Miranda Rights - the way Caney understnds them.

[Caneyscud]

Inspired by someone getting up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  (hint - it wasn't me)

Husband's Miranda Warning

1.   You have the right to remain silent.  – This is a Husband's God-given right, and the free exercise thereof should never be infringed upon, nor should it ever be forgotten, nor should it ever go disused.  Never underestimate the life-giving powers of silence.  Avail yourself of its virtuous benefits freely.  Even under threat of duress, under coercion or just outright browbeating.  You may be unduly disciplined, or you may be driven to serfdom, but silence is a far better tactic than saying the wrong thing, a supreme tactic for when NOTHING you say will be construed as being appropriate.  Wear your badge of PW proudly – at least you are still alive to wear it! 

2.   Anything you say can and will be used against you. – See Item one above.   Legally, the Supreme Court says if you do not consent, your statements cannot be used against you in a Court of Law.  Well this is not a Court of Law – it's the Hormone Court, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction!  With that, thrown to the wolves are the rules of logic, coherent human thought processes, plain common sense, and yes, perhaps, even sanity.  Anything a Husband or Husband-to-Be, says or thinks (yes there is a hypothesized and strangely feminine ESP – residing exclusively in and recognized singularly in minds where the "Y" chromosome is absent) is recorded for posterity in some dark, desolate, surreptitious and unrevealed nether region, only to be trotted out at the express will of the Wife and usually to the detriment of the Husband.  The fact that the recording (memory) is true or accurate is oftentimes of little or no consequence. 

3.   You have the right to talk to an attorney and have him present with you while you are being questioned. – See Item 2 above.  If you, the Husband or Husband-to-Be believe an attorney will help, well, I have some beautiful ocean front property for sale in Arizona.  Take a hint - you are watching too much football, BBQ Pitmasters, and Giada and need to get in touch with reality

4.   If you cannot afford to hire an attorney, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning if you wish. – See Item 3 above.  Bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo designed to lull a Husband or Husband-to-Be into a false sense of security.  Don't fall for it.  The attempt will only backfire, fail, and implode into a bloody miscarriage of justice. 

5.   You can decide at any time to exercise these rights and not answer any questions or make any statements. – You can and it is indeed your explicit Constitutional right to do so, but remember, this is the Hormone Court.  Weigh carefully Item No. 1 above before you decide your Course of Action.  Weigh carefully, the consequences – remember there are no benefits available to the Husband or the Hurband-to-Be, just levels of consequences.

WAIVER

6.   Do you understand each of these rights I have explained to you?  Having these rights in mind, do you wish to talk to us (Her) now?   Choose carefully, very carefully, your Course of Action.  Life offers many untraveled paths – choose very carefully.  This is not a time to be lukewarm and halfhearted.  As rains will wash away the snow, they will not wash away the consequences – they are indelible.  This decision could be the proverbial "beginning of the rest or your life" or it could be the "beginning of a terrible day and night" (or longer, depending on the gestation of the dreaded Silent Treatment version of punishment).  Look deep into your heart. Experiences shape our decisions and choices every day, yet recognize that your decision holds hope as well as fear; happiness as well as anxiety, and the opportunity for the unknown to unfold and embrace your life.  So raise a glass to your future.  It is honorable to think of yourself as a sheep - alone in a huge field.  Content doing nothing the whole day, except laying in your easychair, savoring (but not quaffing)  to the last drop, the finest brew in the house, wielding the remote to it's utmost efficiency, all the while mindlessly scratching your nether regions.  When suddenly the farmer (the Wife) needs you for one reason or another. She calls on her sheepdogs (the profound and mythical FEMININE WILES) to round you up, and slowly but surely She manages to get you right where She wants you!! For some Husbands it takes a while but eventually and sometimes painfully it is always achieved.  Remember the basis of the FEMININE WILES is not logic, reasoning, and solutions, but fear, complaining and crying! 


Discernment is critical, so remember that this advice is coming from a guy who is wearing brown shoes with black pants, black belt, and blue socks.  I was not discriminating this morning – all I wanted was the cool rush of escape and the temporary, but sweet, freedom (there is always this evening for Her continuation) it affords!   So you can likely postulate on my epicene Course of Action.  Does the words bock, bock, bock, bock, bock, Bwwaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkk, bock, bock, bock give you a hint?  On second thought, maybe peep peep, peep, peep, peep is more factual!  A thought to keep in mind - bull rings are uncomfortable but you eventually get used to them.  Their worst period of hurt is only temporary - as they are inserted - but avoid at all costs the bull tongs - they can be used on more than one portion of your anatomy!

[Smokey the Bear.]

I usually get a warning a week in advance of the impending doom. :-X

Then of course i (we) have the stop rule put in place by both of us to keep things civil and keep peace and tranquility after said time of disfunction is over. Yeah.

[classicrockgriller]

I know it's getting ready to start when I get the "Look".

When I get the "Look" I find a reason to go to the Deer Camp for 2days to 5 weeks,

depending on how hard the "Look" was.

[hal4uk]

Me & Squirt have discovered, through careful experimentation, that the womenfolk are significantly more placid when we just drop them off at Neiman Marcus.