8-9 loaf batch of bread recipe. For those without starter

[Northern_Hunting_Mom]

As it says, I wrote this when I was drinky. Spelling errors, typos and all. If there is a bit of leftover dough, it is great fried in a half inch of oil then sprinkled with powdered sugar, just like beignets. Some may actually use the recipe, some will laugh when reading it and many will give up before they finish reading because it is long winded.
Alright, this will be long winded. I cannot prevent it. I'm a little drinky and doing a lot of giggling. I make my own bread, often once a month or more. I bought a bread machine but it doesn't come close to how wonderful this bread is.
My best friend and neighbour is a Red Seal chef. He has worked in many kitchens, doing many jobs in those kitchens. One of them was working for Dempster's breads in their laboratory kitchens. He was one of the chefs who made Dempster's breads so good and easily transportable. He worked in a bakery, night shift, making several different types of breads. He loves my bread, even when he is sober. He considers it a food group, almost like vodka.

Somehow, we got onto the subject of how I make bread. How this conversation came about was when we played drunken Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox, I don't know how but it quickly got heated, and almost argumentative. I was telling him how I made my bread and he was telling me at almost every step how wrong it was and it should never work. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying. He simply said I love your bread and it should never turn out the way you are telling me you make it.

So, here it is. My bread recipe that has no business being as good as it is. I have even made this in the presence of my husband's aunt and I wrote it down step by step. When she tried to make by herself, it didn't turn out at all, according to her. Maybe its because someone told her, once upon a time, that this is the wrong way so she tried to change it.

The instructions will not be a numbered step by step process. Get over it. Write down the ingredients if you need to, but what kitchen wouldn't have this stuff if they are thinking of making bread?


4 cups boiling water. I mean its still bubbling when you pour it in the large bowl. (Large enough bowl to hold the dough)

~3/4 cup lard. Not shortening. Not oil. Not butter. Not margarine. Lard. If someone feels that lard is against their religion, then you can use shortening. If someone has the possibility, use bacon fat but if you do, don't add salt. Use a bit more if you like BUT NOT LESS!

~3/4 sugar. I don't usually deviate from this.

1-2TBS salt. I usually add about 1.5TBS but honestly, I've made it so often, I don't have the recipe written down and I don't measure. I pour it into my hand until its about right. I will call it 1.5TBS because its my recipe and it sounds about right.

Put the 4 cups of boiling water into the huge bowl along with the lard, sugar and salt. Stir, stab, beat, take your frustration out, as long as the lard etc is fully dissolved. Very important! Ensure a drink is close at hand if you must.

In a smaller bowl, put in 1 cup of warm water with 1 tsp of sugar and 3TBS of traditional yeast. You can use quick rise or bread machine yeast if you like or if its all you have. For the traditional yeast, it usually takes a couple minutes longer but it not an end of world scenario. Mix it well and set aside, but not for long. You will have a messy science experiment if you do. Start this after you mix the boiling water, lard etc in case you have to go to the lavatory or massage a charley horse.

Okay, once the lard, sugar and salt is dissolved, add 2 cups very cold water and stir for 5 seconds. Add 6 cups of white flour all at once, in 1 big clump, just not so fast it makes the water splash over the bowl. Mix it well with a large spoon but don't get uptight about clumps if they are smaller than your thumb. It will look like runny pancake batter which is perfect. Stick your finger in it to double check on how hot it is. It should be very warm but not hot hot.

Add the yeasty water mixture to the batter and mix with the large spoon. It won't mix very well to be honest. People who prefer fancy words would call this folding. I'm not doing laundry and I'm not trying to be gentle. Just slurp it around with the spoon for a minute if you feel you have to watch a clock.

Okay, now for some simple math. Relax, its only adding up to 20, max. Add cups of flour so the total amount you add equals 19. Alright, fine. I will do the math for you. You have already 6 cups of flour so add 13 cups of flour PLUS 1 cup of flour sitting in the cup, on the counter just in case you need it. A good chance you will but don't be hasty. A humid climate will mean you may have to add another cup but it should stay almost tacky.

Mix it as good as you can with the spoon then give up and just pour it onto your work surface. Now work it around, mix it, pretend you are 6 again and making mud pies. Knead it. Rub the goo off your hands and repeat. Add that cup of flour to the dough and make sure to pour it over your hands to help get the goo off your hands.

Now for the best part.... working out your frustrations. Even a well balanced individual can do this. Work it just until the texture is fairly even. Kneading, folding it over and kneading it again. If this part of the instructions is hard for you, don't worry. Rip it, tear it or lovingly mold it. It don't matter right now.  It should be almost sticky if you are just kneading it with the heels of your hands. . If you dig your fingers into it like you have claws, it should stick to them and make you annoyed because you can't get it off. Seriously. If someone touches it with clean hands, it should be almost tacky. This step of pouring it out of the bowl to when you can stop, for me, is usually 5 minutes max.

Once the dough is done, even if it looks like the pockmarked skin of a king from 200 years ago, put it into the huge bowl (if you felt like washing the bowl was necessary, that's okay but I've never worried about it) and cover with a wet dishtowel or a couple pieces of plastic wrap. If you use the plastic wrap, don't wrap it tightly, just drape it over the dough. Now, the best part (or worst, depending). The dough will still be quite warm so you won't have time to run to the liquor store unless its just down the block. This is good because it will take less time to make the batch of bread. This can be bad if you do decide to go to the liquor store and get caught behind some old fart who doesn't know how to use their debit card. It will take only about 15 minutes to rise. I don't usually let it rise to double the size simply because my bread bowl isn't big enough but its close enough.

IF you did not wash the bowl and oil it like every other recipe says you should, when you try to get the dough out, it will stick to the bowl. It shouldn't be gloopy but it should leave a 1/4" layer of dough behind and that you have to use your fingers to nudge the dough off the bowl. Once the dough is on your work surface and you have rubbed most of the dough layer off the bowl, start to gently knead and fold. DO NOT ADD FLOUR even though the dough is sticking to the counter. Don't claw at it. Kneading is not done with your fingers but with the heels of your hands. The dough will feel tacky. Relax. Knead for 2-5 minutes. That's my guess, I never time myself but its not long. Put the dough back in the bowl and cover again.

Now for the goofy part, that I have never seen in any other bread recipe, ever. That kneading part I just told you to do in the last paragraph. Do it again. Yes. I am telling you to let the dough rise again before you put it into the bread pans.

After the dough has risen the second time. you can put it into greased bread pans. I use aluminum foil bread pans. I also use silicone and glass bread pans. I don't use metal pans. I find them too big and they are always the no-stick pans and they are too dark. My latest batch, I made 7 loaves and one 9x13 pan of small buns. It can be formed into 9 loaves if you prefer. Make the dough into smaller portions than you may think you should. It does not work well at all if the dough overflows the pan. Muffintops are as bad as 40-something moms who want to pretend they are still hot.

Let the dough rise in the pans for 45 minutes or so. I don't bother with covering them. They should have doubled in size, maybe a bit more. When you think they are close, preheat the oven to 300F. Yes, 300F. Not higher. Put the bread in and set a timer for 40 minutes. When the timer goes off, check if they are done. They should be a light golden but they may need another 10 minutes to get there. They should be a LIGHT golden and not medium or dark.

Right after taking them out, put them on a cooling rack and brush on butter onto the crust. You can cut into a loaf right away but you will crush it. You are better off to bake the buns first to avoid this because I don't know anybody who cannot cut into a fresh batch of bread right out of the oven.

They must cool completely before putting them in bags. This is a very moist bread and delicate. If you decide to make this bread in the late afternoon/evening and you are too tired and/or drunk to wait before you have to sleep or pass out, then keep the brown paper bags from the liquor store and put the loaves in those. You can transfer them to plastic bags in the morning.

Told ya it would be long winded.

[Northern_Hunting_Mom]

I have to warn anybody who is not Canadian. Our regular all-purpose flour has a higher gluten content than many other countries. If non-Canadians try to make this, use best for bread flour. It will have a higher gluten content than all-purpose flour.

[renoman]

here here! lets get drunk and make bread!

[SiFumar]

That is a heck of a lot of bread!  Good read tho! ;D