Funny story of the day

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Good one!  ;D ;D ;D

Here is another:


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.  You should all give it a try.

[Smoking Duck]

Good one, Wildcat.  I gave it a try but made the mistake of not realizing I had half a bottle of Viagra.  Now, I got that stinking priopism and the wife is at work  :o :o :'(

[Consiglieri]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out 

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

[manxman]

Liverpool Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from London, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Manchester and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

[manxman]

Little Johnny:

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was 'fascinated.

'The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

However, she decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D  Both are great.

[Mr Walleye]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Texas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
Yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little 0 on
your knee.'

[Smoking Duck]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Nice one Mike.  ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

Another "little johnny" story:


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon who was a RAF flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens, that's some story," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[3rensho]

ROFLOL  that is priceless Manx.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Good one Manxman!  ;D ;D ;D