I know I'm addicted (Tenpoint5 told me I was)

[TMB]

My friend GusRobin asked if we thought he was addicted to smoking on another thread,  well I say "YES" sir you are.

But the real question I want to know is am I addicted if I go outside to bake Ice Cream Bread in 28 degree weather with a infrared cooker that's not supposed to be used as an oven?   ???   Is there help for me?  Do I want to be helped?    ???    Do I need to start drinking adult beverages?
I was told by my good friend CB that he was sending 2 very nice guys in white coats to visit me and they would take me to a "HAPPY PLACE".  ;)

[squirtthecat]

Watch out for Nurse Ratched!

[beefmann]

ummm yep you are addicted

[Caneyscud]

TMB - just insert your name here


My name is Scud  --  CaneyScud!  I am an addict to low and slow and here is my story!  First brisket, then ribs, then lox and then sausage – where does it end?  Moinkballs?  Nope, there is always FATTIES!!  At the time no cure was wanted, unless it was No. 1 or No 2, just more toys and more meat.  Even a family sized tea-bag would not work here!

It started out innocently enough. I began to smoke now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one polite smoke led to another, and soon I was more than just a social smoker.

I began to smoke alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Smoking became more and more important to me, and finally I was smoking all the time.

The first smoke led to another, then another, then another, until ---well it was too many, under threat one had to go to the office.  That was a mistake of titanic proportions – more people to feed more smoked goodies to.  The ole thin blue pull had me wrapped around it!

I began to smoke at the office.  I knew that smoking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to invite friends at lunchtime so I could force ribs, butt, brisket, even moinkballs on them.  I would return to my desk dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of BARBECUE!  She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy smoker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Caney, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your smoking has become a real problem. If you don't stop smoking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been smoking..." "I know you've been smoking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You smoke as much as any BBQ redneck, and BBQ rednecks don't make any money, so if you keep on smoking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the Meat Market," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the Meat Market, in the mood for a pulled clod sandwich. Listening to a Country station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The Meat Market was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for the comfort of mesquite, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy smoking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Smoker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a full-fledged, armpit to armpit, sauce stained Bradley Smoker. I have never been to a SA meeting. The poster said that at each meeting they are supposed to watch a non-smoking video; this week it was supposed to be "Jerry Springer" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jackson. Then they share experiences about how they avoided smoking since the last meeting. I whipped out my iPhone, wiped off the bit of mop sauce of the screen and called the number at the bottom of the poster.  A voice answered – not a warm live voice but one of those cold computer voices that said the SA meetings had been canceled due to lack of interest.  Seemed no one wanted to be cured. 

Undaunted, I tried to stop cold turkey, but I kept on looking on forums to find a brine recipe and a finishing IT to use on that old turkey.  Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped smoking, and trying to avoid thoughts about the meaning of barbecue sauce and rubs. I was going crazy I had to do something!   If this kept up, they would put me in the crazy people's hospital.  So I said enough is enough, H E double hockey sticks, why stop smoking – I wasn't hurting anybody.  FREEDOM!!!!! 

Finally now with direction, I could go on with my life.  I learned to control my mesquite smoked, bacon wrapped yearnings (well just a little – but enough).   I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the Computer Screen. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of "The Change" (actually, yes both definitions would apply – the new regime and worse yet, the wife's).   Just me and my BTDS76P (more lovingly named – DBS4)  well not just that smoker but a few others also – one even my wife doesn't know about.  Yes, she does wonder what that wry little smile means that is on my lips just before falling asleep – I'll never tell!


Ye Ode to the Brisket

How oft does want of Brisket doth torture my spirit
Slave of its delicious embrace nothing to do but tend
Like a melancholy malcontent, glistening eyes focused
Hours and times of my desire the plateau doth pass
Nothing but time and precious mesquite can I but offer
Low and slow doth my sweet love's beauty revealed
Sublime, rouse myself; and the weak wanton hunger
Shall from my bowels unloose its masculine restraint
Not at war, stomach at peace, content in fullness.
Oh mighty Brisket, penchant of memory, smoky perfection.

Have you joined Smoker's Anonymous yet?

[Sailor]

Cany......I had to wipe the tears from my eyes as I read your story.   ;D  You my friend do have a way with words.

[jiggerjams]

Caney that was an excellent read. I raise thy cup to thee!!

Thanks with sincerity,

JJ

[GusRobin]

I was told by my good friend CB that he was sending 2 very nice guys in white coats to visit me and they would take me to a "HAPPY PLACE".  ;)

When they cart you away, send your SRG over and I'll watch it for you until your release. Mine is still in the box ;D

[Tenpoint5]

Our Pontif has returned. Well done once again Caney.

If you have to ask then you already know the answer Tommy!!

[iceman]

That was a tear jerker Caney  :'(  :'(  ;D
Best read I've had in some time.  :D
Thanks

[Slamdunk]

I'm sitting here at the office, pretending to work and trying not to laugh out loud !! Great read and I can sympathize with most of what you so delicately expressed.

[ArnieM]

Good one Caney.

Caney is an artist besides.  Put up a few pics Caney.

[Bavind]

I was drinking a beer and reading Caneys post suddenly and unexpectedly my screen was wet. Strangely it smelled like the beer I was drinking lol