Funny story of the day

[Up In Smoke]

 :D :D :D

[schneep]

A man was sitting on the beach.  He had no arms or legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English women said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No".  So she gave him a hug, and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No".  She gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,"Have you ever been screwed?"  The man broke into a big smile and said "No."
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in".

[rdevous]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.  Really.

 
WALKS.....WALKS.....well maybe.....but it WON"T be a straight line and it'll be with pride!!!
 
 
Ray

 

[Caneyscud]

As we are at the start of another year- I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open or close a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine who sat on it without any clothes on since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch the bottom of any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.



And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my bottom.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

[smoker pete]

True ... so true !!  I am now feverishly searching for 144,000 people ...  ;D ;D  Only 143,992 to go  :D

[iceman]

Copy, paste, send. Copy, paste, send. I'm helping ya out smoker pete  :D
Dang it Caney I thought today was gonna be a relax and suck down some cold ones type of day and then I go and read your post  >:(  ;D

[RAF128]

Food For Thought

1. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
2. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
3. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
4. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand...
5. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
6. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
9. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
10. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

[smoker pete]

Alzheimer's Test

If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this test ...

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S 

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

|
|
|
|
\/

Answers:

1. RANDOM 
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE 
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?!!

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert!!

[jiggerjams]

Off to confession I go!! :D

[schneep]

How to call the police when you're old, and don't move too fast.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going to bed when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn the light off, but saw there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said " All patrols are busy, You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said "OK"
He hung up the phone and counted to 30, Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing from my garden shed, Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, and the dogs are eating them right now". and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, " I thought you said you'd shot them?."
George said, "I thought you said there was no one available !." 
(True story)

[schneep]

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between rut and grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a phone with recording capabilities these days, no one talks of seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. In the 60"s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes an entire box to start a campfire?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?".

13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about him?

14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegtables, what is baby oil made from?

17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

18. Does pishing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[rdevous]

 
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg  She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
 
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
 
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
   
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Caneyscud]

Makes perfect sense to me!

[FLBentRider]

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/4077/10-most-popular-autocorrects-from-december-2010/

[Caneyscud]

Children Writing About the Ocean
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Billy, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age Cool

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

Cool - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is a lways
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age Cool

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her ******* (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)