Don't Try Your Wife's Christmas Gift on Yourself.

[MallardWacker]

This probably could of been me.......




Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative??

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D  I like this.  I know a few guys around here that would be stupid enough to a similiar test drive.

[iceman]

Well I guess that idea is out of the question now. Whew! Saved by the bell.:D ;D

Duck man I just showed that to Anns boss and the poor guy is in tears from laughing so hard. Thanks for making the ole grumpy dude happy. ;D

[Buck36]

That is the funniest thing I have heard in some time!

[aces-n-eights]

He's one of those guys whose last words on earth are "hey dude, hold my beer and watch this"

[HCT]

I always laugh my butt off reading this one. :D :D

[Ontrack]

Why do I feel like everybody's looking at me? I haven't done the taser to myself (yet), but I did do one of those shocky things to myself about 10 years ago.(twice) I don't remember what they called them, but a buddy and his wife brought one over, coincidentally the first night our local package store first got Wild Turkey Barrel Proof (108.6). I really don't know what all went down that night, except for 2 bottles of the WT, but I woke up in the floor with burns on my tongue and a$$, and the wife didn't have much do to with me for several days...and my old bud woke up on the garage floor, but it was the neighbor's garage... ::)

[Oldman]

Truth time...

When I was a very young man I work the cattle stock yards.  I had an cattle prod that was about 20" long and it contained 5 D size batteries.

I was trying to move this bull over with my hickory cane but the bull was not going for it. So I took out my prod and as I hit the button a cow bumped me from the back and the prod got my left leg on the inside upper  area.

While I'm sure that the prod does not have the knockdown power of a Taser Stun Gun, I will tell you this: From that point on I always looked behind me before I hit the button. While I cannot really discribe what happened to me that day, I will say I never want to go down that path again.  It is an experiance you only want to go through once. 

[NePaSmoKer]

I zapped myself with a cattleprod 1 time........1 time  :o

It made my short hairs even shorter  ;D and my back side * a little tighter WOO HOO

nepas

[Ontrack]

I'm glad I'm not the only...let's see, what is that word the wife uses all the time...IDIOT on this forum. You guys make me feel like I'm one of the crowd! And I say the word idiot in a loving way-please don't be offended. I know most of the stupid sh!t I do is alcohol related, and from what I've read on here, I'm probably not the only one! ;D

[West Coast Kansan]

Great story, Stole that and sent it to some other friends by email... Super LOL funny story.