Funny story of the day

[OU812]

I thought of whats going on in congress after they replaced the second monkey.

Congress,,,,,,,,,,, what a joke.

[rdevous]

 
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A  woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman says, " Don 't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
 
(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
 
(Last chance)
 
(OK, here it is)
 
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
 
 
 
May you and your family have a holy and blessed Easter!
 

Ray
 
   

[ghost9mm]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Quarlow]

Straight from the cornball college. :)

[rdevous]

 
Met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
 
   
"I want to live forever," I said.
 
   
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
 
   
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"
 
   
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
 
 
 
Ray
 
 

[ghost9mm]

In Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
   
    One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a
man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

     
    The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm!
Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

     
    Which  means:  ("Glad to meet you!  Don't drink the water. The
cows have 0 in it.")
    The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here
campaigning for Obama's health care plan.   I can't understand you.
Please speak in English."

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

[3rensho]

Sehr lustig!   ;D ;D

[ghost9mm]

 Fish Story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[ghost9mm]

The Aisle Seat  . . .

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
 
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,  'Why does it have to be this way ?'

'How long must this go on ? This fighting between our nations ? This hatred ? This animosity ?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes ?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[devo]

Driving and shaving not a very good combination

By Celia Rivenbark
McClatchy-Tribune News Service

By now I'm sure that most of you have heard about the Florida woman who caused a two-vehicle wreck because she was shaving her bikini area while driving.

Guess that makes the time you drove with your elbows while eating a Whopper seem downright virtuous, doesn't it?

Florida Highway Patrol troopers said the car Megan Barnes was driving crashed into the back of a pickup truck at about 45 mph. Her reaction time was slowed down because she was too busy grooming her hoohah to pay attention to the road. Oh, like that's never happened to you?

Ms. Barnes told the investigating officer that she was on her way to a date and "wanted to be ready for the visit."

Yes, she wanted to look her best. All over. Except, well, we've seen Ms. Barnes' mug shot and she appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart. To be blunt, I don't think a perfectly groomed love rug could possibly make that much difference.


It could've been worse, I suppose. Ms. Barnes could've been waxing her bikini area as she drove along in her T-bird (Yes, fun, fun, fun til the po-lice took her T-bird awaaaaaayy) on those scenic bridges. Imagine the horror if she'd tossed the used wax strips out the window. The manatees might have tried to adopt them.

Hons, I've driven on this particular stretch of highway between Miami and Key West and it's flat-out beautiful with crystal blue water, gorgeous mangroves and cloudless skies.

Not once have I been so bored that I decided I'd rather drag a sharp blade over my nether regions just to have something to do.

There are so many "You might be a redneck if" elements to the story of Megan Barnes, but my favorite is that, while performing this extremely personal grooming ritual, she asked her EX HUSBAND to steer the car so she could concentrate ("Help me out, Buford, I'm gonna make it look like a LIGHTNING BOLT!")

What a guy! Not only did he hold the steering wheel so she could concentrate on primping for her big date with ANOTHER MAN, but when the cops arrived, he tried to switch places and claim he'd been driving.

Trouble was, he had burns on his chest from the airbag that had deployed on THE PASSENGER SIDE ONLY. Oops.

To no one's particular surprise, the Highway Patrol quickly discovered that Ms. Barnes didn't have a valid driver's license. Oh, and, the day before, she'd been convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license. Oh, and her car had been seized and had no insurance or registration. Oh, and she was on probation. Oh, and SHE'S A FLIPPIN' LUNATIC!

Albeit an impeccably groomed one.

[3rensho]

That does take the cake!! ;D ;D

[ghost9mm]

YEAR 2013


One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and Meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,

Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."
 

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama"

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said,

"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."



"HAVE A GREAT DAY" IN GOD WE TRUST!

[ghost9mm]

After finally dying a grisly death in an incident with Americans, Osama bin Laden made his way to the Gates of Judgment.  There he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledgehammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As bin Laden writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As bin Laden awaited his final journey - to a very hot destination - he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[pensrock]

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.

And I hope so much that this comes true.

[Yusuf Mohammed]

nice topic  :)

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