Funny story of the day

[Mr Walleye]

A little pork humor!




Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."


"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "


With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."


"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."


"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 15 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,  "Pepe... Go back, man. You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "


"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees
 
Ees a ham bush...."

[Tenpoint5]

Now that just aint right!!

[ArnieM]

(Stutter) - Good one Ray.

[classicrockgriller]

You have to be careful of a ham bush!

;D ;D ;D ;D

[iceman]

Now that there is funny MW.  :D

[KevinG]

The pick-up truck driver and the dog

A Lady was telling her neighbor that  she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was   hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.

She said if the pick-up truck driver   hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to  stop  him.  A few weeks later, her neighbor   saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne,  Alabama . The pick-up truck driver is a local   taxidermist with a great sense of humor. And it's not a dog, it's a coyote.

Can you imagine how many people try to stop this guy?










   

[ArnieM]

When Love Fades ...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having leftovers, a$$hole.  I was talking to the cat!"

[3rensho]

That sounds just like home.  We have three cats  ;D ;D ;D

[rdevous]

T-G-I-F > vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.
   
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
 
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
 
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
 
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
 
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
 
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
 
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
 
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
 
 
Ray
 

[Caneyscud]

 AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7... IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.




SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[classicrockgriller]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[BuyLowSellHigh]

I was enjoying adult beverages with one of my good Cajun friends recently.  As usual the talk turned to food.  It was the typical talk about manly eats – smoking, grilling, and the like.  After a brief pause he said, "Next time you go to Louisiana you really should go to the zoo".  I was thinking change of subject coming, so I asked, "Why so?".  He then says, "Well, you know how at all the zoos they have the card in front of the cage that tells you all about the animals, gives you the name, has a picture, where it's from, its habitat and the like?".  "Sure" I said.  He then explains, "Well in Louisiana they have all that, then at the bottom for each animal they tell you a preferred cooking method and recommend two side dishes to go with it."

[manxman]

A lesson on how consultants can make a   difference in an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon
in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.   When the busboy brought our
water and utensils,   I observed that he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons
in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our
soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all of our processes.   After several
months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the
most frequently  dropped utensil.   It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours
per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced
it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to
the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right
now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging   out of the
waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I
asked the waiter,   'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you
have   that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.   'Not everyone
is so observant.   That consulting firm I mentioned also
learned   that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,   we
can pull it out without touching it and eliminate   the need
to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom
by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,   'After you get it out, how do you put it
back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,   but
I use the spoon.'

[Wildcat]

Good one Manxman!

[Mr Walleye]

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.