Funny story of the day

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."?

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
  parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house,  and we'll put them in the cage
with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"?

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over
at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"?

[Wildcat]

 :D :D :D :D

[beefmann]

One day Moses and Jesus were playing a 3 some of golf...Moses walks over puts down his t.. then places his ball on it.. takes a swing and hits the  ball towards a water trap... he lifts his club over his head  swing it  around and chants a few words  over and over as the  water  parts. Moses walks between the water hits the ball onto the  green and lands 12 feet away  from the hole. Then he walks out of the trap and taps the ball into the hole  for a par 3..

Jeasus smiles and places his t and ball ... hits the ball and it  heads towards the same  water trap... he waves his hand and speaks a few words and the ball hobers  right  above the water.. Jeasus walks towards the water  trap and across the water...takes his stance then hits the ball towards the green where it lands 1 foot away  from the hole.. where Jesus walks over and  taps it  in for a par 3 as well...

the last  guy shakes his head ... puts his t and ball down ..smacks the ball as it heads towards the same wateer trap it hits a rock at the edge of the water  bounces onto a  lily  pad at this point both Moses and Jesus start  laughing... then a bull frog jumps onto the lily pad taking the ball into its  mouth .. both moses and Jesus  are now  laughing  harder ... out  of nowhere a screach from a hawk is heard as it dives    towards the frog plucking  it off the lily  pad and over the green the hawk and frog go... just as they approach the hole  the frog squeels droping the ball in the cup for a hole in one.

Moses and  jesus stops  laughing and Moses turns to Jesus and says:


I hate playing  with your farther....

[La Quinta]

My husband is gonna love this joke!!!  :D  :D  :D

[Wildcat]

Why
Men are Just Happier People!!

 
NICKNAMES
If
Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate
and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING
OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A
man will pay $2 for  a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A
man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Target.
The average number of items in
the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more
than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A
woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument..

CATS
Women
love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

FUTURE
A
woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING
UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in
two people remembering the same thing!!!

[Mr Walleye]

Oh... That's good Wildcat!  ;D

Mike

[pensrock]

I like it!  ;D ;D ;D

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D

[pensrock]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have  an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  ' Hello? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.     
 
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No 


Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?'    Again the small voice  whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a  policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the  Fireman and the priest , ' came the whispered  answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A  helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
 
Again, whispering, the child  answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the  young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

' ME! '

;D ;D ;D

[Mr Walleye]

Ya had me going Pens!  :D

Mike

[Mr Walleye]

Child Discipline Methods


For anybody who's raised a kid:
 
Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children.  The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.
We talked about 'time outs', grounding, holding  back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has a better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>





:D  :D  :D  ;D
Mike

[Mr Walleye]

Ok... One more!

Click on this link. Turn up the volume. It's hilarious!  :D  :D  :D

http://www.glumbert.com:80/media/laugh

Mike

[bigredsmoker]

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D