Paternity ( Texas Style )and Probably Arkansas

[MallardWacker]

I da-no if this is true but is funny....Found it over on the Refuge.

Subject: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

When someone puts in for Child Support in Dallas, Texas, proper procedure
requires finding out who the father is to determine why he is not providing
support.

The following are responses entered by Dallas women on Child Support Agency
forms in the section for listing fathers' details. These are actual excerpts
from the forms. Reviewers felt that number 11 was very good - it took the prize
in their collective opinion; number 3 was runner up.





1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim
Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.  


2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick
out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a
list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at
a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that
night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.


4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that
now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that
he is Christ risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so
would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
advise.


7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to
me.


8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you
ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same
time....well I don't have a clue.


9. >From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe
it really is the Magic Kingdom.


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure
is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have
stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller
Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you
eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.  
__________________

It's almost too funny to be true, sad though if it is...


SmokeOn,

mski
Perryville, Arkansas
Wooo-Pig-Soooie

If a man says he knows anything at all, he knows nothing what he aught to know.  But...

[manxman]

As Mallard Wacker said..... funny but sad reflection on society!!

So happens we have an engineer visiting us at the moment to service some equipment. His name is Peter Smith and he says the AC/DC CD's are his![:D]

This is apparently a true Accident Report relating to an accident on a building site in Australia, as reported in a newsletter of the equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board.  

One unlucky guy!!

"Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information relating to my accident.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. I am a bricklayer by trade and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on a new six story building.

When I completed my work I found that I had some bricks left over which probably weighed around 500lbs.

You will notice on the accident report that I weigh 150lbs!

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof and swung the barrel out, loading the bricks into it. Then I went down and undid the rope, holding onto it tightly to ensure a controlled descent of the bricks.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the groud I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel which was proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone listed on the accident report.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley!

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind to hold onto the rope tightly in spite of the fact I was in considerable pain.

However, when the barrel hit the ground most of the bricks fell out. I then began a rapid descent down the side of the building and collided with the barrel coming up, this account for my two fractured ankles, broken tooth and lacerations to my legs and body.

Here my luck began to change slightly, the encounter with the barrel seemed to slow my descent enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks on the ground suffering only a cracked vertebrae.

However, I am sorry to report that as I lay on the pile of bricks in considerable pain and unable to move, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.

I could watch as the barrel began its journey back down onto me, this explains the broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

kind regards,

Mike Pashby."



Manxman.

[nsxbill]

Too funny.  Heard the brick story before, but not so eloquently.

Bill

<i>There is room on earth for all God's creatures....on my plate next to the mashed potatoes.</i>