Funny story of the day

[mikecorn.1]

Lol. Also bad for your
Teeth if you chew on it ;)


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[ghost9mm]

If that were all true, I would be dead....lol

[TedEbear]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what
his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him...

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like a real idiot.

[dman4505]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?''



''Yes, What can I do for you?''



'' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....

He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''



''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''



The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.



Shortly ,after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?''



''Yeah!''



'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?''



''Yep!''



''Happy Birthday, buddy!''



Rednecks know how to git-R-done!!!

[beefmann]

good one... get r done

[Wildcat]

Good one.

Here is another I can contribute:

Gardening with Grandma



A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

[Wildcat]

 
Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time..

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit or a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate (nor a compliment) to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records









 
 

[classicrockgriller]

Two good ones Rick! ;D

[3rensho]

LMAO  ;D ;D ;D

[ghost9mm]

Now that was funny :D :D :D

[rdevous]

 
Way to go Wildcat...Now I'll sit at the stop sign with TIRE ENVY!!!  LOL
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

   
A Touching Golf Story
 
Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
 
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
 
Finally his exasperated partner Bill asked, 'What the heck is taking so long?'
 
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained.  'I want to make a perfect shot.'
 
His companion Bill said .... 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'
   
   
Ray
 
 

[Wildcat]

Good one Ray!  ;D

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[mikecorn.1]

Now that's some funny stuff right there.


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