Funny story of the day

[devo]

An "Indian" who walks into a Tim Hortons with a shotgun in one hand and a buffalo in the other.

The server refers to the native man alternately as "Tonto" and "chief."

The native man drinks his coffee, then "blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out."

The next day, the native man returns.

"Whoa, Tonto!" says the server. "We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?

"The Indian smiles and proudly says, `Training for an upper management position in Canadian Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.' "

[rdevous]

 
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell...
 
 
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
 
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did & then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
 
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.  Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
 
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to  join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
 
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
 
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one  more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
 
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
 
After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
 
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some  minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
 
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'  It would be nice to say, 'As a  matter of fact, I was.')
 
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
 
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
 
 
Ray
 

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[Tenpoint5]

When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out: 

Stop at your pharmacy   and go to the 
thermometer section and purchase 
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson..

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested
and then sanitized." 

Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,
I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department 
at  Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN  IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson

[Hopefull Romantic]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Guys Chris is not kidding it is true..

HR

[Tenpoint5]

You are golfing and have just hit your golf ball into a buried lie in tall  grass.
You know it is very difficult to hit the ball back into play from that type of lie. Well, there is now a product that can remedy that frustrating situation.

Click Below 

The Big Daddy Rescue Club

[rdevous]

 
10.5.............That one just went out to my friends and relatives everywhere!!!  Good one...thanks!!!
 
 
Ray
 

[ghost9mm]

I too sent that one to a few old golfing friends... :D :D :D

[rdevous]

 
Employee:  Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
 
Boss:  Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
 
Employee:  Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
 
Boss:  Yes.
 
Employee:  I won't beat around the bush.  Sir, I would like a raise.  I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
 
Boss:  A raise?  I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
 
Employee:  I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..
 
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.  How does that sound? 
 
Employee:  Great! It's a deal!  Thank you, sir!
 
Boss:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
 
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
 

Ray
 

[squirtthecat]

I need to try that during my next review!!   :D :D :D

[Hopefull Romantic]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[rdevous]

 
Five pearls of Irish wisdom to remember:
 
1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
 
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
 
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
 
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
 
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
 
 
Ray
 

[Smokin Soon]

CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Hopefull Romantic]

Revenge is sweet.  ;D ;D ;D

I heard what I believe was an true story about a man who told his long time girlfriend that their relationship was over and he wanted her to move out of the house by the time he gets back from his 4 weeks business trip. She left the same night of the day he left, but not before she called the number that tells the time in Japan and left the phone off the hook.

Hady

[TestRocket]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight.

When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CWP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, "Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a thing......."