Funny story of the day

[icerat4]

Only a person in chicago could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a
  sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
  Escanaba, Michigan after last call the  officer noticed a
  man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could
  barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity in which  he
  tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
  to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
  left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
  switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer
  night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
  times, honked the horn and  then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
  little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
  some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking
  lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the  road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
  now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
  promptly pulled the man over and administered a
  breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
  that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
 Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the police station. This
 breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
  said the truly proud Yooper.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."   


 

[LilSmoker]

Nice 1 Rat! 

[iceman]

Funny but oh so true rat. I don't know how true it is but one of the gals at work said something like that was actually on the front page of the paper a few years ago in Wasilla, AK. Cracks me up!

[Wildcat]

 

[coyote]

Thanks for sharing rat....Tommorrow I'll share with thousands See ya on the radio

[NePaSmoKer]

I have one for ya.

This happend in the town of Lititz Pa where my wife grew up at.

Early morning a patrol car was going up main st when he passed an Amish horse and buggy walking slow going down main st. The police officer noticed no person at the reins of the buggy. He turned around got next to the buggy and still nobody. He then got his car in front of the horse to stop him. Upon getting to the buggy he seen a young Amish guy passed out in back drunk. The horse was just going home on his daily rt.   

Too funny, just a couple years ago.

nepas

[Gizmo]

I suspect he didn't get a ticket for drunk driving since he wasn't driving.  Gee, that autopilot is awsome.  Can't make them like that anymore.

[NePaSmoKer]

They didnt ticket him. They knew him and had another officer guide the horse home 

nepas

[icerat4]

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of
> boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
> instantly removed.
>
> 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
> using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
> timer.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
> rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
> afraid to cough.
>
> 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
> all about the toothache.
>
> 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
> You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
> should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
> 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
>
> If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
>
> And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
> you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>
> Some people are like Slinky's.....They are not really good foranything, but.....
> They still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
> stairs.
>

[LilSmoker]

Haha!

Hey i got one!, here goes:

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28 ) was
having trouble with one of her
students the teacher asked,"Boy what is your
problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the
first-grade.My sister is in the third-
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took boy to
the principal's office.

While boy waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms
Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the
principal thought a third-grade should
know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"
The principal and boy, both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have
four of that I have only two of?

Boy... after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants
that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and
ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink
then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was
taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing
up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide
and
before
he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am
I" sort
of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside
me.You tie me down to get me up. I get wet
before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You
fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man
always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When
I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and
excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with
an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to
use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men
have one of it's longer on some men than on
others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to
his wife after they're married?

Boy.: Surname

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no
bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like
pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy.: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this boy to College, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself!"

 

[Wildcat]

 

[West Coast Kansan]

I agree with the principal 

[Boybach]

A story for both sides of the pond

A couple celebrating 60 years of marriage decided to leave their sleepy little village called Lakenheath on the east coast of England and do a lifetime adventure driving West to East coast USA. Off they set and after visiting Las Vegas they headed on East and after miles of nothingness started to worry about getting fuel. On the outskirts of a small town there stood a lone filling station. In they pulled to be met by the owner of equal age.
Howdy what can I do for you?
Fill her up with petrol replied the Englishman
Hey what part of the world are you guys from? in this country we call it Gas
The old English girl was quite deaf and asked her husband what did he say? repeating herself what did he say?
He said they call it gas here not petrol
The garage owner then asked could he check the oil?
The old man replied Please I'll open the bonnet
Naw in this country we call it the hood
What did he say? what did he say?
He said over here its called the hood not the bonnet
The garage owner then asked if there was anything needing doing?
Yes please was the reply Could you please give the windscreen a wipe over
Windscreen is it over here we say its the windshield
What did he say? what did he say?
He said it's called a windshield not windscreen
Anyways says the garage owner that'll be $57
Oh said the Englishman my wallet is in the boot
Naw man over here we say my purse is in the trunk
What did he say? what did he say?
He says they call a wallet a purse and the boot the trunk
Well after it was all settled the garge owner brought the change out and asked where in the UK did they come from?
Oh we come from a place called Lakenheath
What did he say - what did he say
He wants to know where we come from
The garage owner then says he had been in the USAF and had spent 10 months on a posting to the UK based at RAF Lakenheath, and where he had met this young girl who turned out to be the worst love-maker he had ever met.
What did he say - what did he say
He thinks he knows you

[manxman]

Hahaha, good ones Rat, LS and BB. 

[Wildcat]