Funny story of the day

[TedEbear]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect!!! I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[manfromplaid]

that made me spit coffee out my nose    thank you  ;D

[beefmann]

:) gonna  have to remember that one

[TedEbear]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

[rdevous]

 
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


Ray
   
 

[Quarlow]

Ray, I think you might have cured me with this joke. I have the same troubles.  ;)

[rdevous]

 
    *Critical Thinking At Its Best!*

Woman:  Do you drink beer?
Man:  Yes
 
Woman:  How many beers a day?
Man:  Usually about 3

Woman:  How much do you pay per beer?
Man:  $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)
Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?
Man:  About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400...correct?
Man:  Correct!
 
Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000,          correct?
  Man:  Correct!
 
  Woman:  Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest               savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
  Man:  Do you drink beer?
 
  Woman:  No!
   Man:  Where's your Ferrari?

 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

Hehehe  Touche.

[rdevous]

 
The Sensitive Man 
 
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
 
They get back to his place,
 
And as he shows her around his apartment.
 
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
 
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
 
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
 
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
 
In rows, covering the entire wall!
 
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
 
And she was immediately touched
 
By the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
 
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
 
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
 
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
 
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
 
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
 
But doesn't mention this to him.
 
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.
 
After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
 
Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
 
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
 
He responds warmly.
 
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,


And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.


Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
 
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in the afterglow.
 
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
 
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 
 
*
 
*
 
*
 

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
 
   
 
Ray

[beefmann]

lololo good one

[Tenpoint5]

I'm thinking they forgot the next line.

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!

[SiFumar]

True story....... ::)

[Salmonsmoker]

A PLANE TALE

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS—I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I JUST TOLD HER THAT FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO!"

[tailfeathers]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[iceman]

A buddy of ours sent this. Cute!  ;D