BRADLEY SMOKER | "Taste the Great Outdoors"

Only a person in chicago could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a
  sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
  Escanaba, Michigan after last call the  officer noticed a
  man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could
  barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity in which  he
  tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
  to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
  left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
  switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer
  night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
  times, honked the horn and  then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
  little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
  some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking
  lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the  road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
  now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
  promptly pulled the man over and administered a
  breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
  that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the police station. This
breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
  said the truly proud Yooper.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."    :D :D :D ;D ;)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Funny-Above.gif) Nice 1 Rat!  ;D ;)

Funny but oh so true rat. I don't know how true it is but one of the gals at work said something like that was actually on the front page of the paper a few years ago in Wasilla, AK. Cracks me up! ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

Thanks for sharing rat....Tommorrow I'll share with thousands :D ;D ;) See ya on the radio 8)

I have one for ya.

This happend in the town of Lititz Pa where my wife grew up at.

Early morning a patrol car was going up main st when he passed an Amish horse and buggy walking slow going down main st. The police officer noticed no person at the reins of the buggy. He turned around got next to the buggy and still nobody. He then got his car in front of the horse to stop him. Upon getting to the buggy he seen a young Amish guy passed out in back drunk. The horse was just going home on his daily rt.  ;D  ;D

Too funny, just a couple years ago.

nepas

I suspect he didn't get a ticket for drunk driving since he wasn't driving.  Gee, that autopilot is awsome.  Can't make them like that anymore. ;D :D ;)

They didnt ticket him. They knew him and had another officer guide the horse home  ;D

nepas

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of
> boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
> instantly removed.
>
> 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
> timer.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
> rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
> afraid to cough.
>
> 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
> all about the toothache.
>
> 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
> You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
> should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
> 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
>
> If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
>
> And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
> you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>
> Some people are like Slinky's.....They are not really good foranything, but.....
> They still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
> stairs.
>

Haha! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-037.gif)

Hey i got one!, here goes:

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28 ) was
having trouble with one of her
students the teacher asked,"Boy what is your
problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the
first-grade.My sister is in the third-
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took boy to
the principal's office.

While boy waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms
Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third-grade should
know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"
The principal and boy, both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have
four of that I have only two of?

Boy... after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants
that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and
ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink
then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was
taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing
up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and
before
he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am
I" sort
of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside
me.You tie me down to get me up. I get wet
before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You
fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man
always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When
I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and
excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to
use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men
have one of it's longer on some men than on
others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to
his wife after they're married?

Boy.: Surname

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no
bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like
pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy.: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this boy to College, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself!"



:-[ :P ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

I agree with the principal  :D

A story for both sides of the pond

A couple celebrating 60 years of marriage decided to leave their sleepy little village called Lakenheath on the east coast of England and do a lifetime adventure driving West to East coast USA. Off they set and after visiting Las Vegas they headed on East and after miles of nothingness started to worry about getting fuel. On the outskirts of a small town there stood a lone filling station. In they pulled to be met by the owner of equal age.
Howdy what can I do for you?
Fill her up with petrol replied the Englishman
Hey what part of the world are you guys from? in this country we call it Gas
The old English girl was quite deaf and asked her husband what did he say? repeating herself what did he say?
He said they call it gas here not petrol
The garage owner then asked could he check the oil?
The old man replied Please I'll open the bonnet
Naw in this country we call it the hood
What did he say? what did he say?
He said over here its called the hood not the bonnet
The garage owner then asked if there was anything needing doing?
Yes please was the reply Could you please give the windscreen a wipe over
Windscreen is it over here we say its the windshield
What did he say? what did he say?
He said it's called a windshield not windscreen
Anyways says the garage owner that'll be $57
Oh said the Englishman my wallet is in the boot
Naw man over here we say my purse is in the trunk
What did he say? what did he say?
He says they call a wallet a purse and the boot the trunk
Well after it was all settled the garge owner brought the change out and asked where in the UK did they come from?
Oh we come from a place called Lakenheath
What did he say - what did he say
He wants to know where we come from
The garage owner then says he had been in the USAF and had spent 10 months on a posting to the UK based at RAF Lakenheath, and where he had met this young girl who turned out to be the worst love-maker he had ever met.
What did he say - what did he say
He thinks he knows you ;)

Hahaha, good ones Rat, LS and BB.  :D :D :D :D :D :D

 :D :D :D :D :D

Why do I pay a prep service ??? ???.........Good stuff guys , Coyote

Haha! nice 1 Boybach!  ;D ;)

Susie Lee, done fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all , she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon your Ma don't know, but Joe is your have brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will .
But after telling Pappy this , he said there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my Susie Gal, and please don't tell your mother.
But Will and Joe...and several mo', I know is your half brother.

But Mamma knew and said, my child, Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe , 'cause you aint no kin to Pappy


                                                    Coyote ;D
                             

Great 1 Coyote
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
BB

  :D  :D  :D

                   The WASH CLOTH
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!) I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early One morning, I received A call from the doctor's office to tell me there was A cancellation and The 9:30am appointment was available.  I took it. I had Only just packed Everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't Have Any time To spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when Making such visits, But this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full Effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was Sitting next to The sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to Make Sure I was at least  Presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes Basket, donned some  Clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the  Procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked Over at the other  Side of the room and pretended that I  Was in Paris or some  Other such glamorous Place a million miles away.  I was a little surprise When the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra  Effort this morning,  Haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of Relief and went home. The rest Of the Day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.  After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out  From the  Bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"   I told her to get another one from the cupboard.  She replied,  "No!!!". Now wait for it......., this is too funny not to be true!! She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all  My glitter And sparkles saved inside it."

Now thats funny....love it when the gals go that extra mile..... ;D


Here ya go..

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
>> engineer are walking together one day.
>> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
>>
>>
>> "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the
>> Genie.
>>
>>
>> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
>> also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "
>>
>>
>> Pooooof!
>> With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
>> fertile for farming.
>>
>>
>> Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall
>> around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside
>> and all Jews, Americans,and other infidel forever outside our precious
>> state.
>>
>>
>> "Pooooof!
>> Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
>> those countries..
>>
>>
>> The American engineer asks, "I am very curious.
>> Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's
>> 200 feet high, 100 feet thick and completely surrounds these
>> countries........it's virtually impenetrable.
>> Now what is your wish?"
>>
>>
>> The American engineer smiles and says,
>> "Fill it with water."
>>
>>
>> Pooooof!
>> WORLD PEACE
>>
>


OR this one


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
     
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.  "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.  As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.  He realized he'd left his gun at home and
so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting
rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?" asked the
doctor.   

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver." 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.




edit...spelling

  :D  :D :D Pretty Good!

 :D ;D :o

 Haha! keep em coming i say!  ;D ;)

 ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

Another.........

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."  ;D

Two Ladies talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! 'My name is Wanda.'
2nd woman: Hi! 'I'm Sylvia.  How did you die?'
1st woman: 'I froze to death.'
2nd woman: 'How horrible!'
1st woman: 'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'

2nd woman: 'I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my 
husband  was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, 
I  found him all by himself watching TV.'


1st woman: 'So, what happened?'

2nd woman: 'I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere,
that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the
attic, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked 
everywhere,  and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.'

1st woman: 'Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be 
alive.'

 ;D

An elderly gentle man was in to see the doctor.  The doctor asked him how things were going.  He said pretty well except he was having problems making love.  The doctor ask him to schedule an appointment next week and he would take a closer look.  The next week the elderly gentle man showed up with a lady and the doctor asked a few questions and the couple proceeded to show him how they made love.  After they finished the doctor said he didn't really see any thing wrong and was perplexed as to what the elderly gentle man was concerned with.  After several months of weekly visits to the doctors office by the couple, the doctor was totaly confused and told the elderly gentleman that there was he was unable to find anything wrong and appologized for not being any help.  The elderly gentleman said "quite on the contrary doc, you have helped us tremendously".  Now the doc was totaly dumb founded and asked "how is that?".  The gentleman explained, well doc, my mistress and I can't go to my house to make love as my wife will find out.  We can't go to my mistress' house as her kids are there.  The Hotel charges $80 dollars a night, with medicare, you only charge us $10.  I save $70 dollars and at my age, if I have a medical condition during this physical exertion, you are right there to provide emergency services.  That peace of mind and the savings has helped tremendously.

 ;D :) AARP ::)

 ;D ;D ;D Another............


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

'Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??' demanded the Grand Emir.

'One thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,' stammered the wretched Abdul, 'white man sit on well.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  OK, now my side hurts guys!

Hey Lilsmoker , That will be on the air come Monday.....Thanks ! :D ;D ;D

Quote from: coyote on April 07, 2007, 08:22:23 PM
Hey Lilsmoker , That will be on the air come Monday.....Thanks ! :D ;D ;D

Nice coyote, i bet you have a lot of fun at the radio station, i know it's an important job, but sounds like you have a great time over there  ;D (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

I really do Lilsmoker. It's a lot like this forum. It's the folks you get to meet and talk to that make
every day brand new , even when you do it every day. I love it. There are people I have talk to
on the phone a couple times a week , but have never seen. But it feels like old friend , their kids
and all. A lot of sharing. Very , very cool. 8)

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind.


The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-cowboy-036.gif)

Nice one Icerat ;D ;D

Master of the House

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,"Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman.

""Oh yeah?" Charlie said.  "Any how did this one end?

""When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

""Really?  Now that's a switch!  What did she say?

"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-0."

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Banners/Funny-Post.gif)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Score-101010.gif)

Now that has on-air quality :D ;D :D...Thanks,
                                                     Coyote

Not so much a funny story as a few funny anecdotes..... unless you are afraid of flying!!

Subject: FW: Qantas - how to fly by the seat of your pants

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in c0ckpit.

S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in c0ckpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

So next time you take a flight think of this!!  ;) :D

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to
him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her so...he
says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

>

>

>

>

>



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

That is halarious ! :D :D :D I can't wait to tell it to someone. Thanks Manxman 8)

Coyote

 :D  :D  :D Whewww  :D

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Big-Smile.gif)  Nice one.  Wife liked it as well - being a math teacher and all.

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) That's a goodun Manx! (http://www.smileyhut.com/excited/clap.gif)

Cajun,
Thought you'd get a kick out of this one and maybe NePa can use it on his next job interview.


Cajun Math Test......  my kind of test!  :-)

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.


"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."


The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree.  Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.  So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which
makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

 :D ;D Great story Gizmo............I get great material here. ;D

Station have an internet broadcast link ?

We did but new regulations called for double writer royalties. Just like having two stations. So that killed
the internet broadcast. :(
                                                   Coyote

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later,"
Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."A few more moments, "The Coopers are having SX !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed !

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having SX ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, TOO."

Subject: Baseball in Heaven


Two 90  year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When  it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every  day. One day
Moe  says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives,  and we played
minor  league ball together for so many years. Please do  me one favor,
when  you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if  there's
baseball  there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death  bed," Moe, you've been  my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do  this  favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes  on.

At  midnight a  couple of nights later,  Moe is awakened from a sound
sleep by a  blinding flash of white light and a voice  calling out to him,

"  Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up  suddenly. "Who is  it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just  died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"  insists the  voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I  have  some really good news and a little
bad news."

"Tell me  the good news first," says  Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is  that  there's baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies  who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always spring
time and it never rains or snows. And best  of all, we can play baseball
all we want, and we never get  tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's  beyond my wildest  dreams!"

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching  Tuesday."

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get
ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , youplay, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

funny story.  works great untill you hit the check point.

 ;D

Lesson to be learnt here particularly those who spend a good deal of time in shorts!!

Story in a local paper:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Liverpool Echo comes this story of a Merseyside couple who drove their car to the local supermarket, only to have the car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and was surprised to find herself herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by..... also in shorts but with his manhood firmly under cover.

The motor mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and broke his nose due to involuntarily head butting the underside of the car on having his "tackle" grabbed..

Yes indeed Manx! One should always make sure you are grabbing the lures from the tackle box that belongs to you and not someone else!  (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Feelings/NudgeNudge.gif)  (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Feelings/Green.gif)

Good one!

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) That is funny Manx (http://www.smileyhut.com/excited/clap.gif)

Gotta Love Old Men
>>>>> >>
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>> >>
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in
your life?"
>>>>> >>
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son ??."

.....A young man was sitting next to an elderly lady at the city park tennis courts , between games. He noticed
the lady was really giving him a going over , looking him up and down and making him quite nervous.
Finally she said to him , "young man , excuse me for being rude but what in the world is that big bulge
in your pants" ?.He replied "tennis balls"."... Oh my" :o she exclaimed , "you poor dear , I had tennis elbow
once............but that has to hurt like hell" !!!!!!!!!!! ;)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/ROFL.gif) Yeah i like it! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Funny-Above.gif)

 ;D ;D

Did I ever tell you guys how much I hate long lengthy ready jokes ? well sorry but some just need to be told .... bear with it I am sure you will enjoy
Mrs. Smith

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the batht ub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
moth er was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."


"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."  ;D




Mrs. Smith fainted

A 2006 study by Texas A&M University  found that the average American
> walks about 900 miles per year.
>  >
> Another study by the American Beer Institute found that  Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer each year.
> >
> That means, on average, Americans get  approximately 41 miles per gallon.
>
> Not bad!     ;D ;D ;D

Ran across this one recently.  You need to be sober when you read it, lol.  The subject was BAR STOOL ECONOMICS

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.  The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.  "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men - the paying customers?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.  So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free.  But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.  "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.  "We didn't get anything at all.  The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.  They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.  The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R.  Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics University of Georgia                                                                  For those who understand, no explanation is needed.  For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

The Facelift:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was."

"What is it?" she asks.

He replies, "It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay, that's enough already. How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

" That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) well guys for those.......(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Score-101010.gif)

Wildcat, that is probably the best description of our tax plan that I have ever read.   :D  Well stated story.  ;D

 :D :D I love this place. :D :D

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder".

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid  the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

(Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans....)

Alice and Frank were Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business
in Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they need: a  tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc..

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such
a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank
notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't
able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time,
she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and
is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and
says, "What happened?  Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd!....What the f*ck is a piñata?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Crowd-Grin.gif) Nice one!

 :o :D :D I love this place..............I'm using that Ratman.............very  8) and so damn funny !!!!



Coyote

 Great subject. I work in the auto industry and we found out yesterday our plant will be closing in 2 1/2 years. (and only a few lucky people will be be around when that happens.) So I printed a few of the jokes and passed them around most people needed a few laughs. Thanks.


Sue

Be Very Quiet........

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back
to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough
when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak
started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat
them here or take them with us?'

"Well, I guess I just panicked.

TOMMOROW IS MONDAY NOW THATS NOT FUNNY  :'( :'(

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little
old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a
little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico
with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand
sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile........
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing.........


"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!!!!

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

> Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread &
> beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
>
> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
> cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
>
> One of the hillbillies looks at her and yells, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
> shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue &
> shakes her head no.
>
> The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
> yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
> his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
> obstruction flies out of her mouth.
>
> As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
> but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Ed was in trouble.   :-[

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 160 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box, gift wrapped, in the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened it.

In it she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed are scheduled for Friday   :(

Nice one ;D ;D

Will I Live To Be 80?


I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for
my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a crap."

It's like very cool bedtime stories 8)............................Now where's my bottle ???.... ;D

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
>> co- worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows
>> his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
>> and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
>>
>> The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
>> were into earrings."  "Don't make such a big deal,
>> it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
>>
>> His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
>> his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have
>> you been wearing one?"
>>
>> "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

If I keep reading this thread I'm going to have to have my ribs taped up.  LMAO  These are GREAT posts.

Tom

The priest and the rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding
and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Great thread!!! Laughed out loud for the hind lick maneuver.

Hey LilSmoker ,  :D :D :D You'll be on the air this week. ;D

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked  Luigi,

On his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried  to treat-a her
well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a  dat I took
her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a  get her."

Chelsea Clinton while working on her masters had to do some reporting for the college paper. She decided
to interview a student that had just finished a 13 month tour in Iraq in the Army. Chelsea started the
interview by asking " after being in such a dangerous place for so long , what are your three greatest
fears for America, and rate them"?............He responded " #3 Osahma...#2 Obama...#1 and yo mamma !"

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Grin-Nod.gif)

Ya like that one huh old man.Too funny ;D ;D ;D

Short and true coyote. :)

Hmmmm, apply to anyone?  :P

(http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070602/scrbal070602.gif)

(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Grin-Nod.gif) Yeah nice one coyote! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

HCT: That cartoon reminds me of a neighbour where i used to live (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/2Thumbs.gif)

The Jumper

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 21:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 22:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Bob took the money...

 :D :D :D

 :D Love the blond jokes.

 ;) :D 8) Good Lilsmoker

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Thats-Funneh.gif)

Hey LS
Great one - made me belly laugh ;D ;D

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development, a green spot on the inside of each thigh.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'

(http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Grin-Nod.gif)

A woman with fresh tattoos was at a party and was really proud of her new art work. After bragging about
them all evening and enjoying a few adult beverages from Sparklers cooler(couldn't resist ;D)She just had to start showing them off. Being an old time country music fan she had Conway Twitty on the inside of
one thigh and Porter Wagoner on the inside of the other...Well she took a seat and up came her skirt. :o
She ask one of the onlookers which one they liked best.....Conway on the left or Porter on the right ?
The guy said , well they're both pretty good,but that one in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson.

 :D :D :D

"Apple Computer announced  today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music  in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on  size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

 ;D Now that is my kind of pillow!  :D  ;D

 ;D ;D BOOM BOOM  ;D ;D

Apple must know me well I guess Manx. Don't let Ann see this one or I'm in trouble (again) ::) :D

Nice one.

I know there was a reason I always liked listening to music when I go to bed. ;D

Great one Manx  :D I guess the ones that play Dolly Parton"s music may cost a little extra. ;D



Coyote

IDIOT SIGHTING:
>I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
>one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on
>the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
>Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
>"Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than
>1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used
>Sears repair since.

Wasilla, Alaska
 
              A guy from Wasilla passed away and left his entire
              estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              How do you know when you're staying in a Wasilla hotel?
              When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my
              sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              How can you tell if a Wasilla redneck is married?
              There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
              pickup truck.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking
              age in Wasilla to 32?
              It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Wasilla?
              Documentaries.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

              Where was the toothbrush invented?
              Wasilla. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
              would have been called a teeth brush.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A Wasilla State trooper pulls over a pickup on the Glen
              and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
              and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Did you hear about the $3 million Wasilla Lottery?
              The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              The governor's mansion in Wasilla burned down!
              Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
              library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and
              he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A new law was recently passed in Wasilla. When a couple
              gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A guy walks into a bar in Wasilla and orders a mudslide.
              The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
              'round here are ya?
              "No," replies the man, "I'm from Anchorage".
              The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya
              do in Anchorage?"
              "I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
              The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
              in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
              "The man says,"I mount animals".
              The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
              bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 ;D  Sounds like some of the rednecks just a little north of us!  That is up by the way!  ;D

Oh Hell Yes !!! :D :D Funny stuff Iceman. Thanks for the material ;D

real rednecks
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/hmsecurity.jpg)

(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/caralarm.jpg)

Hey, the security sysem looks like my place. :D :D :D

Quote from: HCT on June 14, 2007, 02:46:34 AM
Hey, the security sysem looks like my place. :D :D :D

AWH SHOOT man I got a highrise de lux place
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/deerstand.jpg)

WITH A OUTDOOR GRILL
(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p200/Jones165/red%20necks/rngrill.jpg)
ROFLMAO  ;D

Great idea.  Camper/home, high and dry, doubles as a deer stand.  Hard to beat.  Grill looks relatively inexpensive and has large capacity to boot.  Probably do a whole hog in it.  Need to figure out a rotisserie.

Very observant Wildcat, some one took the wheels off the rotisserie.

Wal-Mart APPLICATION .........


This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .

They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:   1:30-3:30 p.m.  Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!   
                            On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 :D Gotta remember this one in case I decide to get another job in the future Not!  ;D

Hey Cat, keep in mind he was 74 and probily didn't care if he got job or not. Shoot I just hope I'm that share at 74 lol

I am not that old, but if I ever did apply for a job I would not care either.  I retired October 1, 2006 and still have NO desire to get another job.  I worked for 36 years to enjoy my retirement and that is what I am going to do.  ;)

 Birds

      Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle
waited at the nest for Mary his darlin of 10 glorious years.He went looking
and found her.She had been shot. Dead!
       Harry was devastated.After about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the
feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
       He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was
OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!I am a DOVE
I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of

the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.He found a very sexy LOON and
brought her back to the nest,again the sex was great ,but all the LOON would

say is ,I am a LOON,I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads,out
with the LOON.

     Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great,but
all the DUCK would say was...well ..... you know ......

       No ...... the DUCK didn`t say THAT!!!!!  What an awful thing to
think!

   The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !

Cute

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. The usual story......"I promise!" and all that!

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down WAY too easy. Around 3 in the morning and a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed )....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her "midnight"!

She didn't seem p*ssed off at all..... hey, got away with that one!

Then she said, "There is somthing wrong with the cuckoo clock, we need a new one."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh sh*t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f*rted!!!

This is a good place for me to join the thread to laugh at a joke.  Good one, Manx.

 :D  :D  :D  Laughed out Loud! Great story!  :D  :D  :D

Very funny story Manx.  My wife cracked up  ;D ;D ;D

Great one Manx..............Sounds like the story of my life in rewind.............Still laughing ! :D ;D 8)




Coyote

 ;D  ;D I hope she took a photo of you when she told you all that and post it on here.  :D  ;D

hahahahaha awh man? let me know how much the NEW grand farther oops I mean Father clock cost. ROFLMAO

After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Steve, wake up you drunken bastard, you're 0tin' in the bed!

LOL

That was great TT. :D :D :D :D

Not sure this is funny or true - from an email i recd.  I think it is pretty close.

>> >>(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
>> >>
>> >>(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
>> >>
>> >>(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.
>> >>
>> >>====================================================================
>> >>
>> >>Now think about this: Guns:
>> >>
>> >>(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
>> >>
>> >>(Yes, that's 80 million..)
>> >>
>> >>(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
>> >>1,500.
>> >>
>> >>(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of FBI
>> >>
>> >>So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more
>> dangerous
>> >>than gun owners.
>> >>
>> >>Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
>> >>
>> >>FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
>> >>DOCTOR.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
>> doctors
>> >>before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>> >>
>> >>Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the
>> statistics
>> >>on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
>> >>medical attention.

man i never thought just how much stuff there is ?


>> How to Make a Woman Happy
>>
>> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
>> 1 A friend
>> 2. A companion
>> 3. A lover
>> 4. A brother
>> 5 . A father
>> 6. A master
>> 7. A chef
>> 8. An electrician
>> 9. A carpenter
>> 10. A plumber
>> 11. A mechanic
>> 12. A decorator
>> 13. A stylist
>> 14. A sexologist
>> 15. A gynecologist
>> 16. A psychologist
>> 17. A pest exterminator
>> 18. A psychiatrist
>> 19. A healer
>> 20. A good listener
>> 21. An organizer
>> 22. A good father
>> 23. Very clean
>> 24. Sympathetic
>> 25. Athletic
>> 26. Warm
>> 27. Attentive
>> 28. Gallant
>> 29. Intelligent
>> 30. Funny
>> 31. Creative
>> 32. Tender
>> 33. Strong
>> 34. Understanding
>> 35. Tolerant
>> 36. Prudent
>> 37. Ambitious
>> 38. Capable
>> 39. Courageous
>> 40. Determined
>> 41. True
>> 42. Dependable
>> 43. Passionate
>> 44. Compassionate
>>
>> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>> 45. Give her compliments regularly
>> 46. Love shopping
>> 47. Be honest
>> 48. Be very rich
>> 49. Not stress her out
>> 50. Not look at other girls
>>
>> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>> 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>> 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>> 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
>>
>> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>> 54. Never to forget:
>> * birthdays
>> * anniversaries
>> * arrangements she makes
>>
>> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>> 1. Show up naked
>> 2. Bring food, beer, and smile.

Exchanges between pilots and control towers, apologies for occasional political incorrectness!!


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

 
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa  (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."   

 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:  " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206!  Clear of active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:  "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:  "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):  "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 :D  :D Good stuff manx  8)

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ...... a different point of view.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain.., Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoo what a ride".

THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, MAKE THE BEST OF IT, AND ENJOY IT.

Bono Vox, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being "socially aware." He was playing a
concert in Glasgow when he asked the audience for total quiet. In the
silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.......once every few
seconds. With the audience totally silent, he then said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From
near the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Scottish accent
pierced the silence: "Well, fookin' stop clappin' then!"

too too funny, cracks me up....ROFLMAO

Subject: MEN.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J  This is my all-time favorite!!!! J


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ."HEBREWS"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Those are good.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Good ones!  :D :D :D

Reminds me  8)

The Haircut (Women's Version)

Ashley:    Beth!  Did you get a haircut????  It's sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth:       Really?  Do you really think so?  I don't like it very much.
Ashley:    I love it!!!  I love the way it frames your face and sets off your figure.
Beth:       I think it makes me look fat.
Ashley:    No, girl ... you aren't fat!  I would *die* to have your waist.  I mean, my butt is so big, I can't fit into my jeans.
Beth:       Oh, your butt is OK.  At least you have great-looking toes.  I hate my toes ... they look gross, especially in my open-toe pumps.
Ashley:    But, your legs are awesome.  You can get away with wearing any type of shoe.  I am thinking of switching to army boots.
Beth:       You would sooooo look gorgeous in dark green, it would match your eyes.
Ashley:    You think so?  I have always thought my eyes would go better with brown.
Beth:        No ... I really think green ... I have always wanted your eyes.


The Haircut (Men's Version)
Allen:     Hey, Bob ... get a haircut?
Bob:       Yep.

hahahahahaha--why do I think of TOOL TIME when I read that?

well here's mine, I was whinning about the coast of wood pucks durring frathers day weekend. so wifie ordered pucks w/o me knowing...low and behold the same day ( monday after F's day) I ordered 3 x 120 pucks as did she so now I got enough pucks to smoke a pig farm. jeeze louise. WHAT A GURL I love I do

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move
the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the
miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid
of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

When you click on this link move your mouse around inside the circle and
click.

http://www.1-click.jp

That is great!!  I always wondered why my screen sometimes smells like the inside of a locker room when I've been active with the mouse.  ;D ;D ;D Thanks for the post.

Tom

 Hollywood Squares
>>   If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
>> may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
>> from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
>> spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the
>> host asking the questions, of course.
>>
>> Q. Do female frogs croak?
>> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>> 
>> Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
>> high should you be?
>> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>>
>> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
>> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>>
>> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
>> or a woman?
>> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>> !
>> Q According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>> you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
>> if he's married?
>> A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
>> 
>> Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
>> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>>
>> Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
>> You"?
>> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>>
>> Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
>> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
>> apartment.
>>
>> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
>> hands while talking?
>> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
>> I'll give you a gesture you' l  never forget.

Great stuff guys! :D 8)

Love it WCK! :D

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."      (http://www.smileypad.com/v224/Happy/Big-Smile.gif)
 

  :D  :D  :D True bliss  ;D

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You  juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...


>

>

>

>

>

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa??

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Way to funny Manx!!!!! ;D ;D

>         George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
>
>
>
>
>
>         Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we
> use.....
>         The best way to stop using so much gas is to
> deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
>         That would be 11 million less people using
> our gas. The price of gas would come down.....
>
>
>         Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the
> Border....
>         When they catch an illegal immigrant
> crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and
> some ammo and ship him to Iraq ....
>         Tell him if he wants to come to America then
> he must serve a tour in the military.....
>         Give him a soldier's pay while he's there
> and tax him on it.....
>         After his tour, he will be allowed to become
> a citizen since he defended this country......
>         He will also be registered to be taxed and
> be a legal patriot......
>         This option will probably deter illegal
> immigration and provide a solution for the troops in
> Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
> themselves......
>         If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq
> anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....
>         Problem solved.....
>
>
>
>         If you think this is a good solution to both
> the problems, forward it to your
> friends.............
>
>
>
>         I just did..........
>
>
>
>         George Carlin 
>               
>       
>

ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a therapist.  Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese therapist, Dr Chang.  So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."  Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."  So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your problem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied:  "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary  same as other end.

Great one Manxman !!! :D :D..................Iceman.....you really do know  8)




Coyote

Hahaha..... nice one Pat.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Woman was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.  Her husband walked in and she turned and said,  "You've got to make love to me this very minute."

His eyes lit up and he thought,  "Hey, this is my lucky day, she must think I'm soooo s*xy."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all.........right there on the kitchen table.  Afterwards she said,  "Thanks,"  and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Ah", she explained,  "The egg timer's  broken."

All my favorites, especially Mr. Zachory and the numbaa 69.

And Manx: quit talking to my wife! ;)

QuoteAnd Manx: quit talking to my wife!

Hahaha......  :D :D :D :D

It's Saturday night and Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world.

So he throws on his cape and heads off to a party. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite.
To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked in her bed, lying spread eagle on her back.

Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it."

So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out.

At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?"

"No," replies the Invisible Man, "but my butt is killing me.
;D

 :D  :D  :D Headgames that is horrible  :D  :D  :D sick, sick  :D :D :D

Sick but FUNNY!!!!  :D :D :D

hmmmmmmmmm  well  there are 2 types of jokes .......... clean jokes .... and good jokes ......

What is the difference between a 18 year old prostitute . and a 60 year old prostitute ...............

one uses  KY ....... the other  POLYGRIP ................ :o



If I pushed the envelope of acceptable jokes too far let me know . ;D

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"



Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.



"Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."



Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.



"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.



Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.



"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.



The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,



.

..
...
....
.....
......
.......
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Great one Wildcat :D..........Quit pickin' on us West Virginians :o

                                                                                                                                                                                         


                                                            "Cajun "Millionaire"
Boudreaux and his wife of 5 years Doris are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to fool around?"
"No." She answered.
He then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
Then Boudreaux said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing he can remember.

                                               Old Man On A Moped
Doctor buys a new Ferrari GTO, the most expensive car in the world, and it costs $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his he ad in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right..but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."   

Ya got me, Cajun. Loved it.

Got me too!  ;D

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire shopping-list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her all over.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,................ 

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

So that's how it happens. :D :D :D


(http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070717/scrbal070717.gif)

To funny Manx :D :D :D

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif) That's another goodun Manx (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A MINNESOTA PUBLIC RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42, 500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It's mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on
the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They
decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the
ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite
with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid
they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the
fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the
following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with
a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as
possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the
dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the
stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits
the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on
the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite
under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet
to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks lived in the
South.

Ha, gotta love that one. Thanx rat. :D

The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day
she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of  your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle
of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had  been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"    Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,

"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif)

You are a rascal Mr. Rat! (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men
were considered some of the world's most successful
of their days.

Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.

Haha...... you are on a roll rat!!  ;) :D

All good ones.  ;D

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.


However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."


The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."


So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"


No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate s*x for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>


Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Ain't it the truth. :D :D :D

That one i like. GOOD ONE. ;D ;D ;D

I resemble that one Manx. Geez guys, I'm just kidding. Don't tell Ann I said that. :o :D ;D

 ;D I am a bit slow here, i was wondering why this thread went on and on and on...LOL, guess i have some catchin up to do...  ;D

I had no idea but it sure seems to be true. 

(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k18/WCK_02/BuffaloTheory.jpg)

Makes sense to me. :D

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns .
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the
doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, It'll keep the sheets off his legs.

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to
do the same to her right thigh.  ;D

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are
you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Hahaha.......... you just beat me to it headgames, I was about to post the same joke. It must be doing the email rounds on both sides of the pond!  ;) :D

Subject: Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize tru e human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"  Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smi le, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a sm all tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give a way their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base . He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled..

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him b y turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, w ere on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chance s are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day
---------------------------------------------------

QuoteWould you have made the same choice?

Yes.... IMHO there are no losers in this story.

Iceman
We often hear quoted the line "man's inhumanity to man" your story today was a rare glimpse of man's humanity and humility. I am proud to send your story on to all of my friends in its entirety and at the same time thanking God for our blessings
Boybach

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.



The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."



The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

:D  :D  :D :D
yeah

nepas

  A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support    payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti !! Two with  meatballs, one without!  Request bread immediately..."

 :D :D :D

Atsa justa likea good Italiano boy. :D :D :D

Thats funny wilddog.real funny ;D ;D

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif) Nice 1 Wildcat, i love this thread (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-047.gif) (http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)

Great joke Wildcat. :D


THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said ,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


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Always keep your condoms in your car!

Nice one.  One would have to decide whether he/she was truely in love enough to get married.  Now, one has to worry about all the in-laws in the future.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 ;D  Quick - go save the smoker!  ;D

That's funny Manx (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif)

Good one Rat! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif)


Oh btw have you ever wondered?

(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/thatwasntchicken.jpg)



(http://www.emotipad.com/newemoticons/Wink.gif)

May not be funny but a good read anyway.

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached.

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn' t have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping! the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Quotebut a good read anyway.

Definately.  :)

Great read Wildcat. Thanks. Made me smile today. ;D

Two aliens landed in the USA desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien told him, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the c*cky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his p*nis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Great one Manx  ;D ;D ;D  That is sound advice indeed!!!!

Tom

 ;D Yeah, I would not mess with him either!  ;D

 :D :D :D

I do think the alien just got "HOSED". :D ;)

QuoteI do think the alien just got "HOSED".

:D :D :D

Scrabble:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

 ;D

Cowboy Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.


He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over "Nope."


Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"




Bessie looks up and says, " Roy , what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."


Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"




To which Bessie replies,

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Shoulda bought a hat, Roy , shoulda bought a hat"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Or at least a tie! :D :D :D

Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. the
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!! The
woman is amazed!!!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!!! The woman sleeps
soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into
the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances down
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and
as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to
his Dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't
know where we were......Or what we did.. But, by God... We took
First and Second place!!!

Naw - she wouldn't!?  ??? ::)

How many people can relate to this scenario!!:


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my effing
fault."

Good one Manxman.  That woman is right on the money!!  ;D ;D

tom

Oh how true it is Manx :D ;D ;)

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important.

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent workers. He decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came to work the next morning with a horrible hangover from partying most of the night before. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never needed to do this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she said... "I feel like crap !

 :D :D :D

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for us. How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent .

Click on the link below and you will find out. Slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Follow this link and find out the truth

http://www.1-click.jp/

Hey mws I think that was me with the bald head in back :D ;D

Subject:  Would you marry again.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "YIKES."

NOTE: He did survive but made the New England Medical Journal front page.

Oops!  ;D

 An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather hesitantly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his
glasses, he quietly asked, "Is that one word or two?"

 :D :D

Excellent one  ;D ;D. 

Good one Manx.  :D

Finally , an answer to a long ask question. Why do divorces cost so much ?


Because they're worth it !!!!!!! :o

WHY PARENTS DRINK!!!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.  Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him ?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"  "Yes ."

"May I talk with her?"  Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy   ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

Goldilocks & Three Bears

Baby bear goes downstairs, and sits in his small chair at the big table.  He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty."Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last nightand put everything away. It
was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who
walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and
refilled their water. "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence.

Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.........

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska .  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."  The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Nebraska . We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"  The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

"Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

All good ones manxman!  ;D ;D ;D

Haha! i love this thread especially for the "feel good" factor ;D, here's another:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted!

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS..... Sure is freaking hot down here!

:o ;D ;)

Hahaha................  :D :D :D

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"If I took Viagra, can I get it over the counter"?

The pharmacist replys, "You might. if you took two".

 :D :D :D

GRANDMA'S DAY IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."

Good one Cat.

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why does the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I would like to enter this as a candidate for "worst joke ever"!!   ;) :D

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited
the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten."


A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & low &
behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately
swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad
plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again &
he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found
himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a coc ktail. (The punch line does not involve a Prawn
coc ktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.


"He's at home, still distraught that you, his best friend changed sides
to the enemy & became a shark"; came the reply.


Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out & see me again."


Christian replied," No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Slaps head :P

Wildcat, 3rensho  and Manx  (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Good-Post.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Score-101010.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Victory.gif)

That's about as fishy as Michael Vick.
Vick better start worrying about a tight end...................

MoSmoke

Holy Mackerel Manx. That's one Pearl of a joke. Made me Clam up while I was reading it. :D

 :D :D :D :D

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered 'Call for backup.'
_____________

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'  'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment, then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
_____________

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and share cute things with people who need a laugh.

Thanks Cat...I needed a smile today.

  :D  :D  :D  :D

I was aked in an interview one time this.

You have a huge tree on your property and the shade even covers your neighbors deck, You want to trim it or cut it down, what do you do?

I said trim it.

The interviewer guy told me that was not the answer he was looking for and I will get a letter in the mail telling me my interview results.

This was a few years ago when i was applying for a truck driving job with Schneider. I got the reply saying i was not hired because the position was filled  :D  :D


nepas

A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on
> his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
> drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a
> typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs,
"That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical
> Green Bay baby boy.
>
> Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
> "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
> father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

> Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
>
> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What
> happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
>
> The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer,wipes
> his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
>
>
> "...Had him circumcised!"  ;D

Being a Cheese head I am LMAO ;D ;D ;D

Good one Headgames

Mike

(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.  The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price - in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.  "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc



9. White Trashfindel



8. Big Red Gulp



7. World Championship Riesling



6. NASCARbernet



5. Chef Boyardeaux



4. Peanut Noir



3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar



2. Grape Expectations



  1. Nasti Spumante



The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).



P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

A bakery owner hires a young female salesgirl who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the salesgirl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please" the man says politely.

The female nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As she retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the girl climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"

Cute  :D

Wish I could find a place like that with Rye in the Raisin spot. :D

 ;D ;D

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.

She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I would marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages
came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight
of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The
thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left very sad and heart broken. And days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were
yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human! brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was
always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift !!

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children -
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and! compla in about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a Smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive and still around

Hey Rat, while that one wasn't funny, it was a nice message that we all need to hear once in a while.  Thank you very much for posting it.

Quote from: Tiny Tim on September 13, 2007, 12:24:18 PM
Hey Rat, while that one wasn't funny, it was a nice message that we all need to hear once in a while.  Thank you very much for posting it.

I second that.

Great post  Rat. Things I know that I forget at times. ;)

You know, Rat, there I go reading that sympathetic story, imagining that Mr. Icerat really has an appreciation for the important things...

Then I see a penguin getting smacked in the back of the head into an ice pool.

I like irony.   ;D  Cheers.

Thanks for the post rat. The rest of the week will be enjoyed for sure, whether that #!!xx?!### boss of mine likes it or not. ;D ;)
A person needs to think like that more often. :)

Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 :D :D :D

I know some of those attorney's. They were my ex wife's. :D ;D

Her attorney asked me at the divorce hearing,

ATTORNEY: What kind of a day are you having?
ME: Not good, and you?
ATTORNEY: I'll ask the questions here, what do you think this is young man?
ME: I don't know but I thought it was a divorce hearing.
ATTORNEY: Do you have something against attorneys?
JUDGE: That type of question is irrelevant please keep to the purpose of this hearing.
ME: I'm not opposed to answering that question your honer.
ATTORNEY:So?
ME: Nothing against my attorney but let the record know I think my ex needs to get a better attorney because I really have no doubt you're an idiot and wasting her money.
JUDGE: We will reschedule this hearing for a later date!!!

Yep they have some dummies out there for sure. :o :D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: mws on September 19, 2007, 12:36:35 PM
Disorder In The Court...

Interesting side note:  Disorder in the Court was compiled in part by Gerald Uelman, one of OJ's attorney in his first criminal trial.  Also was a law school dean at Santa Clara University.

 ;D

I have a particularly low opinion if attorney's (lawyers) at the moment for one reason and another (no I am not in trouble with the law!)so it will delight me to show my lawyer friends these exchanges!

Excellent!  ;) :D :D :D

Ok so what happens when you give a ATTORNEY a VIAGRA ? ........ not a whole lot they just get a little  TALLER   ;D

This one is for Olds,

Cuddles the Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers
he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.

< STRONG>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close!  That old poodle nearly had m e!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!  Bull0 and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

How Hot Is Hell ?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Wal-Mart Greeter
>
> A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
> with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning,
> and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
>
> The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
> "Hell no they ain't."
> "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the
> hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
>
> "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
> couldn't believe you got laid twice."
> "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

I like that Rat. :D :D

Good one Rat.  I think we got a few women like that around here!

I'm positive I met her only it was in Fred Meyer in Wasilla. No, wait, it must of been her sister, she had three kids. :o :D

I know at least a few of these are true for sure.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and 0head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my behind tomorrow.

Enjoy life this is not a dress rehearsal.

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif) I like it! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)

LilSmoker (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)

http://comedyoption.com/pics/monitor_cleaner.swf (http://comedyoption.com/pics/monitor_cleaner.swf)

Cute.  ;D

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

**WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 8

REAL 911 Calls


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

Manx:  Those excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=5af_1177543363

So who gets the deer?

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) Yeah nice Manx (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)

QuoteThose excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

Hahaha..... who would be a 911 (999 in UK) despatcher! Choice language too, think I would have told the guy to take a hike.

One of the funniest things (but potentially serious) I have ever witnesssed regarding ambulances was a few years ago when I was on call at the hospital where I work. It was 2 am on New Years Day and out of the window I witnessed two drunks staggering up the road past the ambulance station. The emergency ambulances were lined up with the keys in the ignition ready for action so the two drunks jumped in one of them, switched on the blueys and put their foot down!

I phoned the ambulance station to alert them as this unfolded and after a moments disbelief two paramedics ran out of the garage and gave chase on foot!!

Fortunately also managed to get hold of the police and they stopped the ambulance within a mile of the hospital and arrested the drunks, never again were the ambulances left outside with the keys in.  :-[

The sight of two paramedics running forlornly down the road after their ambulance in hopeless pursuit has always stuck in my mind and came back to haunt them on many occasions!!  ;) :D

Warped sense of humour I guess!!  :-[

I am not a good joke or story teller and I usually do not remember them.
Here are 3 that I do remember and feel free to embellish them. They are from about 30 years ago.

1 There is a dinner party and a man and women are seated together. They do not know each other. The man is constantly sneezing and
   every time it is so extreme that he is almost having a convulsion.
   Finally the women asks " What is wrong with you."
   The man replies "every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
   The womens reply was " That sounds awfully. What do you take for it."
   The man replied "Pepper."

2  A baby is just delivered and the Doctor accidental drops him on the floor.
    The baby replies "Doctor be carefully. I am only held together with 1 screw."

3  A couple has a 6 year old son that has never spoken a word.
   One evening while they were eating dinner the boy replied " The soup is cold."
   The parents were amazed and asked their son "Why haven't you talked before?"
   The son replied "Every thing has been good up until now!"

Brad

 :D :D :D


Number 3's my favourite!

My father in law has been telling number 3 for years.  I'll pass on the others to expand his material.  He'll like number one (on the golf course). 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr.  Wilkins, but we have some information about
your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me!  Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr.  Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued.  "When we pulled her up she had two 25-poundking crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 ;D

That's bad........but darn funny. lol

that's wrong !!! but not a bad Idea, might as well make the best out of a grim situation

Since we all talk about wood....

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you tell if that is a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had."

Wipe that smile off your face.

Ice, don't quit your day job. ::) :D :D :D

Hey Iceman,
Looks like that when that tree grows up it can be a hot smokin' piece of ash  ;) ;). 

And I could sure use one of them.....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.


"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied:

>
>
>
>
>

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 ;D

Fell for that one hook, line and sinker.   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Tom

May be I should take up golf!  ;D

dang, another short story  ;)

Hey Manxman ,  You're gonna make the air waves with that one :D :D :D GREAT STUFF

                                                Coyote

Glad you like it Coyote..........I live just alongside a golf course, indeed this is the view from the kitchen window.

http://www.iomguide.com/right-photos.php?2008

Try as I might I have not been as lucky as the guy in the story despite hanging around the last hole for hours! Sore thumb would be a small price to pay!!  ;) :D

            Hillbilly Vasectomy


So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."


Trust me," said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"


(you'll love this...)


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Ballard County,Kentucky, Crawford Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina, Louisiana,Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia, and few other places AND Washington, DC.

 :o  :D  ;D

 ;D

 :D :D :D

Man you guys are tough on us hillbllies.

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)

Quote from: Wildcat on October 23, 2007, 07:52:53 AM
            Hillbilly Vasectomy

This procedure also works in Ballard County,Kentucky, Crawford Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina, Louisiana,Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia, and few other places AND Washington, DC.

I'm pretty sure that's the doctor I just went to in Wasilla.  :D ;D ;)

Shoulders together Hillbilly......I think they're after us ;D



Coyote

How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal
Ads" in the Dublin News:


Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in
a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has
been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the
morning.
           -------------------------------

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiance,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
          ------------------------

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and 0ty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
        -------- ------------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard, living in a damp cottage in
the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21  year old blonde lady, with
a lovely chest.
           --------------------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build,  brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and  11:30 PM.
            ------------------------

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year  old double-jointed
super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an  open-minded twin sister.

Hey Manx, I think that last one was from me.... ;D


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

mws that is my cousin to the letter!!! He works for the IRS but we just don't talk about the "Black Sheep" much.  :D ;D Naw he's a good guy....honest.  ;)

Great stuff guys! (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif)

A young cowboy goes off to college ...

but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in college that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue
how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says.

"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
the dog can neither her talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed,

"I hope you shot that sob before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

 ;D

Here are some more:

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under thewatchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*************************************************************

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him,"62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*********************************************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

********************************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"  I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"  "You're both old," he replied.
********************************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer.  She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?"
he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*******************************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

********************************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*********************************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."

********************************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es.'"

********************************************************************

THEY JUST KEEP GETTING CUTER

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*********************************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.  "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

---And another:

Just wondering


1. Can you cry under water?



2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?



5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clot hes you were buried in for eternity?



7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



8. What disease did cured ham actually have?



9. Ho w is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???



16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?



20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"



21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)



23 When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?



24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?



28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



29. What do you call male ballerinas?



30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they d ream?



31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?



35. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Aw geez Wildcat. Now I'm gonna be up all night again thinking about that stuff!!!  :D
I was up late last night wondering if all the cows in the world farted at the same time would we have global warming???  :o ;D

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

That's good Wildcat!

:D  :D  ;D

Mike

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said?' Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.   They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40. 
Wise guy........ But you still get a sign  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, ho w would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.. And they REPRODUCE!

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in manage! ment and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T if you have
further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

 ;D  Good S.H.I.T. guys!

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/lol-049.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Big-Thumbs-Up.gif)

Subject: Retirement Investment

If you had bought $ 1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth only $ 49.00

With Enron you would only have $ 16.50 of you original $ 1000.00

World. Com would be worth about $ 5.00

United Airlines would be worth a whopping $ 20.97.



Now, if you had bought $ 1000.00 worth of Corona beer (the actual beer) one year ago and drank all of it, then returned all the bottles for the ten cent deposit you would end up with $ 214.00.

Based on the above calculations my current advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This new retirement plan pays better than anything the economists can come up with, plus you get to enjoy the beer. It's called a 401 KEG program.



Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer. ( WC Fields).

;) :)

OK if there is any officers of the law here do not read any farther, actually go ahead my brother is a county deputy and still found the following amusing.

A man was running late to for work one morning and was hurrying along his normal path when he was stopped by an officer of the law. The officer approached the man's car and asked him what he was driving so fast this morning for. The man explained to the officer that he was running late for work so if he could just give him his ticket then he would be on his way. The officer, not liking the man's response, decided that he would hold the man up as long as he could to make his point clear. So the officer asked the man "what on earth can you do at your job to make it worth risking your life and everybody Else's life that is on the road this morning"? The man realized what was going on and replied " well sir I'm a, an anis stretcher :o, The officer , now shocked and curious at the same time, asked the man " a what, how do you do that?" The man answered "well sir it's not difficult i start out with one finger, then work to two then three and so on, eventually I get both hands in the old sphincter muscle and begin working them very slowly apart. I can sometimes stretch an anise open six feet!" The officer, now in disbelief, ask the man " what in the he!! do you do with a six foot @$$hole?" the man calmly replied " well sir I'm not sure but it appears to me that they give them a badge and put them in charge of the road!
Needless to say the man did not get out of his ticket ;D

Magic Sandals

A couple on holiday in India, see a sign for magic sandals.
They enter the shop to inquire, the shopkeeper tells them that they will improve the mans 5exual performance and prowess.  :o
The women quickly replys that her husband is a size ten.

The shopkeeper hands the man a pair of size 10 sandals.
As he puts them on he gets a glint in his eye the wife hasn't seen for ages.
He then jumps up and bends the shopkeeper over, who shouts sir, sir stop you have got them on the wrong feet!!! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif)  (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Eeeeeek.gif)

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Happy/happy-thumbs-up-046.gif)  LilSmoker (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/Tip-Hat.gif)

 ;D ;D

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS   HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION  NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

 

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s62/Gitster59/eusa_clap.gif) (http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif)

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. (Rugby World Cup Final)  Gutted. Got a shag though

 ;D ;D ;D ;D :D

(http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) Nice Manx!

I was choked that we lost, but at least our guys did better than our footbal team!

Anyway, although we lost, they did us proud! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Flags/england-flag-04.gif)

 :D :D :D :D :D Good one. Probably real close to the truth too!!! ;D ;D ;)

QuoteProbably real close to the truth too!!!

Yep.... the differences between men and women eh?  ;) :D

Man was standing naked in front of the mirror... totally disgusted. Said to wife, I'm bald, fat, and totally out of shape and feeling depressed. Can you find something good to complement me?

Wife says

Your eyesight is almost perfect.  8)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

At least I have a full head of hair. ;D

Quote from: HCT on November 07, 2007, 10:19:14 AM
At least I have a full head of hair. ;D

Well shoot HGT. Ya upped me by one!!!  :D ;D ;)

Here's another:

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The Nun says.............................................. "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

:o ;)

 ;D  That was a good one LS!  :D

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/BellyLaugh.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/BellyLaugh.gif)(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee74/dustinnabinger/rollingonthefloorlaughing.gif)

Great on L S...........Again your story will be aired for the masses. ;D

Coyote

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

This will make your eyes water guys, and give the girls a laugh no doubt!!??

Subject: never assume anything.


A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end

 ;D ;D ;D

That's funny Manx!............and yeah it did make my eyes water! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Laughing/hahaha-024.gif)

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

My Goodness Wildcat ! That is great stuff !!!! No wonder I don't have to pay for a prep service. This
stuff is killer. Keep it comming. 8)

Coyote

I love that one, especially the three pairs of shoes part.  One addendum: No one stares at your chest except to read your t-shirt.  Or to decide if those words on your t-shirt are really on your t-shirt.

And, by the way, we've already begun the thankgiving weekend "packing negotiation."  We're still getting used to travelling with the baby.  I'll concede, of course....  eventually....  Better be some room left for some golf clubs, though. 

If there is no room for my golf clubs, then there is no room for me.

That's good Wildcat, and very true!  ;D ;)

Here's another :


An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - The light goes on.

When I'm done, The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pi**ing in the fridge again!"

;)

 ;D ;D ;D :D

 :D :D :D :D :D

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or  your friends.

Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their breasts almost
falling out   of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a rideto another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen  October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,  &   24th. Also  November 1st,  2nd, twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) You rascal WCK!  ;)

We have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?  ;D

Quote from: West Coast Kansan on November 16, 2007, 07:21:42 PM

So tell your friends to be careful.

Careful!.... He11 my friends would be lined up!

Mike

 ;D ;D ;D

I need some supplies. ;D

QuoteWe have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?

Went up to our local B+Q six times today.... no sign of them!!  ;) :D

Quote from: manxman on November 17, 2007, 11:35:09 AM

QuoteWe have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?

Went up to our local B+Q six times today.... no sign of them!!  ;) :D

;D ;D ;D Same here Manx, i won't give up trying though!  ;D :D ;)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! . We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? . They're going to STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! . Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

(http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif) (http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/LOL.gif) That's good!  ;)

The Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars"

      A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage.

       When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in
the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: -
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.

       Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a
week.  Can you do this?"

       The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off  here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

http://www.blip.tv/file/340692/

Suspect Mac will be picking that one up in their commercials.

 

Subject: Lone Ranger



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
first request?'


The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.


Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is
your last request?'.

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says: 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead,
for the last time...........


"BRING POSSE!!!!'"

 ;D ;D ;D Gotta get me a horse like that

@ Wildcat & Manx...........(http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/jump.gif)

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Good one ace ......  :D :D :D

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 

I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out  of the car . . . and you know how you just get so stressed that life-stuff seems to get funny? 

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! 

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"   

So, I look down at him and say............................

"Well, which one are you then?"   ........... and that's how the fight started .....

-----------------------------------------------------------

LARRY

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't  show up.

Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Larry!

Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
So,  the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

-----------------------------------------------

TALKING PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that I adopted from the Humane Society, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  "You know," I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.   Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship.  Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.  After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

 :D :D :D

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'  'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

 :D :D :D Wait a minute - I am over 50!  :P

QuoteI am over 50!

Haha........ I've only got three years left myself!!  :-[ ;)

 ;D ;D ;D

Cowboys:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said.............................. 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!'

(http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Respect/respect-062.gif)

Cute one LS  :D

 :D ;D

 :D :D :D

Subject: Fw: Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night'.

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 ;D ;D  Good one Manxman!  Here is another:

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.   

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Th ings for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Ceasarian Section."
A: The Ceasarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 :D :D :D :D

Two great ones  ;D ;D ;D Manx, I think I pulled something I was laughing so hard.  Too funny

Tom

Good ones guys! (http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Signs/haha4.gif)

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the
UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year
old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the
Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Wisconsin newspaper reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Eau
Claire, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

 ;D ;D I think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.

QuoteI think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.

We have several politicians like that round here!  :D

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

If girlfriend 7.0 turns into a 1.0 upon becoming a wife, I think I'll wait for a version 10.0 and not upgrade until complete meltdown and crash is imminent.

QuoteOle has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

I think I resemble that remark :)

Prank Phone Call to Kellogg's

While eating Kellogg's Mini-Wheats, I recently noticed a new "Two-Week Fiber Challenge" advertised on the box. The "challenge," if you can call it that, was to eat Mini-Wheats every day for two weeks, then to "see if you feel a difference." Personally, I think a challenge is to launch a live donkey into space, or genetically engineer a self-replicating bologna. But maybe the marketing people at Kellogg's have lower standards.

What incensed me is that they don't actually talk about the one real benefit of fiber. Granted, I don't want to read about sitting on the bowl while I'm eating from a bowl, but that's beside the point. They say "people who increased their fiber intake felt less tired." Well, maybe they felt less tired because they were sitting on the bowl all day.

This kind of opportunity was too good to, ah, pass, so I made the following prank call to Kellogg's.
KELLOGG'S: This is Betsy, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: I was eating some Mini-Wheats, and I read about the Fiber Challenge, you know, where you challenge people to eat your cereal for two weeks?

KELLOGG'S: Yes.

JH: I started eating it regularly, and I noticed a difference all right.

KELLOGG'S: [Long pause]

JH: Do you know what it was?

KELLOGG'S: As far as what, sir?

JH: Do you know what happens when you eat a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: No.

JH: You don't know the benefit of eating a lot of fiber?

KELLOGG'S: I mean, yes. It, uh, it regulates you.

JH: I'll say. I have been on the commode for six solid hours. And when I say "solid," I use that term loosely. Do you get my meaning?

KELLOGG'S: Yes, sir. I do apologize about that.

JH: I haven't seen this much brown since I visited the UPS headquarters.

KELLOGG'S: I'm sorry to hear about this. Now, ah, how much cereal did you consume?

JH: A box a day, just like you suggested.

KELLOGG'S: An entire box?

JH: In the morning, sure. Then a couple of bowls of All-Bran in the afternoon.

KELLOGG'S: Sir, we recommend one bowl per day.

JH: What? No, it says box. Hang on. I've got it here ... oh. Oh, no. Oh boy.

KELLOGG'S: We encourage people to have a bowl a day.

JH: Well, what if the bowl is big? Like a mixing bowl?

KELLOGG'S: Let me go ahead and get your name.

JH: You know, you guys really should be more clear about this. "Box" looks an awful lot like "bowl."

KELLOGG'S: I'll be happy to pass your comments along, if I can just get your contact information.

JH: My Lord. It's like a smoked ham exploded in here. Can I send you pictures, so you can see what do to your customers?

KELLOGG'S: It's up to your discretion.

JH: It looks like a Yule log. You should call yourself YULElogg's, not Kellogg's.

KELLOGG'S: I do apologize for that, sir.

JH: Look, I'm worried. What should I do? I can't even get off the toilet here. I'm afraid I'll frisbee out another platter of bun fudge.

KELLOGG'S: Well Mr. Hargrave, all I can suggest is for you to contact your physician. The challenge is to eat a bowl a day, not a box.

JH: How is that a challenge?

KELLOGG'S: Uh, it's not really, a challenge, it just makes you feel better.

JH: Why do you call it a challenge, then?

KELLOGG'S: All I can suggest is for you not to consume any more of it.

JH: Why?! Am I going to get cancer?

KELLOGG'S: I'd suggest you call your physician.

JH: Are you guys going to reimburse me for a plumber?

KELLOGG'S: I've never heard of, uh, anything like this, but I can pass your comments along and see what they say.

JH: [Long sigh, followed by gasping and mild choking] Can I ... [hacking] ... can I at least get some free cereal?

KELLOGG'S: We typically don't give out free cereal, sir.

JH: Give me a break. I've got to deal with Stool and the Gang here.

KELLOGG'S: Again, I will be happy to forward along your comments.

JH: OK, one second. [Loud flushing noise] Oh boy. I'm going to have to use a spatula on this.

KELLOGG'S: Can I do anything else for you, sir?

JH: Believe me, you and your cereal have done enough.

KELLOGG'S: Thank you for calling Kellogg's.

JH: [Flushing]
Personally, I think the only "challenge" was for Kellogg's to sell more Mini-Wheats.

Haha, that bowl of "all-bran" just wasn't appealing this morning. Sausage and bacon instead.  ;) :D

Another joke:

A guy calls a weigh loss company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, s*xy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes anda sign around her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in  excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

'I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...'

 ;D ;D

I'll take 2 and a half rounds of the 20# please..........

To my drinking friends.



   

           I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....   

       

           Scared the sh*t out of me!

     

           So that's it!
           

           As of today, no more reading.

 :D :D :D

You guys are killing me here. :D :D :D
At best I might be able to handle the 2 1/2 pound program, unless Ann caught me. Then I wouldn't have to worry about a weight loss program at all!!! :o :D ;)

Not my story but a great story... ;D

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching
a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'. 

The difference between men and women, don't try this at home guys!!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of  the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her!

 :D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D

Quote from: Wildcat on December 05, 2007, 04:34:11 AM
:D Now there are a couple of good ones.  :D :D :D

ditto :D

 :D :D :D
Manx, if you or I ever pulled that they would be reading about us in the obits.!!!

INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-
happy marriage, a young husband decided to
solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself
as the beneficiary, & then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie
then explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that
amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect
his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something
up front, so the man opened his wallet,
displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as dow n
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife
to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he
surprised her in the produce department
& proceeded to strangle her with his
gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped
to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager
as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras &
observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even
leave the store. Under intense questioning at the
police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrange-
ments with the hapless husband who was
also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared.............









(You're going to hate me for this . . )












"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR
AT WAL-MART!"

 ;) :(

how do you spell oooouuuggghhhhh?