Funny story of the day

[Smokin Soon]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'   

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher." 

[grnhs]

 ;D

[3rensho]

> A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
>
> The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
>
> "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
>
> "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
>
> The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
>
> His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
>
> "So tell me then," added the boy.
>
> "Yes, my son?"
>
> "Why are you living in Bradford , England , and still wearing all this 0?"

 

[mikecorn.1]

Do'h, :)


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[Bavind]

Not sure if I posted this before or not but I just read it again and its worth a laugh and I'm sure most of us here can relate.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, , gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[rdevous]

 
Love the classics!!!


Ray
 

[Wildcat]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher



Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

[mikecorn.1]

Those classifieds are funny.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rdevous]

 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.  He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Brian"
 
Passenger:  "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan.  He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
 
Passenger:  "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie:  "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won he Grand Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger:  "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie:  "There's more.  He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
 
Passenger:  "Wow. Some guy then."
 
Cabbie:  "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
 
Passenger:  "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie:  "Well, I never actually met Brian.  He died.  I'm married to his F-----g' widow."
 
 
Ray

 

[mikecorn.1]

:)


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[rdevous]

 

LIVING WILL FORM...

 
I,  _______________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
 
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at  least one of the following:  ______  a Vodka  Rocks ______  a Margarita ____  a double Bailey's on the rocks ______  a glass of wine_____  a  spicy Bloody Mary ______  a Tanguray and Tonic _______  a bowling lane ______  a  2 inch thick prime rib with horseradish ______  Lobster or crab legs ______  the remote control  ______  a  bowl of Ben & Jerry's Heath Bar Vanilla ice cream ______  the sports page______  Sex with a redhead, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any  better.
 
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day.  At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
 
Signature:__________________________  Date: _________________
 
 
NOTE:  I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub attached.  It seems the patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors.  Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes.  If possible, you may transfer me to Dublin.
 
   
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.  For example...
 
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
 
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.  "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.   :o
 
Did you say 'hello'?"
 
 
Ray
 
 

[dman4505]

Saw this on a firearms forum I belong to
Small town justice at its best

http://youtu.be/D6ZZZKIznUA

Don

[DisplacedCoonass]

I still haven't stopped laughing at that video.  Oh how the world needs more men like that....

[ghost9mm]

Love it...