Joke of yester-year...

psdubl07 · July 14, 2005, 10:01:00 PM

One day Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse. The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained. Kneeling over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "OH Yeah, I can handle this. "The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[:D][:p]

Oldman · July 15, 2005, 04:34:57 AM

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">"OH Yeah, I can handle this. "The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">Oh the pain of it all...

Olds

Oldman · July 15, 2005, 05:02:00 AM

Alright... <center>The Tree Of Life</center>

There was a young man standing below the tree of life. No matter what he tried he was not strong enough to grab the lowest branch. Yet he could see all of these people moving up the tree of life, going higher and higher.

After several days of trying and crying himself... poor ole me I cannot not even get to the first branch an old Bull from the farmer pasture came over and said to this young man. "If you want to climb the tree of life, if you want to get to the very top and rule over everyone else you have to do what I tell you to do."

The young man cried out, "What? I will do anything you say!" The Bull replied, "Get yourself 3 big cloth sacks, and go fill them with my cow chips. Then come back here and start to eat them." At first the young man just shook his head no. The Bull then told him that if he ate those cow chips it would make the young man the strongest person ever to climb the tree of life.

So the young man did as instructed. He became very powerful. In the weeks, months and years that followed he climb higher and higher eating those cow chips. He became so strong so powerfull that he began step on people in order to get to the next branch faster. Sometime knocking them back to the ground. Many where to old to ever start again. Doomed to live out the remain years in the lowest of branches--the lowest level of the tree of life.

One day this now not so young man reached the very top. He stood there looking over everything that was his to command.

About that time the old farmer came out of his house. Seeing that not so young man and his cow chips in hand the farmer walked back into his house got his rifle and then shot the not so young man out of the tree of life--killing him.

Now what is the moral of this story??? Simple. While BullSh*t might get you to the top, it won't keep you there.

And with that... Good Night Ms. Gracey!

Olds

jaeger · July 15, 2005, 05:46:26 AM

A Dogs Life

Three Labrador retrievers- a brown, a yellow and a black- are sitting in the vets office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replys, "I'm a psser, I p on everything, the sofa, the drapes, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pssd in the middle of my owners bed.
The black lab replys,"so what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are perscribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the heck of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me to." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrant, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could'nt help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you to, huh?"
The black lab say, "No, I'm just here to have my nails clipped."

Doug

Jerry Lee · July 15, 2005, 01:28:58 PM

How can you tell when a pig is horny?............................................

When she buys the first two rounds

Jerry

kjel · July 15, 2005, 10:16:07 PM

Bear Remover

A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked
in the Yellow Pages, and, sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear
Remover."

He called the number, and the bear remover said he would be over
in 30 minutes.

When the bear remover arrived and got out of his van, he had a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean, ugly old pit bull. "What
are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

The bear remover then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's this shotgun for?" inquired the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks ME off the roof, you shoot the dog."

Oldman · July 16, 2005, 12:15:49 AM

Jerry Lee,
Welcome to the group... don't be a stranger.

Kjel I enjoyed your story.

Olds

Jerry Lee · July 21, 2005, 12:42:32 PM

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped, and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer
he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him,"We're not coming
out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding
the bucket up he
said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Jerry

Oldman · July 21, 2005, 02:45:18 PM

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">I see you heard about me [:D]

Olds