Funny story of the day

[KevinG]

Wow, I can hunt for days and not see anything. Maybe I should bring along a trampoline with me next time!

[Hopefull Romantic]

Great picture HS

HR

[Quarlow]

Ok that is impressive. Yesterday on my way home I stopped to watch a 6 pointer chasing 5 does around a field by our quarry which is just 5 mins from town. I thought the was pretty good for the city limits, but you got me beat with that pic Hawke

[classicrockgriller]

A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the rest-room?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?'

[CB]

didn't look to see if this was posted...sorry if it's a duplicate.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

  I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb.... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.


Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,


Alex

[classicrockgriller]

                            Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

[3rensho]

So true CRG.  Great one  ;D ;D ;D

[classicrockgriller]

Ain't it the truth.

[Hopefull Romantic]

Great one CRG. A CLASSIC

HR

[ArnieM]

This is a true story.

I was at the market today looking for something for dinner tonight and wandering around the meat counter as usual.  There was a (W)oman there that had put a top round roast in her cart.  The (B)utcher was also there putting out meat.  They were kinda in my way so I stood there and overheard the conversation.

W: Excuse me sir.
B: Yes mam?
W: I want to cook this in the oven tonight.  How do I know when it's done?
B: Well, how 'done' would you like it?
W: I think I like it medium.
B: Then roast it to about 135, pull it out and let it rest for 15-20 minutes.
W: I don't think my oven will work at 135 degrees.
B: No.  Roast at 325-350 until the internal temperature is 135.
W: Oh.  How do I know what the internal temperature is?
B: Use a meat thermometer.
W: A what?
B: It's a thermometer you put in the meat.  We have several different types on aisle 6.
W: Where do you put it?  (An opening here  ;D)
B: The closest to the center of the thickest part of the meat.
W: OK.  What do you mean 'rest'?

That was it.  I went to the bakery dept.

[squirtthecat]

Arnie, do they let women in the kitchen on a regular basis around there??

[EDIT]

;) (I'm joking)

[KevinG]

Yikes, sounds like a meal I want to stay away from.

[classicrockgriller]

Bet the (B)utcher was biting his tongue.

[KevinG]

Probably more appetising than the meal she was going to prepare!

[ArnieM]

Of course.  My wife cuts things up and then later does the dishes.  I told her she was a chef - a sous chef.  She was happy.

I told her "Drop the knife and step AWAY from the brisket." 

Seriously, she's a sweetie.  We've had five happy years of marriage - 37 in all.   ;D ;D ;D