Chili Contest

[Jerry Lee]

Inexperienced Chili Taster" submitted by Johnnyboy These
are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey ... (maybe
Teterboro)... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the
10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked
to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently
the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event."

*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE
ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****,
what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili J UDGE ONE:
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE
TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm
not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.

*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean
chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint
of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty,
strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using
shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are
ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use
of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My
intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!

******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE
ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
**** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A
perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili
pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3
was unable to report)


Jerry

[nsxbill]

I needed a good laugh this morning.  Very funny!

Bill

<i>There is room on earth for all God's creatures....on my plate next to the mashed potatoes.</i>

[3rensho]

LMAO  Really funny

Tom

Smokin' in Switzerland

[jaeger]

LMAO in South Dakota!!![:D][:D][:D]







<font size="4"><b>Doug</b></font id="size4">

[Cold Smoke]

Oh, man!!!! Damn good one!![8D][8D]

Still LMAO in Manitoba!![8D]

Cold Smoke