008, 12:45:46 PM
Another one from little Johnny's class:

At the end of the day, the teacher told her third graders to go home, watch TV, find something about human s*xual behavior, and report it to the class the next day.

The next day, the teacher asked if anyone saw anything on TV about s*x.

Little Nancy raised her hand and said "I saw a man and woman kissing".  "Very good", replied the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Jennifer raised her hand and said "I saw a woman in the hospital having a baby". "Wonderful, Jennifer, that's great" said the teacher.

Then Little Johnny stood up in the back of the room and beamed "I saw Gene Autry kill a whole tribe of Indians with his bare hands!"

Puzzled, the teacher said "That's nice Johnny, but what does that have to do with s*x?"

And Little Johnny said "It sure taught them d@mn Injuns not to f#*k with Gene Autry!!!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on January 19, 2008, 03:11:35 PM
 :D :D :D :D, good laughs.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 22, 2008, 06:07:24 AM
The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.  There's nothing worse than a receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
pati ents. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old
guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why
you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my d*ck,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!!!!!!!

____
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 22, 2008, 07:05:36 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on January 22, 2008, 08:43:06 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 22, 2008, 12:32:08 PM
Two elderly friends, Willard and Sam,  met in the park every day to  feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.  One day Willard
didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it  figured  maybe he had a cold or some such.  But after Willard hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really
 got worried.

 

However, since the only time they ever got together  was at  the park, Sam didn't know where Willard lived so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.  A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Willard, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Willard!  Sam
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!  Then  he said, "For crying out loud Willard, what in the world happened to you???"

 

Willard replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Sam!!  "What in  the world for???"
"Well," Willard said, "you know Sue, that cute little  blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah", said Sam, "I remember her.  What about her?"
"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that  when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty" then the judge gave me 30 days  for perjury."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 23, 2008, 12:04:24 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 23, 2008, 07:11:08 AM
Never make your better half go shopping against his will......

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Had to edit this one out.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, Walmart
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on January 23, 2008, 07:15:38 AM
Now that's priceless!  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: sherlock on January 23, 2008, 07:29:55 AM
DEER MEAT
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
 
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
 
Well, he said,  'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
 
The little girl screams to her brother
 
'Don't eat it, it's an a**hole..

LMAO  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 23, 2008, 09:30:19 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D

You guys across the pond may want to substitute a suitable American / Canadian or whatever politician in this one as well as $'s for £'s!!

Tony Blair:

Now he's no longer the UK PM, Tony Blair has started jogging daily near
 his home. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
 corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what became a
 daily exchange.
 
'Fifty pounds' she would cry
 
'Five pounds!' Tony would fire back.
 
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
 by and she'd yell, 'Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
 
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
 As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
 realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really
 been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
 explanation for the 'Boss'.
 
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
 became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
 Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
 
Then the hooker yelled

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


'See what you get for a fiver!'

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on January 25, 2008, 12:34:09 PM
Two women in heaven were discussing how they had died.

I froze to death, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." "So what happened?" "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just kneeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive."


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 25, 2008, 03:42:52 PM
LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.  Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.


GO NAVY!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on January 25, 2008, 04:08:09 PM
Does anyone else get the feeling that the real mission was to capture and consume as much libation as possible and not have to pay for it? 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: acords on January 25, 2008, 04:44:30 PM
Quote
40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch
Quote
Does anyone else get the feeling that the real mission was to capture and consume as much libation as possible and not have to pay for it?

I can't argue with you on this one Gizmo.  40,000 gallons of single malt scotch :P, count me in.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Arcs_n_Sparks on January 25, 2008, 07:45:58 PM
Do I hear beverage?   :D

The time machine has served me well...

H.G. Wells
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 26, 2008, 01:44:23 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
 
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
 
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on January 26, 2008, 02:23:49 PM
 :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on January 26, 2008, 08:11:32 PM
AMEN WILCAT...I GOT INFECTED WITH THAT...Got over it!! :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on January 27, 2008, 07:08:02 AM
Picture on the nightstand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues .

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 

 "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
 
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

   

  "That's me before the surgery."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 27, 2008, 12:04:41 PM
 :o Oh my goodness!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on January 27, 2008, 11:22:20 PM
To be aired on monday  ;D Thanks Wildcat , great stuff ....keep bringin' it! 8)


Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on January 28, 2008, 06:42:33 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on January 29, 2008, 06:58:06 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on January 30, 2008, 03:34:31 AM
It took a minute, but  :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 30, 2008, 04:58:02 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on January 30, 2008, 12:54:07 PM
Something just aint Wright there.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on January 31, 2008, 04:27:57 AM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

 He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

 The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

 The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


 

 'Crown Royal whiskey and girls with big tits."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on January 31, 2008, 05:39:41 AM
 :D :D :D Kind of like me.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on January 31, 2008, 07:05:37 AM
Hey officer, I think I found that lad's grampa.......right up there ^ ^ ^




:D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on January 31, 2008, 09:01:05 PM
Hmmmm.... They still haven't found me. :D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on January 31, 2008, 11:28:47 PM
Something just aint Wright there.  :D :D :D

You got that right pal ! ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on January 31, 2008, 11:32:09 PM
Hey Manxman......You will make Friday's broadcast ! Thanks for the stuff :D 8)


Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 01, 2008, 07:23:03 AM
Quote
Hey Manxman......You will make Friday's broadcast ! Thanks for the stuff

Will try and keep them coming coyote. ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 01, 2008, 07:26:23 AM
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
 with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?""Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."  "Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every
night,I take these here fish down to the lake  and let 'em swim 'round for
awhile.
Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and
I take 'em home." That's a  bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that." The
redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr.
Government Man.  I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got
to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" "The FISH", replied the warden! "What fish?", replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 01, 2008, 07:41:26 AM
 :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 01, 2008, 08:57:26 AM
OK, one more, this was just too good not to post on a Friday:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

 

A lady stood and walked to the podium.  She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

 

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

 

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

 

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

 

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is "sternum".

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 01, 2008, 09:10:52 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 02, 2008, 07:50:45 PM
Holy SMOKE....I love this place !  ;D ;D ;D


Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 04, 2008, 03:57:10 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 04, 2008, 04:02:03 AM
Lessons in Management:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
 
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
 
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
 
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
 
 
Lesson 2:
 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
 
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 
The priest nearly had an accident.
 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 
 
 Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 
Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 

Lesson 5
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
 
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
 
The dung was actually thawing him out!
 
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
    friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
    your mouth shut!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 04, 2008, 04:56:00 AM
Those were good.  Funny but true.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 04, 2008, 05:57:25 AM
A lot of wisdom there  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 04, 2008, 10:32:31 AM
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
 
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
 
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
 
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
 
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
 
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
 
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?'
 
'Yeah!'
 
'Did they chop your firewood?'
 
'Yep!'
 
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
 
(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun).

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 04, 2008, 11:53:03 AM
How true :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 04, 2008, 09:10:07 PM
Two New Yorkers were very busy setting up their soon-to-be-open retail shop. They were really tired,
having worked all day setting up shelves. While taking a break one man said to the other " I'll bet any
minute now some tourist will stop and ask us what we're selling.Soon , sure enough a good ole hillbilly
from West Virginia  came by , put his face against the window to peek in and yelled..." Whatcha ya'll sellin'"?.....The New Yorker yelled back in disgust...ASS HOLES....The Hillbilly stood back and yelled ,
Must've been a hell of day..........Looks like ya sold all but two!

New Yorkers should never mess with West Virginia Mountaineers ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 05, 2008, 01:36:15 AM
 :D :D :D

Strangely enough I heard that very same joke on this side of the pond yesterday, only this time it involved Londoners and Scousers! (Liverpool)  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 05, 2008, 02:26:56 AM
 ;D ;D That's called globalization.  ;D ;D In this neck of the woods the store owners would be in Zürich and the hillbillies would be from Basel.  Great rivalry there.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 05, 2008, 04:59:06 AM
Good one.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 06, 2008, 04:38:27 AM
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is apparently an "Australian
treasure!"

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to
the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of
the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between
a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when
they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 06, 2008, 04:44:37 AM
Excellent!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 06, 2008, 05:20:16 AM
What a comeback.  LMAO ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 06, 2008, 05:51:47 AM
Great stuff.. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 06, 2008, 07:21:50 AM
That's great, had to e-mail that one to some friends!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 06, 2008, 07:40:25 AM
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.           
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant,
"Steve's  Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.           
It seemed a little strange.  When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.           
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.  When the waiter
came back to serve our soup I inquired,   "Why the spoon?"           
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp! all of our
processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.         
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."           
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.  "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."  I was 
impressed.         
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.         
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.  So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"           
"Oh, certainly!"  Then he lowered his voice.  "Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of our  you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom  by 76.39%.           
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"         
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 06, 2008, 12:30:31 PM
 :D :D :D Good one!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 06, 2008, 01:49:33 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
 
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
 
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
 
Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
 
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
 
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
 
  'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
 
  'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
 
  'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .
.. .Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on February 06, 2008, 04:19:11 PM
HAAAAAA!  Good one, Wild!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 06, 2008, 09:03:38 PM
You are....the Wild------cats Meow ;D Great stuff  8)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 07, 2008, 01:04:48 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on February 07, 2008, 01:40:24 AM
Haha! that's funny Wildcat, and as usual very true! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 07, 2008, 07:28:45 AM
A Scouse (Liverpool)  senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car showroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M62, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case, as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied:

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 07, 2008, 07:31:21 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting ...

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to town and went
into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was
a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a bloody jobsworth.  He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tyres.  So the wife called him a sh*thead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.  We'd come into town by bus.  We try to have a little fun each day, now that we're retired -- it's important at our age.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on February 07, 2008, 09:15:32 AM
Next time I'm in Anchorage down town I'm going to try that one Manx. Way to funny!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 07, 2008, 11:09:40 AM
Good ones.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 07, 2008, 08:39:55 PM
Great stuff Manxman ;D ;D ;D Keep it comming at us 8)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 08, 2008, 01:38:52 AM
Quote
Next time I'm in Anchorage down town I'm going to try that one Manx.

Let us know how you get on Pat!?  ;) :D



A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

>
>
>
>
>



"I was behind you in McDonald's."

 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 08, 2008, 04:19:12 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 08, 2008, 11:07:26 PM
 ;D ;D 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 13, 2008, 04:46:58 AM
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a
half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water .

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 13, 2008, 05:13:05 AM
Too funny :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 13, 2008, 07:21:59 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 13, 2008, 07:27:08 AM
Who would be a television / radio presenter!? A few inadvertant double meanings!!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
    Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
    takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have
    I just said??"

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
    have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
    "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last
    night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
    did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much
    better today after a 69 yesterday.

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
    "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
    kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
   
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
    said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
    night like this."


   
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 13, 2008, 09:12:56 AM
Manx, I'm rolling on the floor  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Those are priceless.  Thanks for the post and keep 'em coming.

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 13, 2008, 10:13:15 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on February 13, 2008, 01:14:24 PM
Haha! great ones guys (http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif)

We've got almost enough material here now for "The Bradley joke book"

Here's another lil'one:

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went
to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate
surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that
she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her
work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her
work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall,
and asked the doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?''

The doctor paused................then replied................







''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''


LilSmoker (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 13, 2008, 04:13:12 PM
 ;D ;D Good one LS!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 13, 2008, 07:02:56 PM
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his Valentine’s Day gift. His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 


Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 13, 2008, 11:09:01 PM
Hey Wildcat , Thank you for providing my Valentines Day bit. ;D I know my listeners will love it. 8)

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on February 14, 2008, 01:00:04 PM


After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow
contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in
utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome
with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night
you'll never forget!"
They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt
in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was
*wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even
more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and
says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

Helen softly whispers..........................











"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"  (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-062.gif)



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 14, 2008, 01:20:00 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 14, 2008, 08:57:26 PM
 :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 15, 2008, 03:24:20 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 15, 2008, 05:03:22 AM
Good one. ha
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on February 15, 2008, 10:12:03 AM
Dear John,
I hope you can help me.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband on the couch watching TV as usual.
I got a few hundred yards down the road when the car just conked out and shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husbands help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. Parading in front of the mirror was my husband
dressed in my underwear, lingerie, high heels and make up. I am 32 my husband 34 and we have been married for 12 years.
When I confronted him he broke down and confessed he had been wearing my underwear and lingerie for 6months.
He was let go from his job 6 months ago and said he has been feeling worthless and depressed.

Can you please Help.
Susie

Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be a variety of faults from the engine.
Start by checking there is no debris or dirt in the fuel line or filter.
If that is ok then check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum hose to the inlet manifold.
If that is ok then it could be the fuel pump itself is faulty causing low fuel pressure to the injector chamber.

I hope this helps
Dear John



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 15, 2008, 11:07:55 AM
 ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 16, 2008, 12:04:03 PM
LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
 
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
 
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
 
She finally died after having 25 children.
 
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
'Lord, they're finally together.'
 
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? '
 
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on February 16, 2008, 12:27:29 PM
(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif)

That's funny Wildcat! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-cowboy-036.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on February 16, 2008, 04:16:06 PM
Whoaa, didn't see that one coming  :D  :D   :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 16, 2008, 10:09:45 PM
Blind sided by the Wildcat :o....Great one :D :D :D

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on February 18, 2008, 09:48:08 AM
Amen!!! :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 19, 2008, 02:24:56 PM
For anybody who's raised a kid:
 
Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children.  The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.
We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding  back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.
 
 
 
 
 











 
  (http://life-captured.net/smoker/kid.jpg)

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 19, 2008, 02:31:56 PM
 ;D ;D ;D I shared this with my wife (a middle school teacher) and she had a good laugh and wanted to say thanks - she needed that after a rough day at work.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on February 19, 2008, 02:37:31 PM
LMAO  :D :D ;D ;D ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Ontrack on February 19, 2008, 05:23:50 PM
Many years ago I told my wife of a very similar discipline method I had in mind for our future children...22 years married and still no kids... ;) ::)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 19, 2008, 05:32:10 PM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.  He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.


Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.  I just married his *%&@^$ widow."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 20, 2008, 07:54:21 AM
Thanks for tha laugh Wildcat :D :D :D

I needed that today, the kids are off school for the third day in a row and they are going to be driving me batty by the end of the day I can tell. They were off Monday and Tuesday for scheduled days off and today the schools closed because of dangerous wind chills (-25 to -35).
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 20, 2008, 06:53:10 PM
2 good ones. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on February 20, 2008, 09:31:21 PM
Hey Bigredsmoker , If only radio had pictures :D :D :D

Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on February 22, 2008, 07:33:12 PM
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's fore arm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little fuzzball's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to capture mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on February 22, 2008, 07:46:04 PM
 :D  :D  :D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Ain't that the truth!  ;)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Arcs_n_Sparks on February 22, 2008, 07:47:08 PM
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Did someone say beverage?????????

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on February 22, 2008, 10:18:31 PM
Perfect aces / that's perfect  :D  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 22, 2008, 10:37:18 PM
Very funny.  Describes on of our kitties to a tee.  Still have the scars on my forearm.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 22, 2008, 11:40:55 PM
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

He replied, "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,  and I'm
afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 23, 2008, 12:45:40 AM
Had to be a Jesuit to come up with that!!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 23, 2008, 09:41:54 AM
Great one Aces.
Agree with the Jesuits. :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 23, 2008, 09:48:25 AM
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
 know the difference between them? 

In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and  beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say:

You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. 
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 23, 2008, 10:04:15 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 23, 2008, 12:09:10 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 23, 2008, 03:07:34 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 25, 2008, 06:51:47 AM
A few "quickies";


Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________

Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.

_____________________________________________________________

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

_____________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________


The three words women hate to hear most during s*x:

"Honey, I'm home!"




Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 25, 2008, 07:39:36 AM
 :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 25, 2008, 09:38:16 AM
Here is a cute one, although somewhat on the feminist side.  ;D




Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"  "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 25, 2008, 10:55:24 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 25, 2008, 06:30:20 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 26, 2008, 05:04:51 AM
(for the uninitiated, the Scots have a reputetion for being careful with their money!!)

A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one please."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on February 26, 2008, 06:57:59 AM
 ;D ;D ;D Now that is thrifty!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 26, 2008, 07:50:10 AM
Just too funny. :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 26, 2008, 08:05:14 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pork eater on February 26, 2008, 10:09:48 AM
This is one of my favorite jokes, and somehow appropriate to the forum.  I've told this joke for a long time , and just recently heard Jay Leno tell it on the tonight show.

A farmer walks in to town with a three legged pig on a leash.  As he strolls past the general store, the shop keeper is sitting on the front porch of his shop.  He calls out to the farmer.  After exchanging greetings, the shop keeper asks, "What's up with the pig?" 

The farmer says, "Oh, this here pig, he's a good pig.  Did you know that this here pig can herd my sheep?"

Seeing the farmer didn't understand, shop keeper said, "That's amazing, I've never heard of such a thing.  But what's goin on with the pig?" 

The farmer says, "Oh, this pig is great.  One night lightning struck the barn, and the barn caught fire.  This here pig came squealin' into the house and right up into our bedroom, and woke us up, and we were able to get the horse and the mule out of the barn before the roof fell in. Great pig!"

Even more amazed and a little frustrated, the shop keeper asked, "But what is the matter with the pig?"

The farmer replied, "Nothin' wrong with the pig, in fact, this here pig has saved my daughter's life.  She was out playin' and fell down the well.  The pig must have seen her goin' in, cause he just ran round and round the well makin' a fuss till we figured out what was going on.  We pulled Emily out of the well within two hours.

"But what's with his leg?" the shop keeper asked.

Finally understanding, the farmer said, "Oh, a pig this good you just can't eat all at once."



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 27, 2008, 01:13:06 AM
A few marriage jokes:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't.
 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 For Sale :
 Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Why were hurricanes usually named after women?  Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but  when they go, they take your house and car.
 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look Miss," said the foreman,  "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
 

"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.  "I've been divorced three times."
 
 ------- ------------------------------------------------------------
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me  the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
 

The old man says without hesitation,  "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.


 Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.


 Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly ,
 
 "So which six items would you like to buy?"
 
 Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
 
 --------------------------------- ----------------------------------
 Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

 

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said, "We may not have 45 minutes."
 They were seated immediately.
 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 27, 2008, 04:34:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 27, 2008, 06:09:20 AM
Just to promote a bit of intercontinental rivalry and teasing!  ;) :D


Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! (True story it sez here)
 
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at windscreens of aircraft  travelling at max velocity, to simulate frequent incidents of bird strike.

American engineers heard about this and were eager to test it on their high speed trains. Arrangements were made to send a gun to America.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the driver’s back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windscreen and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with the following one line memo:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"First, defrost the chicken".
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on February 27, 2008, 04:01:08 PM
What a riot!!!!
Thanks for posting that one Manx.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 27, 2008, 04:49:12 PM
Real good one.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on February 27, 2008, 09:19:07 PM

"First, defrost the chicken".


Must have been one of them Alaskan chickens Ice sent them.   ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 28, 2008, 01:09:32 AM
Quote
Must have been one of them Alaskan chickens Ice sent them.


 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on February 29, 2008, 01:30:59 AM
Eight  Words with two Meanings

1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....     The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to  another.
Male....    Playing cricket without a box.

(non Brits may have to think about this one but believe me ... it's true! Male ice hockey, baseball etc players will have similar issues!!)

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's  partner.
Male...        Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the  boys.

4.  COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male......   Trying not to hit on other women while out with this  one.

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......   Anything that can be done while drinking  beer.

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male......   A source of entertainment, self-expression, male  bonding.

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. .          Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do  it.

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.
Male...        A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND


He  said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing  to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He  said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She  said .    That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He  said ....   What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ..... Turn sideways and look in the  mirror!

He  said . . .  Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never  there.

He  said . ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She  said ..    They don't have time

He  said . .    How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet  paper?
She said         We don't know; it has never happened.

He  said . .    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Goodlooking?
She said  . . They already  have boyfriends.

She  said...   What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . .   A  widow.

He  said . ..   Why are married women heavier than  single women?
She said . . . Single women come home,  see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come  home, see what's in bed and go to the  fridge.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 29, 2008, 04:42:04 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 29, 2008, 07:15:37 AM
 :D :D :D ;D

Quote
Male....    Playing cricket without a box.

I believe we would say "cup" on this side of the pond instead of Box.
correct me if I am wrong.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on February 29, 2008, 07:21:48 AM
Timely joke:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

 "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on February 29, 2008, 08:57:45 AM
Ha!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 29, 2008, 10:59:28 AM
 ;D  Sounds about right.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on February 29, 2008, 02:45:14 PM
4 WORMS AND A LESSON                

 A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup .
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
 
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
 
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
 
Maxine was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,
 
 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 03, 2008, 04:53:49 AM
OK, if you did not like the last one, how about this:

Luxury Redneck High Rise

(http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o47/Wildcatsmoker/RedneckHighRise.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 03, 2008, 12:34:17 PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 03, 2008, 02:36:31 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Ontrack on March 03, 2008, 04:36:27 PM
 ;D Funniest one I've seen in a while, Red. I must admit, I don't read them all, but that was a good one.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 04, 2008, 01:40:07 AM
Is yer Dad home?

A Queensland   farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either.  She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg?  Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull  and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 04, 2008, 04:48:36 AM
Good one.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 04, 2008, 05:27:33 AM
That started my day with a laugh ;D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on March 04, 2008, 08:53:19 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on March 05, 2008, 10:40:19 PM
Bigred and Manx................ :D :D :D Great stuff guys  :D


Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on March 06, 2008, 01:31:23 PM
Appropriate for some of us in the northern climes...

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v504/acesandeights/Cold.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 06, 2008, 02:06:30 PM
MATHEMATICAL DERIVATIONS
 
 This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: 

 What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
  than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say
  they are giving more than  100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
  over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

 Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
 
 If:  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
 is represented as:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22
 23 24 25 26.
 
 Then:
 H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
 and
 
 K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
 
 But,  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
 
 And,
 B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T  2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
 
 AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
 A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G  1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
 
 So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
 Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t
 and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 06, 2008, 03:20:02 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 07, 2008, 09:23:49 AM
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you'll love this...

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let
them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
'How much money do you make a week?'A little surprised,
the young man looked at him and replied,'I make $400 a week. Why? 'The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks'
pay now GET OUT and don't come back. 'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here? "From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on March 07, 2008, 10:34:55 AM
Sounds like our company Wildcat. Last year the water bottle deliver guy got a written reprimand from our CO!!!  :o :D I guess that's what happens when you hang out around the water cooler.  ;)
BTW: The Co is no longer with us.............but the water delivery guy still shows up each week. :) :) :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 07, 2008, 12:55:46 PM
Good one wildcat! I like yours as well Ice. Here's the blonde joke for the day.

The Wal-Mart Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?



WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 07, 2008, 02:01:13 PM
Hahaha........... couple of good ones.  :D ;)

Tail-less cats eh?

http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=manx+cat&um=1&ie=UTF-8
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 07, 2008, 03:05:00 PM
Tail-less cats?  :o
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on March 07, 2008, 07:09:04 PM
I Wonder if they have those cats over on the Isle of Man where Manxman lives?  ???  :D
I had one way back when. He was a cool cat for sure. Attitude? Dang right he did!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on March 07, 2008, 10:23:05 PM
They are pretty cool critters.  We went shopping in Italy last Saturday and saw one in a city park.  He was a real friendly guy and had a purr like a chain saw.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 08, 2008, 01:32:20 PM
Quote
Wonder if they have those cats over on the Isle of Man where Manxman lives? 


Yep, Manx cats are tail-less and are pretty common over here, apparently they have been exported to many countries. Never had one myself, prefer the tailed variety.  :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 11, 2008, 09:23:34 AM
The Bible and A Haircut...

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd
make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real
disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on March 11, 2008, 09:44:43 AM
Cute one Wildcat. Just shows you us old dudes can still out think them young pups sometimes  :D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on March 11, 2008, 02:30:46 PM
My contribution:

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 11, 2008, 05:11:14 PM
 ;D ;D ;D I wonder if I could get away with that!?  Naw, not with my luck.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 12, 2008, 01:02:00 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 12, 2008, 02:45:14 AM
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Garda (police) at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".

"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the F*ck would you say?"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 12, 2008, 04:35:39 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 12, 2008, 05:45:54 AM
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what  could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

  'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. 

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs  attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in  it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>



'Well', the Sarge  says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and  pull her up again !



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on March 12, 2008, 09:09:21 AM
Way too funny guys.  After reading these last posts I nearly sprayed my monitor with Zinfandel!!!   ;D ;D ;D ;D  Thanks for the jokes.

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on March 12, 2008, 12:12:05 PM
The first time:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
protection and "doing it."
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a
3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."   ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 12, 2008, 03:38:14 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 12, 2008, 06:26:36 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  Good one.

Here is another.

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous

look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

 

 

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little

girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and

asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is

butt dust?"

 

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on March 12, 2008, 10:25:39 PM
 :D ;D :D ;D 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 13, 2008, 02:59:16 AM
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem." 

 

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that." Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 13, 2008, 03:22:47 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 13, 2008, 09:05:11 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve y our pain if you'd allow me, 'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 13, 2008, 01:36:31 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on March 16, 2008, 07:06:06 PM
That is an oldie but goodie bigred!!! My hubby has been telling that jewel for a long time!!! Cracks me up everytime I hear/read it!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 17, 2008, 09:48:56 AM
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
 
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
 
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all,
 right there on the kitchen table.
 
Afterwards she said,"Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained

>
>
>
>
>
>
>


"The egg timer's broken."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hotrod on March 17, 2008, 09:56:02 AM
Good One... well just checking out the forum been reading for the past couple days.... I just turned my new smoker on for the first time  put in 8 chips and after that its time for deer jerky... I have had it curing for the past 24hours in the new recipe.. I have my fingers crossed and will hope for the best... going to try 5#'s first and see what happens ... I am callin it the alberta redneck deer jerky... didnt think i would ever be naming jerky but here goes nothing... beautiful day .for smokin!!!  anyone with  tips please advise thanks   ;D :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 17, 2008, 10:35:12 AM
Good one Manxman.   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on March 17, 2008, 10:39:11 AM
funny good one
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on March 17, 2008, 03:12:30 PM
An Irishman was on his death bed talking to his life long pal. "O'Riley, I
have a favor to ask of ye." Look beneath my bed and you will find a 50 year
old bottle of the finest Irish whiskey ever made. After I die, I want you to
pour the whiskey over my grave, so my bones will soak up mother Irelands
finest. O'Riley began to tear up and said to his life long pal, "Do you mind
if I strain it through my kidneys first?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 17, 2008, 04:58:58 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hotrod on March 17, 2008, 05:22:02 PM
Subject: sneeze
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?'

The woman replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.' The man, now feeling bad, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?' The woman looks at him and says, 'Pepper.'   cheers :)

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 18, 2008, 01:10:52 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on March 18, 2008, 04:23:39 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 18, 2008, 07:51:38 AM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the mother and babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."



"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

 

 



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 18, 2008, 04:42:44 PM
Good one!  ;D ;D ;D

Here is another:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
> Northwestern University.
> On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
> standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
> so Peter approached it very carefully.
>
>
> He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
> large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
> he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
> the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
> man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
> several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
> being trampled. Eventually the elep hant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
> walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
>
> Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
> teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
> were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
> foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
> times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
> was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
> railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
> elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
> wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass
> against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on March 18, 2008, 05:37:51 PM
 :D  :D  ;D  ;D

Ok....  Ya had me on that one Wildcat!  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on March 18, 2008, 09:07:40 PM
Not that's funny. Dont care who you are that there is funny.  LOL... :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 19, 2008, 12:54:36 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 19, 2008, 07:11:07 AM
Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old
canons and laws of the church by hand.
 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the
wall and wailing, "We missed the R !  We missed the R !  We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

CELEBRATE!!!"



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 19, 2008, 07:14:49 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 19, 2008, 09:33:16 AM
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS. . .

 



                   I think you will enjoy reading these.
 
Subject: Sunday School


LOT'S WIFE
    The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife

looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason

interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was

driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a

telephone pole!'



GOOD SAMARITAN
    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of

the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, 'If you saw a

person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding,

what would you do?'
    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd

throw up.'



DID NOAH FISH?
    A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think

Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny . 'How could he, with just two

worms.'



HIGHER POWER

    A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have

been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible

times.  But, there is a Higher Power.  Can anybody tell me

what it is?'
    One child blurted out, 'Aces!'


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young

class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the

Bible - Psalm 23.   She gave the youngsters a month to

learn the chapter.   Little Rick was excited about the task -

but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.   After much

practice, he could barely get past the first line.     

    On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm

23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and

said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I

need to know."


BEING THANKFUL
    A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your

mother says your prayers for you each night?  That's very

commendable.  What does she say?'
    The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'


TIME TO PRAY
    A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every

night.
    'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
    'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the

pastor asked.
   'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the

daytime.'



SAY A PRAYER
    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner

at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated

around the table as the food was being served.  When

Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right

away. 
    'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his

mother.
    'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
    'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always

say a prayer before eating at our house.'
    'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is

Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 19, 2008, 03:30:28 PM
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agreed.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Washington Redskins tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby said, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hotrod on March 19, 2008, 03:49:39 PM
THE CANADIAN WAY 
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says, 'That's a karate chop from Korea.
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
That's a judo chop from Japan', he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.
The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a F......in' hockey stick from Canadian Tire.


cheers
hotrod
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Ontrack on March 19, 2008, 04:15:58 PM
Brothers Zeke and Cletus from West Virginia, now hunting guides in Colorado, decided to drive back to the hills of the Wild and Wonderul state for Easter. About halfway through the trip, with Cletus driving, Zeke declared " I gotta poop"! Cletus told Zeke that there was no rest area or service station for many miles. "Pull over right now, I gotta GO!", said Zeke. Cletus whipped the car off onto the shoulder of the road. Zeke made a quick inventory and said "we ain't got not toilet paper, napkins, magazines-there ain't even a leaf on the trees-what am I gonna use to wipe with?" Cletus thought for a second and came up with an idea. "I guess you'll have to use your last dollar". Zeke agreed and bolted down over an embankment. A few minutes later, he climbed back up the bank, covered from head to toe in poop. Cletus said" Good Lord, what happened to you? I thought you were going to wipe with that dollar!" And, the reply from Zeke: "He!! with you, you sumb!tch! You ever wiped your a$$ with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"



I am a native West Virginian, by the way...
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hotrod on March 20, 2008, 05:47:48 AM
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so damn cranky around here.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 20, 2008, 04:31:17 PM
COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA

 

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

 

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

 

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

 

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 24, 2008, 01:41:28 PM
This is my piggy bank after filling up my vehicle.

(http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o47/Wildcatsmoker/PiggyBank.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 25, 2008, 05:11:04 PM
An Irish Goast Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
 
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come toward him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
 
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the >horrible experience he had just had.
 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
 
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..
 
"Look, Paddy... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on March 27, 2008, 02:38:21 PM
For those who like to fly, are afraid to fly, or have ever flown on a commercial airliner. All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

 2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

 

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

 

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted" and on board a Spirit airlines flight, the flight attendant said "Please be careful when opening the  overhead compartments as your belongings may have shifted ... as we all know, shift happens"

 

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

 8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

 

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of  an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

 

11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children.....or other adults acting like children."

 

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

 

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a  particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain  was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

 

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies seven miles above the surface of the earth in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

 20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

21. AND my favorite that I heard myself on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

22. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Continental flight 566 to .... uh  ... uh .............uh.

 

23. Heard on a nearly empty America West flight leaving Phoenix and headed to Las Vegas: If any of you wish to relocate to another seat  before we take off, please move to a window seat so that as we taxi out for take off the competition will think we're full.

 

24. Heard on a Spirit flight, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a No Smoking flight. If we see or smell smoke anywhere near you, will will  assume you are on fire and will take the necessary steps."

 

25. Heard on a Spirit flight just prior to landing, "Since no one has ever reached the terminal before the plane, the flight crew would like to remind you to remain in your seats until the aircraft has come to a  complete stop"
 
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on March 28, 2008, 12:05:53 PM
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans


'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

--------------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

--------------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

--------------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on March 31, 2008, 06:53:14 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
 
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on March 31, 2008, 06:58:56 AM
The most important item below is the last one, about the clothes dryer!
It could save your home from a fire, and maybe your life!
DID YOU KNOW?
 
 
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.

To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.

Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.

Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert.  Simple chop them up with the food chopper.  Peel, core and slice a few apples.  Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples.  Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.  Yum

1. Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

2. Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag.  Seal, mash till they are all broken up.  Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg.  Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

3. Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes.  You can double it in size.  You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount.  You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

4. Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

5. Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds.  Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

6. Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

7. No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

8. Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

9. Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum.  It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

10. Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress.  Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- ta da! -- static is gone.

11. Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.  Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

12. Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields?  Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car.  When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!  Works better than a cloth!

13. Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two.  Viola! It unseals easily.

14. Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

15. Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well.  You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

16. Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it
"home," can't digest it so it kills them.  It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.)
He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like.
Well,...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh!  It didn't go through it at all!  He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it!  He said the best
way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.  He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!  How about that!?! Learn something new everyday!  I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!

Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by running water on it. The
water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in
the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I had it done in 30 seconds.  Then when I rinsed it -- the water ran right thru the screen!  There wasn't any pudding at all!  That repairman knew what he was talking about!

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.  NOT ONLY COULD IT SAVE SOMEONE'S HOME, BUT IT COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on April 08, 2008, 11:41:10 AM
I don't know where this came from so take it as you will; Intresting reading though.

I hope you will all read to the end. Jay Leno puts it into perspective and makes us think about the pathetic negativity.That's right, Jay Leno!!

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President.  In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just isn't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so  unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water  24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and  heating in the winter?

Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Oceanwithout having to present identification papers as we move through each state?

Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.

Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family ,  and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents.  Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?  The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keepi ng all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it be cause the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistanhave volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?    Say what you want, but I blame it on the media.  If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Jay Leno
2007
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 08, 2008, 06:50:13 PM
Very good read Pat.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on April 09, 2008, 04:09:43 PM
I agree!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on April 10, 2008, 09:20:07 AM
  A blind man with his seeing-eye dog walk into a china shop. Suddenly he stops, pulls the guide dog up by his leash and starts spinning the dog around over his head. The shop owner runs up to him and asks him what the hell was he doing. The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Buck36 on April 10, 2008, 10:07:22 AM
I don't know where this came from so take it as you will; Intresting reading though.

I love the article but looks like it wasn't Jay Leno who started it. Sorry I just got curious.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/hitnail.asp (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/hitnail.asp)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on April 10, 2008, 01:55:31 PM
I don't know where this came from so take it as you will; Intresting reading though.

I love the article but looks like it wasn't Jay Leno who started it. Sorry I just got curious.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/hitnail.asp (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/hitnail.asp)
Like I said I didn't know where it came from. Seems like a lot of that type of thing doesn't come from the person that it says it's from. Sounds like it might be something Jay would say though. :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 11, 2008, 06:08:20 AM
The Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little Old lady
who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm
is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot.


The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and
proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a
husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

>
>
>
>


The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the
bucket...and I'll hold the chickens."

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 11, 2008, 06:17:45 AM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed .  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Buck36 on April 11, 2008, 09:25:49 AM
http://www.wintrest.com/if-celebs-moved-to-oklahoma/ (http://www.wintrest.com/if-celebs-moved-to-oklahoma/)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on April 11, 2008, 09:05:53 PM
Emails sent to all I know in Oklahoma. That Britney turned out pretty good after all huh  :P
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on April 12, 2008, 06:55:41 PM
You Know your a true Alaskan fisherman when:

1. Your fridge and freezer has more bait then food.
2. You raid your wife's jewelry box for new "lures".
3. The local hospital E.R. keeps your file on standby during the fly fishing season.
4. The bumper sticker on your truck says "A bad day of fishing still beats a good day at work"
5. Your "tackle box" is a 5 gallon bucket.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on April 12, 2008, 06:56:19 PM
Fish Widow

Bob and two of his buddies have gone fishing every Sunday for nearly 25 years. One Sunday, the guys are fishing from their boat in a lake close to town when a slow moving funeral processional drives by. Well, Bob lays down his fishing pool, quietly stands up in the boat and takes off his lucky hat placing it over his heart. Being rather large in size, the processional takes several minutes to completely pass by. Once out of sight, Bob quietly sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions and after a few minutes of awkward silence one of them finally speaks up and says to Bob, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by". To that Bob replied, "It seems like the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to that woman for over twenty-five years!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 14, 2008, 01:58:52 AM
 :D :D :D



Ring - Ring

'Hello ?'

'Hi honey.

This  is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't
moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***






***Longer Pause***






***Even Longer Pause***






Then Daddy says,


'Swimming pool, what swimming pool?

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 14, 2008, 06:32:43 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time, .. . . PRICELESS!!!

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on April 14, 2008, 03:56:09 PM
That was too good manxman!! :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on April 14, 2008, 04:43:16 PM
The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it,
I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope
that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know
something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native
English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking
the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather
difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the
pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic
gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on April 14, 2008, 06:10:12 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 14, 2008, 06:58:04 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: mcanik on April 14, 2008, 07:06:18 PM

Canadian Temperature Scale:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
+50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Canada start saying, "Eh, Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on April 14, 2008, 08:08:27 PM
 :D  :D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 15, 2008, 12:39:53 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....


The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said,

"You are The woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night  we met in the office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV
controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 15, 2008, 05:42:15 PM
Spring Fever
 
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: mcanik on April 15, 2008, 07:34:21 PM
 :D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 16, 2008, 04:30:09 PM
It has finally happened!

(http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o47/Wildcatsmoker/Beer.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on April 20, 2008, 04:41:46 AM
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on April 20, 2008, 05:33:37 PM
Why do we drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway ?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on April 20, 2008, 06:14:02 PM
The same reason there is a pair of panties and one bra
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 22, 2008, 10:34:59 AM
Although not a funny, I thought you folks would enjoy these words of wisdom.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.   'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'

'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on April 22, 2008, 10:48:56 AM
Very Good WildCat!  ;)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on April 22, 2008, 11:27:49 AM
Good one Cat man. I think we all need to remind ourselves of this once in awhile.  :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Buck36 on April 22, 2008, 11:33:04 AM
Found in a Newspaper from Holland this week...................

We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bi#$% and who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?

Down to basics if you ask me!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Buck36 on April 22, 2008, 11:40:13 AM
What to wear when the wife has chores.....

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh16/Buck36/camo.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 22, 2008, 11:42:25 AM
Now that is my kind of couch and PJ's.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 22, 2008, 01:21:13 PM
A  farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.   He  painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and  set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.   As he  was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on  his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'
'Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
'These  puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'
The boy dropped his head for a moment.  Then reaching deep into his pocket,
he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

'I've got thirty-nine cents.  Is that enough to take a look?'

'Sure,'  said the farmer.  And with that he let out a whistle.
'Here,  Dolly!' he called.  Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly  followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.
His eyes danced with delight.  As the dogs made their way to the fence, the  little boy noticed something else stirring inside the  doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt.  The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,  'Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. 

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, ‘ You see sir, I don't run too well myself,
and he will need someone who understands.'

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

'How  much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's  no charge for love.'

The world is full of people who need  someone who understands  ..
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on April 22, 2008, 02:04:25 PM
Another great story WildCat!  ;)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on April 24, 2008, 02:18:50 PM
Ok, enough of the sappy stuff, back to a joke:

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie
and Donnie.  As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the
tower and is killed instantly.
 
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.'
 
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it.' 
 
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
 
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
 
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
 
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?'
 
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said
to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
 
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
 
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are .'
 
 
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 25, 2008, 03:18:22 AM
 :D :D :D

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. 

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside,and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.   

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked: 'Why are you laughing, Mister?' 

'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied................... 'I'm a gynaecologist ...........'

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 25, 2008, 07:18:17 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on April 25, 2008, 08:29:54 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  Great one Manx.  LOL
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on April 30, 2008, 06:23:49 AM


A Scotsman phones his dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

'£85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied.

'£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper...?'

'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.

'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic...?'

'That's unusual,sir, but we could do it and knock, say, £15 off.'

'Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic...?'

'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to, say, £40'.

'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'

'It'll certainly be good for the students', mulled the dentist. 'but it will be very traumatic, and I'll still have to charge you £5.'

'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman. 'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then.. ?'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on April 30, 2008, 07:29:08 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on April 30, 2008, 03:22:53 PM
Good one!  ;D ;D ;D

Here is another:


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
 
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
 
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.  You should all give it a try.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on April 30, 2008, 04:38:43 PM
Good one, Wildcat.  I gave it a try but made the mistake of not realizing I had half a bottle of Viagra.  Now, I got that stinking priopism and the wife is at work  :o :o :'(
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on April 30, 2008, 05:26:23 PM
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out 

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 01, 2008, 02:33:53 AM
Liverpool Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from London, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Manchester and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 01, 2008, 06:42:08 AM
Little Johnny:

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was 'fascinated.

'The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

However, she decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.




Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 01, 2008, 10:36:07 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D  Both are great.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 02, 2008, 08:51:07 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Texas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
Yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little 0 on
your knee.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on May 02, 2008, 09:10:17 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on May 02, 2008, 02:43:21 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 02, 2008, 03:02:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 02, 2008, 03:28:02 PM
Nice one Mike.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 08, 2008, 04:30:42 AM
Another "little johnny" story:


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon who was a RAF flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens, that's some story," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on May 08, 2008, 07:33:19 AM
ROFLOL  that is priceless Manx.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 08, 2008, 04:59:11 PM
Good one Manxman!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on May 10, 2008, 10:58:18 AM
Now that's funny!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 12, 2008, 01:32:26 AM
CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two locals,
Bluey and Bazza sitting at the nexttable turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on May 12, 2008, 03:02:55 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 13, 2008, 07:07:25 AM
I found this on another forum..... Pretty funny!  ;D

Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 13, 2008, 08:27:11 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 13, 2008, 02:17:44 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 19, 2008, 06:38:44 AM
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a  cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
 
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
 
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Daily thought:  Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 19, 2008, 06:43:34 AM
Those are good Rick!  :D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on May 19, 2008, 06:59:06 AM
 ;D ;D ;D  Very funny.  I've had neighbours in the past who really took number 7 to heart.  Shoulda seen their cars.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: tturaider on May 19, 2008, 09:55:05 AM
Wild #3 is true and bein from texas im a true beliver in #7.  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 19, 2008, 03:53:57 PM
I like the daily thought myself!!! :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 19, 2008, 05:05:35 PM
I like the daily thought myself!!! :)

He, he, he - so do I!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on May 19, 2008, 05:17:02 PM
I like the daily thought myself!!! :)

Chris said she likes the daily thought too, then she tilted her head like she was day dreaming and starting to smile. The rest of today she was leaving messages on my cell for someone called Slinkie  ???

Domenick
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 19, 2008, 05:21:17 PM
I like that gal's sense of humor!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 19, 2008, 06:33:33 PM
Well...who would blame her? :) heh...heh...heh...slinkie man...:)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on May 19, 2008, 06:58:47 PM
I like that gal's sense of humor!

Morbid sense of humor is more like it  :D She has to have a great sense of humor, we've been friends for 32 years. LQ no comment from you  :P :P :P :P

Domenick
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on May 19, 2008, 07:04:26 PM
Well...who would blame her? :) heh...heh...heh...slinkie man...:)

Well I can't, I can think of 1,2 maybe 20 time's around her I have accidentally fallen while on steps. I'm beginning to see a pattern here  :-\

Domenick

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 19, 2008, 08:21:40 PM
Ya don't say? Not out loud? Huh...she seemed VERY BRIGHT AND PERCEPTIVE!!! :) Maybe it's a girl thing...who knows...(yeah right)!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on May 20, 2008, 02:03:13 AM
Ya don't say? Not out loud? Huh...she seemed VERY BRIGHT AND PERCEPTIVE!!! :) Maybe it's a girl thing...who knows...(yeah right)!!!

Your right LQ she don't miss much around me, I keep her on her toe's. Your on to something with this girl thing. Thinking about it the only time's I've fallen on stairs is when I've been around my ex-wife's, Chris and my daughter   :-\  I need to think about this slinkie theory ???

Domenick
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on May 20, 2008, 06:30:03 PM
Texas Midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
 
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.  The midget dropped his pants.
 
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
 
and started to examine him.
 
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle
 
and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
 
"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
 
"Aha!"  Said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors...
 
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
 
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
 
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
 
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
 
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
 
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?"
 
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 20, 2008, 06:35:17 PM
:)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 21, 2008, 05:29:55 AM
A couple of these are similar to the ones Wildcat posted but most aren't


TOP TEN THOUGHTS FROM 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to
criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut
saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.  Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today

'Life is like a jar of jalapeños.  What you do today, might burn your ass
tomorrow'.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 21, 2008, 12:14:49 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on May 21, 2008, 06:45:57 PM
Very nice Mike.  I can relate to #8 and the bonus thought.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 21, 2008, 06:48:13 PM
I like number 6...where is slinky man anyway??? :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: huhwhatliar on May 22, 2008, 01:36:49 AM
I like number 6...where is slinky man anyway??? :)

 :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P

Domenick
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on May 23, 2008, 04:17:34 AM


Subject: Cannon balls

(http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x98/3renshordf/cannon.jpg)
Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.  But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.  The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.  Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
 
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the   bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations called a Monkey.  But if this plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it.  The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
 
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.  Thus it was quite literally cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.  And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?

Tom
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on May 23, 2008, 12:03:47 PM
 :D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

That's good Tom!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on May 23, 2008, 02:51:16 PM
 ;D Things that make you go hmmmmm
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 26, 2008, 04:41:43 PM
Here is an e-mail joke that my wife got today.  Thought you ladies might like it:

THE PERFECT DRESS
 
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear
and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
 
Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not. I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

 
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,  'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another
dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they wentshopping and did find another
gorgeous dress.

 
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
 
'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really
don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do,
dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the
wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOYTHIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN (or divorced man) YOU KNOW !!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on May 26, 2008, 07:43:42 PM
Good'n Wildcat !!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on May 26, 2008, 08:19:35 PM
YUP!!! That works!! :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on May 29, 2008, 06:11:03 AM
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful  woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be an off duty flight attendant.

But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

 A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her again "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the
list.

 Then he tried the Thai Airways slogan and said to her: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned to him with, "What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said:

>
>
>
>
>


 "Ahhhhh, British Airways!

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on May 29, 2008, 08:50:23 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on May 29, 2008, 09:25:25 AM
  ;D ;D ;D  Good 'un.  If you want to see some real attitude fly a domestic, short haul Air France flight and ask for a cup of coffee - in English.   :-\
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on May 31, 2008, 07:20:33 AM
DAVE'S LAST NIGHT OUT
  Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
 His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,  "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
 His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this  club before.
 "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if  he'd like his usual and hands him a Budweiser.
 His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable  and says, "How did she know that you drink  Budweiser?"
  "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the  golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

 A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself  all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

  Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and  storms out of the club.

  Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside  her.
 Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper  must have mistaken him for someone else, but  his wife is having none of it.
 She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,  calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave,  you picked up a real b**ch this time!"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on May 31, 2008, 07:26:29 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on June 03, 2008, 11:11:52 AM
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore so she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What' s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith. The midget."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 03, 2008, 11:19:18 AM
HeHeHe  ;D Thats just bad HeHeHe   ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on June 03, 2008, 01:26:23 PM
That is a good one. I was not expecting that.

Brad
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 03, 2008, 03:53:05 PM
That one caught me a little short bigred :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on June 03, 2008, 04:11:10 PM
I still don't see how that's sexual harassment ??? ??? ???














 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 03, 2008, 04:14:55 PM
Oh  I get it now    :o :o ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 04, 2008, 02:47:14 AM
Hahaha.......... good one bigred.  :D :D :D

This is an old joke, still funny though:



Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his p*nis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a s*x therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p*nis into the pickle slicer?'

Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

Yes, I did.' he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

>
>
>
>
>

>
>


‘Oh...she got fired too.'

 





Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 04, 2008, 03:08:40 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 04, 2008, 04:27:03 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 04, 2008, 08:54:45 AM
Natal Curry Contest.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from Australia.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain cleaner.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

                                          Judge # 3 -- No Report
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 04, 2008, 09:08:04 AM
Now thats funny!!   ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on June 04, 2008, 10:34:53 AM
Now thats funny!!   ;D

C

I'll second that!  :D  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 04, 2008, 05:23:53 PM
 ;D ;D ;D Kind of reminds me of Ice's wing sauce!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 05, 2008, 06:21:55 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
 
On the day the proxy father was due to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Unbeknownst to them he had been delayed considerably.

However, half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'm', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in thinking he was the proxy surrogate father, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on June 05, 2008, 04:09:41 PM
A lady goes on vacation to Barbados ......... Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?'
'I can't tell you' the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, 'Can you please tell me you name?'   I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at Me.' says the Black man. 'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.  'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter; the black man gets mad and says, 'I knew you would make fun of it'.
The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in  Barbados!'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 05, 2008, 06:21:35 PM
Here is a translation of words that women use:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 

 

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

 

 (3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

 

 

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

(5)Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

 

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here: This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'... that will bring on a 'whatever').

 

 

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 05, 2008, 06:32:16 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 06, 2008, 02:30:20 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on June 07, 2008, 11:06:38 AM


Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
 
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage
in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
 
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! --
that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
But then, this really isn't about me....... 
 

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal
with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the
'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's
acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to
cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes
and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if
the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us or
for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the
chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the
wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for
it now and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes
and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die.   In the rain.   Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was GAY! Can't you people see the plain truth?! That's why
they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases
like 'the other side'.  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It's as plain and
as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the
chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell,
for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case
of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken.  This new platform is much more stable and will never
cr a...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white?!  We need some black chickens!
 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 07, 2008, 11:53:57 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

The Chicken crossed to road to get brined, rubbed and into the Smoker....
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on June 09, 2008, 11:40:26 AM
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
________________________________________
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on June 09, 2008, 12:52:18 PM
That's Priceless Iceman!  8)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 09, 2008, 03:04:30 PM
 ;D ;D

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and Every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, Esther, 'I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never Get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for The entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on June 09, 2008, 03:25:32 PM
Ohhhh that's good Wildcat!  :D

Where's LQ when ya need her!  ::)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 09, 2008, 05:02:43 PM
HeHeHe I like that one..yep fifty bucks thats 3 boxes of mesquite!

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 12, 2008, 06:08:10 PM
A blond (helpful person) lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?'  'Sure,' answered the blond, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into th eir seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo. 

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 12, 2008, 06:13:02 PM
Dear Abby questions:

> WHAT ARE YOUR    ANSWERS ???

> ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS    AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

> Dear Abby,  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

> Dear Abby,  What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

> Dear Abby,  I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

> Dear Abby,  I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

> Dear Abby,  I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

> Dear Abby,  Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

> Dear Abby,  I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

> Dear Abby,  My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every  week for two and a half years. He must be crazy!

> Dear Abby,  I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

> Dear Abby,  My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

> Dear Abby,   You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?



> Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 13, 2008, 01:53:46 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on June 14, 2008, 04:52:19 AM
Wildcat,

  Some people are not smart most of the time. It was a good article.

Brad
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on June 14, 2008, 07:01:11 AM
The real scary part is that not only can they vote but they can reproduce as well.  And unfortunately, they usually do at such a high rate.  Course, that could be why there is an overabundance of folks in Washington  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 18, 2008, 12:54:20 PM
After reading this you'll understand why I'm still single.  ;D

Bobs Son asked his mother the following question, 'Mom , why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'  ::)


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'


The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 18, 2008, 01:59:31 PM
 ;D ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on June 18, 2008, 03:20:10 PM
ARRRGGGGHHHHH...:)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 18, 2008, 03:57:19 PM
 HeeheeHee  ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on June 18, 2008, 10:52:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  Gotta remember that one.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: deb415611 on June 19, 2008, 03:52:01 AM
ARRRGGGGHHHHH...:)

I second LQ's ARRRGGGGGHHHH  :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on June 19, 2008, 04:53:39 AM
I remain giggling like a school girl....................

But I feel for the sister smokers out there  ;D



















Hey guys, do you feel like I covered myself enough on that one?  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on June 19, 2008, 10:42:10 AM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. and Canadian grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it?  Tough!   Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 19, 2008, 11:19:03 AM
Now there's a plan..simple and straight to the point!

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on June 19, 2008, 11:52:59 AM
You covered yourself nicely Giggles...for the moment...you are safe!! :)

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 19, 2008, 02:20:59 PM
I like the corn plan.  Ought to send it to DC as food for thought.  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 19, 2008, 02:25:26 PM
Sorry Deb and LQ, but for some unknown reason everyone else thought it was funny.  ;D

Like I said..... now you understand why I'm still single.  ;) 
I told that joke at the club the other day and I had every woman in the place ready to kill me. LOL.... and I do not know why.  ::)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on June 19, 2008, 03:08:21 PM
Ok...Molly McRock...:) I get ya know...
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 19, 2008, 05:36:25 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 19, 2008, 05:50:49 PM
Am I old or what...does anybody remember avocado for appliances..oh and yellow shag carpet! 

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on June 19, 2008, 07:00:10 PM
Nope.......................you're old  :P ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on June 19, 2008, 10:22:07 PM
Hey WTS...I remember those...and a nice golden formica counter top to go with it!!! :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 20, 2008, 01:44:26 AM
It may just be me but I do not think a bride would look good in 'avocado'.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on June 20, 2008, 04:37:04 AM
I love avacados..........I think most women would look good in them........mmmmmmmmmmm, guacamole.........good........
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 20, 2008, 06:41:50 AM
that... was... just... ducky.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on June 20, 2008, 07:31:07 AM
Guess that means I gotta find a bride that don't mind wearing Stainless Steel.........
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on June 20, 2008, 01:39:38 PM
Our house had avocado appliances, mustard glass in the china cabinet, grass cloth wallpaper, and rust burlap wall paper as an accent on the kitchen soffits.  The rust looked nice next to the avocado green "ski jump" cooktop hood.  And we had some of that gold shag in one of the bedrooms too. 

The price was right, but I think we made up the difference ripping out and replacing stuff.  We've at least brought the house out of 70s chic.  We should have left it in and marketed the place as "vintage."  We did keep the intercom system, mainly because I didn't want to patch all the drywall.  Plus, I can make ghost noises throughout the house. 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on June 21, 2008, 07:00:25 AM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 24, 2008, 09:47:08 AM
(http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o47/Wildcatsmoker/REDNECK_SEAFOOD_DINNER1.jpg)

Redneck Seafood
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 24, 2008, 09:56:49 AM
Now thats funny, don't care who ya are!  Always wondered where that there calamari come from!

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 24, 2008, 10:01:03 AM
Railroad tracks.
 
 
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
 
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  That's an exceedingly odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used?  Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads?  Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.  (Two horses' asses.)  Now, the twist to the story:
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's.  The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' asses.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.  And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?  Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...and...CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on June 24, 2008, 10:43:38 AM
WOW!  :o

Isn't that the pinnacle of bureaucracy!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 25, 2008, 02:03:43 PM
Intelligent Life On Earth?

1 . WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 25, 2008, 02:47:06 PM
Good one Wildcat!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on June 25, 2008, 02:50:27 PM
here's one:



An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...But I'll stick with my moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 5 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on June 25, 2008, 03:36:50 PM
HeeHeeHee....I like that one pens!  ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 25, 2008, 05:36:06 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 25, 2008, 07:04:36 PM
 ;D ;D ;D Loved that one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on June 26, 2008, 04:58:55 AM
 :D :D :D :D

Few quick fire jokes:

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, stuff the pills, have you seen the monkeys in the kitchen?!'

--------------------------------------------

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says: 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,

'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies: 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

---------------------------
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my s*xy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies: 'Your sense of humour!'

-------------------------
An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on June 26, 2008, 07:27:31 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on June 26, 2008, 09:32:04 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 01, 2008, 06:32:00 AM
Variation on an old med school joke:

The Dead Cow and Vet School.

First-year students at Michigan State University's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities";

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the an*l opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 01, 2008, 09:00:53 AM
 ;D ;D ;D  Good one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on July 03, 2008, 04:57:53 AM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept at their place, and two swore
he was still there.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 06, 2008, 05:23:17 PM
Good ones Manx and Wildcat  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on July 06, 2008, 05:37:23 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on July 07, 2008, 08:30:37 PM
Definition of Politically Correct


The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at
Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a
contemporary term.

This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote,

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream
media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible
to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on July 08, 2008, 04:03:02 AM
 :) :D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on July 08, 2008, 04:34:36 AM
 ;D ;D ;D  Too bleedin' true, that.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on July 10, 2008, 08:26:35 PM
TBS,
ya nailed it with that one  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on July 11, 2008, 02:27:57 PM
BINGO TBS  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 15, 2008, 05:53:03 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary....his wife was really mad .

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on July 15, 2008, 07:21:32 AM
 :D  :D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

That's good Manxman!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on July 18, 2008, 04:36:51 AM
Irish Boy's Confession ...... all names are ficticious!!!!!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine 0' Toole, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads
 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on July 18, 2008, 04:54:20 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: dick621 on July 23, 2008, 02:54:32 PM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman. "  " Oh yea? said Charlie. " And how did this one end?"  " When it was over," Mike replied, she came to me on her hands and knees."  " Really," said Charlie, "Now thats a switch!  What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on July 23, 2008, 04:26:09 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D good one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on July 23, 2008, 05:53:57 PM
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the first one to reach her, but end up in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to test them 'The first one who can use the words liver and cheese in an intelligent sentence can go out with me!

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks quickly and says 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish' says the poodle, 'that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Ummm. I Hate liver and cheese,' blurts the golden retriever.

'My, my,' said the poodle.  'I guess it's hopeless, that was no better then the lab's sentence.'

She turns to the last of the three 'How about you, little guy?'

Tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua.  He gives her a smile, and a sly wink and turns to the other two and says.....

'Liver alone, Cheese mine!'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on July 30, 2008, 01:24:39 PM
GOOD AND SIMPLE REASONING!!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped
his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I open
its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...Try doing it with the engine running.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on August 05, 2008, 02:08:48 PM
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said 'Implants?'

She hit me.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on August 06, 2008, 02:19:29 PM
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bill says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill, after a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bill the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story:
Bull 0 might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who 0s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of 0 is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep 0, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chrispy on August 06, 2008, 04:19:55 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel in his pants.  The bar tender says, "captain, do you know you have a ships wheel in your pants?"  The pirate replies, "Arrrr, I know. it's drivin' me nuts!"

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on August 09, 2008, 04:47:24 AM
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 09, 2008, 05:17:11 AM
 :D Nice one.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 11, 2008, 06:59:08 AM
After being interviewed by the school administration, the
teaching prospect said,
 
'Let me see if I've got this right:
 
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of
abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt
messages, and Instill in them a love for learning.   
 
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war
on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their
sense of self esteem and personal pride. 
 
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,
sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to
check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial
behavior, and make sure that they all pass the provincial
exams.
 
 
'You want me to provide them with an equal education
regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly
with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and
report card. 
 
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a
blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and
a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You
want me to do all this and THEN you tell me.................
 
'I CAN'T PRAY?'
 
 

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on August 11, 2008, 05:43:08 PM
 ;D seems ackward huh cat...  :-[  A lot riding on our teachers.  Our futures for one... :-\
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: firerescueman on August 11, 2008, 08:52:25 PM
ok..... true story here...    (you have to know me and my wife....  this is how we talk to each other all the time....  we will celebrate 13 years of marriage this December....  she's just mad she didn't think of something first!  lol)

the scene:
I am reclined in my easy chair and she is sprawled out on the couch,  we're watching TV and someone on a commercial mentions that she's a "trophy wife"....  here is the conversation that followed:


wife:   (leans her head back and looks at me over the arm of the couch and says:)  "Yep!   You've got yourself one of them trophy wives!!! 


to which I promptly replied:
Yep!  Just like all my other trophies......   I was real proud when I first got ya!   First couple of years after I brought you home I kept you shined up and showed you off to all of my friends......   now you just sit in the corner and collect dust.  !!!
 ;) ;) :D :o


I think she put Ex-Lax in the soup tonight............. ::)




Jeff



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Gizmo on August 11, 2008, 09:31:27 PM
If the soup tastes like almonds, you better call your buds driving the ambulance.  LOL
Nice one.
A little bread and water for a few weeks won't hurt, especially when you have a secret stash of brisket at work.   ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on August 11, 2008, 09:37:58 PM
ya, ya, ya, I remember back to the 13th year. ;D   You get smarter with time ... same clever comments in your head :-X, good stuff comes outloud :-*. Life is better now  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on August 11, 2008, 10:58:29 PM
Somebody once told me I was a trophy wife...a "bowling trophy"...I kinda liked it...thought it was ironically funny!!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 15, 2008, 12:59:06 PM


The Church Gossip

 

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing.  George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.

 

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and then walked home.  And he left it there.  All night.

 

You gotta love George.
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 15, 2008, 01:00:35 PM
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,

expertly tailored black suit.

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the

body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit

he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best

in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde

mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please

have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her

husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit

fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To

her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with

the blank check.

 

'There's no charge,' she says.

 

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite

blue suit!' she says.

 

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased

gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left

yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if

she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said

it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So I just switched the heads.'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on August 15, 2008, 01:04:13 PM
Those are good WildCat!  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on August 15, 2008, 01:11:26 PM
That was sick and disgusting................and I absolutely loved it.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on August 15, 2008, 01:34:44 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on August 15, 2008, 08:14:27 PM
Loving Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5  minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a  parking ticket.
 

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man,  how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored  us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for  having worn tires.
 
So Mary called him a 0 head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
 
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 16, 2008, 02:22:26 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on August 16, 2008, 07:56:00 AM
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.  He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
 So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
 That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
 Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
 The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want  to continue?"

 The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another  year!"
 Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"


 And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on August 16, 2008, 07:16:41 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on August 17, 2008, 04:52:17 AM
I remain, giggling like a schoolgirl.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 17, 2008, 06:44:22 AM
Excellent!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 17, 2008, 06:01:03 PM
'Three Chaplains'  A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted  nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly  grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just  like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and tr action with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on August 17, 2008, 06:28:35 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on August 17, 2008, 09:59:49 PM
Yea, now that is funny  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 19, 2008, 03:52:55 AM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on August 19, 2008, 03:58:50 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 19, 2008, 11:04:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on August 19, 2008, 11:09:02 AM
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while.

When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual 0, darling'.

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual 0. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 22, 2008, 01:31:03 AM
 :D :D :D :D

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a*s and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

 

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on August 22, 2008, 02:20:04 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on August 22, 2008, 04:08:00 AM
Good one.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 26, 2008, 06:48:13 AM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on August 26, 2008, 07:38:40 AM
Good One....  ;D ;D

I was gasping just reading it!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on August 26, 2008, 01:05:12 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on August 29, 2008, 02:47:23 PM
A GOOD GOLF STORY

A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy! I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your s*x life?"

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one" The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your s*x life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your s*x life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no s*x life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father Patrick O'Malley
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on August 30, 2008, 01:09:58 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on August 30, 2008, 06:13:53 PM
THE TASER



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop thatsparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/'purse-sized tazer. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. NOTHING!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


But, If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised... AM I WRONG? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best! I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip sh*t', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little 'ole' thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and ~

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!..... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap Yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B****! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!.



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over my drooling. Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being Stupid.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on August 30, 2008, 07:16:27 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 01, 2008, 02:03:07 AM
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back.

 "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.

 The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ...."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A*SE ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER...GOT IT, A*SEHOLE?"


And they lived happily ever after.

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on September 01, 2008, 05:10:52 AM
Hmmmm..... I never got that speech.  ;D ;D ;D

Course I never got married either.   ;) :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 01, 2008, 07:37:08 AM
A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.  They had been facing
each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

 He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

 She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions."


>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'


 

------AND WHAT WERE YOUTHINKING????------

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on September 01, 2008, 08:38:34 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 01, 2008, 09:38:14 AM
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.    She saw a beautiful banquet table.    Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.    They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"    "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.


"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.   "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.    And then I won the multi-state lottery.   I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.   And my wife and I  traveled all around the world.   We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.    I fell and hit my head, and here I am.   What a   
bummer!    How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story : Never make a woman angry... there'll be Hell to pay later!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 01, 2008, 12:35:34 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on September 05, 2008, 01:28:50 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."?

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
  parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house,  and we'll put them in the cage
with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"?

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over
at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"?

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 05, 2008, 01:56:55 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: 3 some of golf
Post by: beefmann on September 06, 2008, 03:46:20 PM
One day Moses and Jesus were playing a 3 some of golf...Moses walks over puts down his t.. then places his ball on it.. takes a swing and hits the  ball towards a water trap... he lifts his club over his head  swing it  around and chants a few words  over and over as the  water  parts. Moses walks between the water hits the ball onto the  green and lands 12 feet away  from the hole. Then he walks out of the trap and taps the ball into the hole  for a par 3..

Jeasus smiles and places his t and ball ... hits the ball and it  heads towards the same  water trap... he waves his hand and speaks a few words and the ball hobers  right  above the water.. Jeasus walks towards the water  trap and across the water...takes his stance then hits the ball towards the green where it lands 1 foot away  from the hole.. where Jesus walks over and  taps it  in for a par 3 as well...

the last  guy shakes his head ... puts his t and ball down ..smacks the ball as it heads towards the same wateer trap it hits a rock at the edge of the water  bounces onto a  lily  pad at this point both Moses and Jesus start  laughing... then a bull frog jumps onto the lily pad taking the ball into its  mouth .. both moses and Jesus  are now  laughing  harder ... out  of nowhere a screach from a hawk is heard as it dives    towards the frog plucking  it off the lily  pad and over the green the hawk and frog go... just as they approach the hole  the frog squeels droping the ball in the cup for a hole in one.

Moses and  jesus stops  laughing and Moses turns to Jesus and says:


I hate playing  with your farther....
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on September 06, 2008, 08:36:46 PM
My husband is gonna love this joke!!!  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 11, 2008, 01:58:35 PM
Why
Men are Just Happier People!!

 
NICKNAMES
If
Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate
and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING
OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A
man will pay $2 for  a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A
man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Target.
The average number of items in
the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more
than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A
woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument..

CATS
Women
love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

FUTURE
A
woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING
UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in
two people remembering the same thing!!!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 11, 2008, 02:55:48 PM
Oh... That's good Wildcat!  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on September 11, 2008, 03:10:03 PM
I like it!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on September 11, 2008, 06:44:48 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on September 11, 2008, 08:02:36 PM
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have  an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  ' Hello? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.     
 
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No 


Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?'    Again the small voice  whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a  policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the  Fireman and the priest , ' came the whispered  answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A  helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
 
Again, whispering, the child  answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the  young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

' ME! '

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 11, 2008, 08:12:18 PM
Ya had me going Pens!  :D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 11, 2008, 08:26:21 PM
Child Discipline Methods


For anybody who's raised a kid:
 
Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children.  The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.
We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding  back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has a better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.

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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v158/mmike/Fishing%20Photos/kid.jpg)



 :D  :D  :D  ;D
Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 11, 2008, 08:44:11 PM
Ok... One more!

Click on this link. Turn up the volume. It's hilarious!  :D  :D  :D

http://www.glumbert.com:80/media/laugh

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on September 12, 2008, 07:39:06 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 12, 2008, 10:44:56 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on September 12, 2008, 02:56:09 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Oldman on September 16, 2008, 01:31:41 PM
SPAM... got to keep my count up....
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on September 16, 2008, 06:55:51 PM
That video totally cracked me up!!! My husband came in to the office to see what I was laughing out loud about!!! :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 16, 2008, 07:50:26 PM
LQ

Ya just can't help but laugh out loud at that guy!  ;D

It's hilarious!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on September 16, 2008, 09:20:57 PM
Mike , That tore me up !!!!!!! :D ;D :D........If I could just show that on the radio. :(



Coyote  8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on September 16, 2008, 10:09:52 PM
The Queen song made me cry I was laughing so hard!!! It as Wayne"s World!!!! Brilliant!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 17, 2008, 03:23:33 AM
Funny............. but true!

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that youHIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers.This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help..

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is..

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on September 17, 2008, 06:11:33 AM
Very true - I am attempting to reach the 60 mark now.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on September 17, 2008, 12:34:53 PM
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes You Proud To Be An American!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tiny Tim on September 17, 2008, 01:06:46 PM
Actually, I just figured it up, and I only have $1.80 left out of that $1000.

Here's how:

I buy 147 12 packs of Old Milwaukee (cheapest that I know of here in Iowa), and pay the nickel deposit on the cans, each 12 pack comes to $6.80, and I have 40 cents left over.

I go to return the cans, and decide to buy more beer, 13 more 12 packs, and have 20 cents left.

Return these cans, and decide once again to buy beer, 1 more 12 pack, and have $1.20 left.

Return these cans, and now I can't afford any more beer, so I now have $1.80...not even enough to buy one in the bar across the street.

:D :D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on September 17, 2008, 01:18:18 PM
Makes You Proud To Be An American!  ;D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on September 18, 2008, 08:35:11 AM
Olds i thought you may need this. ;D



LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS:
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
 
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
 
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
 
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
 
6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
 
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
 
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
 
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
 
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
 
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.).
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chrispy on September 18, 2008, 02:01:52 PM
nice.......

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on September 18, 2008, 09:20:30 PM
Hey Icerat4 , I made a copy of that......I'm planning ahead for my golden years now , while I'm just getting silver. ;D


Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 18, 2008, 11:40:20 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on September 19, 2008, 04:57:05 AM
 :D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on September 21, 2008, 09:59:01 AM
Subject: Fun at Retirement
 
I CAN NOT WAIT. . .
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
 days interesting.
 
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop..
I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was
 a cop writing out a parking ticket.
 
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
 break?'
 
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.'
 
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second
 ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.
 This went on for about 20 minutes.
 
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't
 care. I came downtown on the bus.
 
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.


Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on September 22, 2008, 11:46:35 PM
Mike , That was great.....I'm gonna steal that one ;D



Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on September 23, 2008, 01:56:41 AM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on September 23, 2008, 05:55:07 AM
LOL Manx.  Good one and sooooo true.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on September 23, 2008, 11:30:48 PM
Manx....That was GREAT !!! 8)



Coyote
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chrispy on September 25, 2008, 01:53:30 PM
Manx,

I think that is the best short joke I have ever heard!!!
Chrispy
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on September 25, 2008, 06:19:58 PM
And then you get married........Nevermind!  ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: hillbillysmoker on September 27, 2008, 04:36:36 PM
Borrowed from another forum...

The BBQ Song


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ubTQfr_tyY
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chrispy on September 28, 2008, 04:03:16 PM
I knew that short joke long before I was married!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Chrispy
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on September 28, 2008, 07:11:37 PM
I knew that short joke long before I was married!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Chrispy

Boy Do I ever Hope your talking about how tall you aint Chrispy or you will NEVER live that one down!! :D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: chrispy on September 29, 2008, 03:31:59 PM
ALL IN THE NAME OF GOOD HUMOR!!!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 06, 2008, 07:52:14 AM
Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!

 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ' What is Politics ? '

Dad says, ' Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government .

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future .

Now think about that and see if it makes sense. '

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents ' room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny ' s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ' Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, ' Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. '

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep 0.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: HCT on October 06, 2008, 08:34:03 AM
A young man asked a Bennington horse trader what he wanted for a mare.

“I’ll take a hundred and a half for her,” the trader said.

 “But she don’t look so good.” replied the young man.

They haggled a bit and, finally, the new owner went off with his purchase. He was back again the next day and pretty riled up.

“What’s the matter with that horse,” he demanded. “She ran me right off the road.”

“Been blind for a year,” the horse trader admitted. “Told you that she didn’t look so good.”
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 07, 2008, 02:38:58 AM
 :D :D :D

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob ifhe'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on October 07, 2008, 05:37:58 AM
LOL  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 07, 2008, 07:15:55 AM
Better Than A Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,
Was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared tea.  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,

of all things, a condom!  When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat, the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of
disease.  Do you know I haven't had the flu -
'All winter.'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 07, 2008, 08:04:50 AM
LOL gonna have to remember that  one
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 07, 2008, 09:36:46 AM
Haha! nice one Mike, here's another:

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop   
 
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends." (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/evilgrin/evilgrin0039.gif)

(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 07, 2008, 11:52:03 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 07, 2008, 12:56:42 PM
Way too funny LS!!!  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 07, 2008, 01:19:01 PM
Excellent!  :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: coyote on October 07, 2008, 10:38:08 PM
 :D :D :D That was great ! 8)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 09, 2008, 08:18:53 AM
Test Results
 
The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers,
 
'Hello.'
 
'Hello Mrs. Sanders, please.'
 
'Speaking.'
 
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
 
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
 
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
 
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: iceman on October 09, 2008, 09:14:21 AM
That sounds like my insurance company cat man.  :D ;) Good one.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 09, 2008, 11:49:12 AM
That's good Wildcat (http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) certainly made me chuckle! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-047.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on October 09, 2008, 09:08:20 PM
  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: car54 on October 15, 2008, 02:25:48 PM
A man finds a bottle with a genie inside who is willing to grant him 1 wish. The man says, "I like Hawaii but I don't like planes or boats so make a bridge from San Fransisco to Hawaii". The genie tried to challenge the man into making a more socially important wish. The man thought for a minute and asked  the genie, "Explain the feminine mind to me". The genie thinks for a couple of seconds and replies, "Do you want a 2 or 4 lane bridge."
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on October 15, 2008, 02:42:17 PM
California  vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.


The new  wine will be marketed as

PINO  MORE

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on October 15, 2008, 08:43:39 PM
You really didn't type that out did you BigRed????































Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 16, 2008, 04:45:59 AM
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
 
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
 
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
 
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
 
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human Race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
 
 
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

 
 
 
 
 



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on October 16, 2008, 07:26:22 AM
Not intended to tork off the cat lovers, But finally something fun to do with cats.

http://www.bravozulu.com/content/released/lets_play.swf
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 16, 2008, 07:46:47 AM
All right!!

175 on my 3rd try.... I'm quiting will I'm ahead!  :D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 16, 2008, 02:23:28 PM
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'good grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 16, 2008, 03:02:37 PM
That's good WildCat!  :D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 17, 2008, 01:17:11 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on October 17, 2008, 04:00:50 AM
Excellent  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on October 17, 2008, 11:06:36 AM
OLE'S BEE ACCIDENT

Ole is out on the farm plowing,plowing the back 40.  Suddenly Ole needs to take a leak.  He jumps off his tractor, drops his pants, and begins to relieve himself.  Poor Ole, doesn't realize he's peeing on a hornets nest buried in the field.

Suddenly Ole is surrounded by a swarm of angry, wet bee's and he gets stung multiple times right on his tallywacker.  By golly, this really hurts, so Ole runs like the dickens to the farm house and calls the doctor.
Ole says, 'Hey Doc, I vas just out back plowin ya know, when I had to pee and by golly I peed right on a hornets nest, and they stung me right on my tallywacker, and she burns someting terrible'.  'Vat can ya do to help me dere Doc'?

The Doctor replies, 'Well now Ole, if I was you, I'd stick my tallywacker in a bowl of warm buttermilk'.  'It should relieve the swelling and stop the burning'. That's what I'd do.'

So by now, Ole's unit is swollen up to un-believable proportions.  So he pours  himself a bowl of buttermilk and lays his wacker in the bowl.

Lena enters, and looks at Ole with his member laying in the buttermilk, she pauses for a moment, looks Ole squarely in the eye and says to him.  'Ya know dere Ole, we've been married for nearly 50 years now, and I never could figure out how you re-loaded dat ting'!

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on October 17, 2008, 01:27:29 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 19, 2008, 04:21:28 PM
Fire Fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.  The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.  The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.  'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter says with admiration.

 

'Thanks' the girl says.

 

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

 

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too - I think you could go faster.'

 

'The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 19, 2008, 05:52:54 PM
lol... lol.. that isso funny but  true with the youngsters
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on October 19, 2008, 11:30:24 PM
That's so funny Mike, almost sprayed the keyboard with my morning tea! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif) (http://www.smileygenerator.us/community/html/emoticons/spoton.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 20, 2008, 07:40:34 AM
Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep 0.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 21, 2008, 11:03:05 AM
         
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !



                         

                 

       


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ .............
I know - a little corny but it
           
Sounds to me like she's .............been ....sweeping around!!! 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on October 21, 2008, 11:08:52 AM
HeeHee!

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 21, 2008, 01:26:32 PM
lol   gonna have to share that one
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on October 21, 2008, 02:52:52 PM
Lil' Johnny:  THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they
went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies,   'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 21, 2008, 02:56:45 PM
Oh that's good Pensrock!  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 21, 2008, 03:59:10 PM
Good one Pensrock!  ;D

Here is another:

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT  GAMBLING CHIPS!!!
>
>
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO  THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN  CASINOS.
>
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME  WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE  BASKET IS PASSED.
>
> SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO  COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
>
THE  CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR  SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED  IN.
>
>
> THIS IS DONE BY THE  CHIP MONKS.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on October 21, 2008, 10:46:50 PM
the chip monks.

bahahahahahahaha

good one :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on October 21, 2008, 11:01:57 PM
(http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff162/fiddlekitten/seal.jpg)
The government today announced that it is
changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,
halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 23, 2008, 06:59:12 AM
 Did you have a blond teacher?


A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
 'Why?' asks the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie'

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 23, 2008, 08:16:16 AM
Blonde at the M & M Factory

M & M Factory  needed  help on the M&M line and they  hired in a young attrictive Blonde  Female and   trained her  for a day on safty, operations of the  M&M candy line and gave her the tour of the factory so  she  would know where  everything is and when the horn blows it is  time for breaks and  lunch...

When she was on the  line working  away her defect bin was filling 10 times faster then anyone else and she was  constantally  calling  for another .. finally her boss asked her as to why  she was  having  so many  defects... she  responded


thoes are not "M" there "W's " and as per  my  instructions im suppose to toss the  defects in the defect bin
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on October 24, 2008, 01:26:56 AM
 :D :D :D

A few "marriage" jokes.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
 
At a c*cktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by
then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they
had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll
just beat him to death '

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the
end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up.'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 24, 2008, 07:30:00 AM
 ;D ;D ;D These are great Manxman!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on October 24, 2008, 05:22:16 PM
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on October 24, 2008, 06:12:09 PM
HeeHee! I heard that one, but it seems so true...............Oh nevermind!   ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on October 24, 2008, 10:14:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 25, 2008, 07:44:02 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on October 28, 2008, 06:29:42 AM
Threesome

 

 


I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good
for a 50-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking

that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a

'Sportsman's Double?'

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was, 'my
lucky night.'

I went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, You still awake?

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: smokeitall on October 28, 2008, 06:45:40 AM
A blonde is driving down a country road when she notices another blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a farm field.

She pulls over and yells to the woman "Its blondes like you that give blondes everywhere a bad name, and if I knew how to swim I come out there and kick your ass"

 ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 28, 2008, 05:11:46 PM
 :D  :D  :D  ;D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 29, 2008, 07:17:49 AM
The Cabbie and the Nun...


A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

 She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
 
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
 
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
 
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
 
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
 
'OK' the nun says.  'Pull into the next alley.'
 

 The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
 

 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
 
'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
 
The nun says, 'That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Happy Halloween

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on October 29, 2008, 08:01:08 AM
Hee Hee  ;D  That would so be my luck!  ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 29, 2008, 11:56:32 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on October 29, 2008, 08:43:02 PM
omg  :P
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 31, 2008, 10:25:13 AM
This is Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 

Dear Granddaughter,

 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

 

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

 

“For the love of God! Go! Go! Go!   Jesus, GO!”

 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

 

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed; so, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

 

Will write again soon,

 

Love, Grandma

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on October 31, 2008, 10:27:13 AM
Here is a weird one:

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!   
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

   

 
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
 
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on October 31, 2008, 11:08:00 AM
Holy crap WildCat!

It's like I can read it without missing a beat!  ???

I don't know about "great" Mind.... Maybe "strang" mind!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on October 31, 2008, 01:02:54 PM
had to close one eye ... cover the  other and put  me ear to the  screen to read it,,,, he heh I have seen simular type of commits and it is  true al lthe  leters  have to be there  and  first and  last  have to be in the right  place to read and know the meaning


thanks for sharing
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on October 31, 2008, 10:38:43 PM
hyllo siht taht was azimnag   ??? ???
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 02, 2008, 04:03:53 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 02, 2008, 04:41:14 AM
Good one!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on November 07, 2008, 07:12:15 AM
.... And that's how the fight started....


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started....

*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how
the fight started.

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And that's how the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
*******************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....



Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 07, 2008, 07:25:53 AM
  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 10, 2008, 11:58:25 AM
Five surgeons are at a meeting:

 
The first, a Manchester surgeon, says: 'I like to see accountants on my

operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is

numbered.'


The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds:'Yeah, but you

should try  electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'


The third, a Newcastle surgeon, says: 'No, I really think

librarians are  the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'


The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in:'You know, I

like construction workers...those guys always understand

when you have a few parts left over...


But the fifth, a London surgeon, shuts them all up when he

observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to

operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,

and the head and the arse are interchangeable.

 

 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on November 10, 2008, 01:08:36 PM
 :D :D :D :D ;D

That seems to be true everywhere in the world!  ;)

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 10, 2008, 01:14:18 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) That's good Manx, and sounds right to me (http://www.smileygenerator.us/community/html/emoticons/spoton.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 10, 2008, 01:20:51 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
So very true!
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on November 10, 2008, 03:56:57 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 10, 2008, 05:32:20 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on November 10, 2008, 06:01:02 PM
  :D  :D   :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on November 10, 2008, 09:45:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Described politicians to a tee!!!  Good one Manx
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 12, 2008, 02:35:53 PM
DIVORCE - VS - MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!   You will not get any cyanide from me!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now that's a different story.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on November 12, 2008, 06:22:24 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 13, 2008, 12:02:09 AM
Haha! yeah that's good Wildcat! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Wink.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on November 14, 2008, 12:33:07 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on November 14, 2008, 07:06:29 AM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is 3:00 in the morning!'  He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on November 15, 2008, 08:05:58 PM
 

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
 

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 16, 2008, 05:47:59 AM
 ;D ;D Nice one.  Happy Thanksgiving back to ya.  ;)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 16, 2008, 05:57:58 AM
bigredsmoker & Tenpoint5  Very good, certainly gave me the giggles! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-054.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Kansan on November 16, 2008, 07:50:56 AM
This came in my email... pretty funny story

Roping A Deer
(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)
 
Actual letter from someone who farms and writes very well on the side!
 
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
 
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
 

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.  They were not having any of it.
 

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and  threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
 
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I  would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
 
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
 
That deer EXPLODED.
 
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.
 
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally  imagined.
 

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.  A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a  few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
 
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
 
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope  back.
 
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
 
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite y ou and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
 
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
 
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
 
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and  make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them  to back  down a bit so you can escape.
 
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
 
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
 
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
 
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
 
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on November 16, 2008, 08:41:07 AM
Hee Hee!  Thats a good one!  ;D  ;D  ;D

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 16, 2008, 10:02:08 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

Good one!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on November 16, 2008, 10:09:05 AM
big red and 10 5 both good  stories love them
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: West Coast Sausage Maker on November 16, 2008, 10:06:24 PM
LMAO  :)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 16, 2008, 10:54:07 PM
WCK, i was just sitting here picturing that story, very funny indeed (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-cowboy-036.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 17, 2008, 05:08:55 AM
Good one.  I can just picture that really happening.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on November 17, 2008, 07:03:16 AM
Great story.  Would make a funny video.  Thanks
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on November 17, 2008, 07:08:28 AM
  Cardiologist's  Funeral
         
        A  cardiologist died and was given an elaborate  funeral.  A  huge
        heart  covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the  service.
                       
        Following   the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled  inside.
        The  heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful  heart
         forever.
                       
        At that  point, one of the mourners burst into laught er.   When all  eyes
        stared  at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of  my  own  funeral
         ...I'm a gynecologist' 
                 
        The  proctologist fainted!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 17, 2008, 09:52:45 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on November 17, 2008, 11:06:40 AM
lol...great one 10 5
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 17, 2008, 01:15:46 PM
Here  is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of  popcorn as a   stuffing  -- imagine that.   
When I found this recipe, I thought it   was  perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell  when  poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.

8  - 15 lb. turkey
1  cup melted butter
1  cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1  cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper  to taste

Preheat  oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt,  and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in  baking  pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen  for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass  blows the oven  door open and the bird flies across the room,  it's done.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on November 18, 2008, 01:07:02 PM
It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
 
'Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
 
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."
 
I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"
 
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window
directly at the person with the mike.
 
I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the idiot in the clubhouse
kindly shut the hell  up and let me play my second shot?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on November 18, 2008, 02:43:52 PM
 :D  :D  :D  ;D

That's good SD!

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: dick621 on November 18, 2008, 03:02:42 PM
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00 .  The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.  The next day he drove up and said, 'sorry son, but I have some bad news.  The donkey died'.  Chuck replied, 'well then, just give me my money back.'  The farmer said, 'can't do that. I went and spent it already.  Chuck said, OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.  The farmer ask, what you gonna do with him?  Chuck said, I'm going to raffle him off.  The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey.  Chuck said, sure I can. Watch me.  I just won't tell anyone he's dead.

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and ask, what happened with that dead donkey?  Chuck said, I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.  The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?  Chuck said, Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his money back.
Chuck now works for the government.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: sherlock on November 19, 2008, 05:42:17 AM
Sounds fair to me.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on November 20, 2008, 11:04:57 AM
'OLD' IS WHEN ...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one . I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN ...A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police

'OLD' IS WHEN ...'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
An 'all nighters' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND, finally ...

''OLD' IS WHEN...You are not sure these are jokes ...

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on November 20, 2008, 01:55:42 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D  Sure glad to see that last line!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on November 20, 2008, 02:01:40 PM
and dont forget

old is when there is 3  things wrond  with old age...

the first is when the mind goes.....


I forgot the other two
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: aces-n-eights on November 21, 2008, 05:18:55 PM
Two older couples were spending an evening together talking and just enjoying each others company.

One fellow said to the other man, "We tried the best restaurant the other day - it was great!"

"What's the name of it?" he asked.

"Oh, help me out here... ummm ...  flower... red...  thorns..."

"The Rose?"

"That's it!  Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we tried the other day?"
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on November 21, 2008, 05:37:01 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on November 24, 2008, 08:19:39 AM

Thank you for purchasing 'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'   
 brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hils.   
 Enjoy!
 
 



1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on November 24, 2008, 08:41:45 AM
Thought for the day

I was sitting here thinking during lunch and this thought struck me ......
 
After all that time and money spent during the election what actually was the outcome? ......
 
Another black family living in government housing!

 
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on November 24, 2008, 03:22:07 PM
Funny stuff fo sure
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on November 24, 2008, 03:42:39 PM
Old Prospector


An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his
face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun
in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old
man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger

slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No, but I've always wanted
to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don 't waste ammunition.
2. Don 't mess with old people, there are reasons why they managed to get old.



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: jbollier on November 24, 2008, 04:39:02 PM
I was headed off to work last week when I stopped by the 7-11 to get a cup of coffee as is my custom when I noticed a woman sitting in her car crying uncontrollably. Naturally I was concerned because I noticed she was quite pregnant. As i drew closer to inquire what was her problem and could I help, it became apparent she was laughing not crying. My inquiry revealed she was on her way to the Dr. and needing a urine sample to take along and having nothing to urinate in she used an empty whiskey bottle she found in her house. She had stopped at the 7-11 for the same reason I had and while inside some poor SOB stole her bottle she had left on the front seat.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on November 25, 2008, 12:26:11 PM
Thanksgiving Divorce 

 
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before
Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is
enough.
 
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
 
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father
says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'
 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
  they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
 
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are
NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then,
don't do a thing.  DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay.' he says,
'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 25, 2008, 12:58:42 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: beefmann on November 25, 2008, 01:29:34 PM
that is so funny
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 27, 2008, 04:08:40 AM
This may well have been posted before, but a funny one nonetheless.  ;)

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
 

 



Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: FLBentRider on November 27, 2008, 04:50:06 AM
We had the house howling with this one..

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 27, 2008, 06:00:50 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on November 27, 2008, 06:13:58 AM

Finally Justice
 
 


One day in the future, O J Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.  Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his  fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think  I could do that all day long.'   

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. 'No, this is no good .  I've got this problem with my shoulder  I would be in constant agony if all  I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbel ief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . .













(This is priceless)     


















'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'



 :D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 27, 2008, 06:24:12 AM
Now that was good!  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on November 27, 2008, 06:24:51 AM
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "Um, how many is a Brazilian?"

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on November 28, 2008, 05:55:25 AM
Update on Cinderella

Cinderella  is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead  prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by  from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One  sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy  godmother.


Cinderella  said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these  years"? 

The  fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life  since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some  thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first  wish:


"The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to  mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond  comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The  fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do. What do you  want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail  body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I  once had."

At once,  her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for  years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have  one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella  looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you  to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
 
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his  biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so  beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.   


The  fairy godmother said,  "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new  life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few  eerie moments, Bob and  Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella  sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat  transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young  muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with  his warm breath as he whispered...

>
>
>
>
>
>


"Bet you're sorry now that you  cut my nuts off"


Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: LilSmoker on November 28, 2008, 01:51:15 PM
(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-044.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif)

Great stuff guys!, really had me laughing out loud here (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 01, 2008, 03:37:36 AM
Adverts from a local "lonely hearts" column in a Scottish newspaper.


Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble s*xpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

 

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

 

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in beer, cigarettes, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .

 

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian man lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

 

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87

 

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

 

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

 

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

 

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

 

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

 

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm



 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 01, 2008, 10:42:41 AM
An interview with World renowned health expert, Dr. Ima Nomskal......

 

Q:    I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;   is this true?

A:   Your heart is only good for so many beats,and that's it.  Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the  life  of your   car   by driving it faster.    Want to live longer?   Take a nap.   

 

 

Q:   Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A:   You must grasp logistical efficiencies.   What does a cow eat?    Hay and corn.   And what are these?   Vegetables.   So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.   

 

 

Q:   Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   

A:   No, not at all.   Wine is made from fruit.    Brandy   is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.    Beer  is also made out of grain.   Bottoms  up!   

 

Q:     How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?   

A:      Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one.   If you have two bodies,your ratio is two to one, etc.   

 

Q:   What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?   

A:    Can't think of a single one, sorry.    My philosophy is:  No Pain...Good!   

 

Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?   

A:   YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!   . . .    Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact,they're permeated in it.   How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?   

 

Q:     Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?   

A:     Definitely not!   When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.   You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach   

 

 

Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?

A:   Are you crazy?   HELLO     Cocoa beans!   Another vegetable!!!   It's the best feel-good food around!   

 

 

Q:   Is swimming good for your figure?   

A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.   

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:   

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather an attempt to skid in sideways  - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming  'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

-------------------------------------------------

And . . . . .   

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.    It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red  wine  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on December 01, 2008, 09:53:32 PM
He had to go...                     

                                                                           

 A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to                     

 university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly                 

 has squandered all of his money.                                         

                                                                           

 He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't                                 

 believe what modern education is developing.                             

                                                                           

                                                                           

 They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will                   

 teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'                                       

                                                                           

 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I                                 

 get Ol' Blue in that program?'                                           

                                                                           

 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young                         

 jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'                             

                                                                           

 So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.                               

                                                                           

 About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs               

 out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue                               

 doing, son?' his father wants to know.                                   

                                                                           

 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you                           

 just won't believe this. They've had such good                           

 results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals                 

 how to read.'                                                             

                                                                           

 'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How                             

 do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'                                     

                                                                           

 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'                           

                                                                           

 The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.                   

 At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can             

 neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives             

 home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.                   

                                                                           

 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to                                   

 talk with him, and see him read something!'                               

                                                                           

 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.                             

                                                                           

 Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,                     

 Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the                       

 recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal... Then he suddenly             

 turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing                 

 around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''                     

                                                                           

 The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that                     

 bastard before he talks to your Mother!'                                 

                                                                           

 'I sure did, Dad!'                                                       

                                                                           

 'That's my boy!'                                                           

                                                                           

 The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 02, 2008, 09:51:37 AM
 :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on December 02, 2008, 11:44:26 AM
 ;D ;D ;D   +1
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on December 03, 2008, 07:49:26 AM
GOTTA LOVE THAT NURSE


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery
the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large
black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 03, 2008, 10:19:34 AM
 :D ;D ;D  Love this one.  Wife's two sisters are nurses and I just gotta send this to them!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: ananomoly on December 04, 2008, 07:25:01 AM





 
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made
the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted
to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old men can still think fast  ;D :D
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 04, 2008, 07:32:43 AM
Good one and fast thinking!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 04, 2008, 07:34:42 AM
Some definitions -

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

17. Morbid (n.), an application for a government bail-out

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 04, 2008, 04:17:07 PM
Here is one that I got by e-mail today:


I was depressed last night so I rang a suicide hotline.  I was transferred to an

out-sourced call center in Pakistan .  I told them I was suicidal...  They got all

excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on December 04, 2008, 04:34:35 PM
 :D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on December 05, 2008, 04:27:44 PM
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anna, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anna decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anna prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anna hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anna consents for more coupl ing.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 05, 2008, 05:52:22 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D Still giggling like a school girl!
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: pensrock on December 06, 2008, 06:51:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on December 06, 2008, 04:57:52 PM
  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on December 06, 2008, 05:21:31 PM
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.
 
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
 
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
 
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
 
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and
calmly shoots him also.
 
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
 
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
 
There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
 
'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'
 

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: La Quinta on December 06, 2008, 06:23:41 PM
As I am Irish....that is classic!!!  :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on December 07, 2008, 06:11:32 PM
Hinkley to be released 

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s.  Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.  There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.  In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.  We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been humping Jodie Foster.  Thought you should know.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 07, 2008, 06:43:07 PM
I'm giggling like a gaggle of schoolgirls!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on December 07, 2008, 06:50:27 PM
How many in a "gaggle" I could not find much.

In colloquial Western Canadian English, a gaggle is an adjective describing a largely disorganized group of Jildos (another colloquial adjective describing a woman that tends to be annoying and lacking in her own individual opinions) putting forth discontent among all related fellows.

And Jildo? Interesting........
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 07, 2008, 06:53:45 PM
A gaggle describes a group.  I just chose gaggle because of it's remarkable similrity to giggle  ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 08, 2008, 01:14:58 PM
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: sherlock on December 09, 2008, 04:34:15 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
GOOD ONE
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 09, 2008, 04:46:05 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 09, 2008, 07:52:24 AM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him,
he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side ... You know what?"

      "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.

 "I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."

 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Wildcat on December 09, 2008, 09:25:55 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on December 11, 2008, 10:27:09 AM
 A blonde goes to the post office to

buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the

clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and

22 Baptists.

 

***************

 

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom

mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says

to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and

ugly. I  really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn  near

perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on December 12, 2008, 07:00:49 AM
Boudreaux enters Thibodeaux's barbershop for a shave.

While Thibodeaux is foaming him up, Boudreaux mentions the problems
he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

Thibodeaux said, "Mais, I'm got just the ting", taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place dis between your
cheek and gum."
Boudreaux places the ball in his mouth, and Thibodeaux proceeds with
the closest shave Boudreaux has ever experienced! After a few
strokes,Boudreaux asks, "Mais, what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says Thibodeaux.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."   :o
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: icerat4 on December 12, 2008, 08:50:13 AM
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

                    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

                    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

                    One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

                    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're
doing well. Only two left.'

                    Seniors - don't mess with them.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smokin Soon on December 12, 2008, 01:47:02 PM
Here's Yer Sign

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in  Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg:  We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
 and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
      **********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 12, 2008, 01:54:38 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

We have an auto body shop here in town that has a sign that reads:

We come highly wreckomended.  Always brings a giggle when I read it.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 15, 2008, 11:58:15 AM
A young blonde in Louisiana wanted to take home a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then,
maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and
get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little
lady, why don't you go-on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, h e spots

the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the
creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator
onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: manxman on December 16, 2008, 02:01:34 AM
 :D :D :D

FIRST TIME S*X
............
 
 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
 
 
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
 
 
 The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s*x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s*x. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
 
 
 The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
 
 That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
 
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
 
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
 
 
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 18, 2008, 12:53:18 PM
Never underestimate the bravery of our soldiers (Disclaimer:  I am a vet and received this via e-mail and thought it was funny):
























(http://i322.photobucket.com/albums/nn436/msovik/soldier.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 18, 2008, 04:20:52 PM
What???....... I don't get it? The guys alergic to roses or what??? ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 18, 2008, 04:21:21 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: 'Who?'

 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

 

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

 

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

 

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

 

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

 

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

 

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

 

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his g****mn widow.’

Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Consiglieri on December 18, 2008, 04:38:29 PM
One of my favorites, Red. 
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on December 21, 2008, 12:40:57 PM
Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!

 :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: westexasmoker on December 21, 2008, 01:02:54 PM
Good one Mike!

C
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 21, 2008, 06:35:52 PM
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS



1.       Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2.       Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.   It's rare...  You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3.       If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4.       As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5.       Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?



6.       Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7.       If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

 

They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8.       Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.   
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9.       Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 

10.   One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.



Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

 

"Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the  intention of arriving  safely in  an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming."WOO HOO what a ride!"


 
 Have a great holiday season
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Mr Walleye on December 23, 2008, 07:27:50 PM
Ok... You guys just have to check out this video of dog in some fresh powder snow. He's having a blast!

http://www.dogwork.com/dogsnow/

Mike
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 23, 2008, 08:26:19 PM
That's too funny Walleye. Next time I think we have a lot of snow I will watch this video to put it into perspective.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Smoking Duck on December 24, 2008, 05:07:34 AM
Great video, Mike.  I wonder where that was shot?
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: Tenpoint5 on December 24, 2008, 05:09:34 AM
And then the fight started..............




        My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

        She asked, 'What's on TV?'

        I said, 'Dust.'

        And then the fight started...

        ======================================================================

        My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

        She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
        seconds.'

        I bought her a scale.

        And then the fight started...

        ====================================================================

        When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

        someplace expensive....

        so, I took her to a gas station...

        And then the fight started....

        ====================================================================

        My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

        and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat

        alone at a nearby table.

        My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

        'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to

        drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
        hasn't been sober since.'

        'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
        celebrating
        that long?'

        And then the fight started...

        ===========================================================

        I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

        and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

        you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

        Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

        He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
        HAPPY!'

        So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

        And then the fight started...

        ========================================================================
        ====
        ===========

        THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

        When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

        that I should get it fixed.

        But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
        truck,
        the car, playing golf "

        Always something more important to me.

        Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
        home
        one day,

        I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
        pair
        of sewing scissors.

        I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I

        was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a

        toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as

        well sweep the driveway.'

        The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



        Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

        one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: 3rensho on December 24, 2008, 09:26:30 AM
Those are great 10.5.  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Love the lawn mower.
Title: Re: Funny story of the day
Post by: bigredsmoker on December 24, 2008, 12:04:57 PM
Subject: RE: Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year