I picked this up off of a gaming site. I hope it does not offend anyone... but I thought is was to funny not to share here.<hr noshade size="1">Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" <hr noshade size="1">
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
Hilarious!!! [:D][:D][:D]
While we are doing jokes, I just received this one. If if offends anyone let me know and I will delete it. I think this one is too funny not to share.
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens and registered sex offenders wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And Last but not least.....
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ..
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson is still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."
I like them both[:D]
Jeff
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/Jeff100/shopping.gif)
(//www.bbqshopping.com)
Some say BBQ is in your blood, if thats true my blood must be BBQ sauce.
Those are priceless!
I'm still getting a lot of mileage off of Chez's BB King joke! [:p][:D]
These are great![:D]
[:D][:D][:D]
John
Newton MA
A guy sits at a bar all day drinking. He gets up, goes to the bathroom & gets sick. Manages to get puke on his shirt.
Walks out & sits back down at the bar & tells the bartender "Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do. My wife expected me to be running errands & getting stuff done all day. Once she sees me, she'll know where I've been."
The bartender says, "Look buddy, here's what you do. Take a $20 out of your wallet & stick it in your shirt pocket. When the Mrs. questions you tell her that you had been working hard all day & had gotten a lot accomplished, so you decided to stop at the bar for one beer before you came home."
"You no sooner got half the beer drank when some guy came stumbling out of the bathroom & blew chow everywhere. But he apologized & gave you the $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
This appears to be a fantastic idea to the said drunk & he rolls with it. When he arrives home, sure as ever, his wife lights into him. He relays the story that the bartender had rehearsed and she is suddenly apologetic.
She reaches into his pocket & pulls out the money & says "But there's $40 here." And he says "Yeah, he crapped my pants too!"
http://www.chezbubba.com
Ya think next time I check into a hotel & they ask "Smoking or Non?" they would mind?
Chez...
Too funny!
Bill
<i>There is room on earth for all God's creatures....on my plate next to the mashed potatoes.</i>
Good ones[:D]
I Share my life with 6 labradors. Who could ask for more?
God bless our wildlife!
LMSO ... G1 Chez~~
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
Whilst we're on jokes, hows about an offering from across the pond with a sort of food theme!!
Anyone with a weak stomach or vivid imagination stop reading now!!!
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man, "they're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...You fancy comin' along?"
Manxman.
Still laughing chez and manx[:D][:D][:D]
Jeff
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/Jeff100/shopping.gif)
(//www.bbqshopping.com)
Some say BBQ is in your blood, if thats true my blood must be BBQ sauce.
All I can say about manxman's story is................
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
Chez and Manx, I'm LMFAO [:D][:D][:D]
John
Newton MA
All you guys need to go smoke something...and fast.
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/mallardwacker/peta-sucks.gif)
SmokeOn,
(http://www.azbbqa.com/forum/phpbb2/images/avatars/gallery/AZBBQA/mallardsmall.gif)
mski
Perryville, Arkansas
Wooo-Pig-Soooie
If a man says he knows anything at all, he knows nothing what he aught to know. But...
One day Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse. The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained. Kneeling over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "OH Yeah, I can handle this. "The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
[:D][:p]
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">"OH Yeah, I can handle this. "The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">Oh the pain of it all...
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
Alright... <center><b>The Tree Of Life</b></center>
There was a young man standing below the tree of life. No matter what he tried he was not strong enough to grab the lowest branch. Yet he could see all of these people moving up the tree of life, going higher and higher.
After several days of trying and crying himself... poor ole me I cannot not even get to the first branch an old Bull from the farmer pasture came over and said to this young man. "If you want to climb the tree of life, if you want to get to the very top and rule over everyone else you have to do what I tell you to do."
The young man cried out, "What? I will do anything you say!" The Bull replied, "Get yourself 3 big cloth sacks, and go fill them with my cow chips. Then come back here and start to eat them." At first the young man just shook his head no. The Bull then told him that if he ate those cow chips it would make the young man the strongest person ever to climb the tree of life.
So the young man did as instructed. He became very powerful. In the weeks, months and years that followed he climb higher and higher eating those cow chips. He became so strong so powerfull that he began step on people in order to get to the next branch faster. Sometime knocking them back to the ground. Many where to old to ever start again. Doomed to live out the remain years in the lowest of branches--the lowest level of the tree of life.
One day this now not so young man reached the very top. He stood there looking over everything that was his to command.
About that time the old farmer came out of his house. Seeing that not so young man and his cow chips in hand the farmer walked back into his house got his rifle and then shot the not so young man out of the tree of life--killing him.
Now what is the moral of this story??? Simple. While BullSh*t might get you to the top, it won't keep you there.
And with that... Good Night Ms. Gracey!
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
<font size="4">A Dogs Life</font id="size4">
Three Labrador retrievers- a brown, a yellow and a black- are sitting in the vets office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replys, "I'm a psser, I p on everything, the sofa, the drapes, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pssd in the middle of my owners bed.
The black lab replys,"so what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are perscribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the heck of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me to." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrant, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could'nt help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you to, huh?"
The black lab say, "No, I'm just here to have my nails clipped."
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<font size="4"><b>Doug</b></font id="size4">
How can you tell when a pig is horny?............................................
When she buys the first two rounds
Jerry
Bear Remover
A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked
in the Yellow Pages, and, sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear
Remover."
He called the number, and the bear remover said he would be over
in 30 minutes.
When the bear remover arrived and got out of his van, he had a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean, ugly old pit bull. "What
are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
The bear remover then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's this shotgun for?" inquired the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks ME off the roof, you shoot the dog."
Jerry Lee,
Welcome to the group... don't be a stranger.
Kjel I enjoyed your story.
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped, and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer
he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him,"We're not coming
out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding
the bucket up he
said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Jerry
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">I see you heard about me [:D]
Olds
(http://www.susanminor.org/Rayeimages/gif/Launch47.gif)