Funny story of the day

[Roadking]

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

     She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.  After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE.  But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.  So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC.  "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

     Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.  That BC business really stumped him.

     After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

     Dear Madam:  I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.  I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive early and stay late.  It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous.  Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

     The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

     I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

     If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

     Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner


- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -


   

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

That reminds me of my first trip to Hungary. I was at the pub in the basement of the hotel. no one spoke english. I asked a couple people where the bathroom was but no one knew what I was talking about. So each time I had to go, I had to go up three flights of stairs to my room. Finally one bartender figured out what I was doing and pointed to a door marked 'WC' sure enough there it was. I guess it stands for Water Closet?  ??? ;D ;D

[ArnieM]

Yep.  Water Closet is a common reference in the UK and a lot of Europe.  Even in parts of the U.S.

[iceman]

;D ;D ;D

That reminds me of my first trip to Hungary. I was at the pub in the basement of the hotel. no one spoke english. I asked a couple people where the bathroom was but no one knew what I was talking about. So each time I had to go, I had to go up three flights of stairs to my room. Finally one bartender figured out what I was doing and pointed to a door marked 'WC' sure enough there it was. I guess it stands for Water Closet?  ??? ;D ;D

Way to funny pens! I'm not going to tell about the 30 below and had to go #2 in a snow bank during the blizzard only to find out I walked by a heated porta potty 4 times that night. Come to think about it I still owe those guys one for that.  >:( ;D

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D
Yea that was my first trip overseas, now I know better.

[squirtthecat]

;D ;D ;D
Yea that was my first trip overseas, now I know better.

And the different sized 'paddles' that flush the toilet is another learning experience..

[hal4uk]

;D ;D ;D

That reminds me of my first trip to Hungary. I was at the pub in the basement of the hotel. no one spoke english. I asked a couple people where the bathroom was but no one knew what I was talking about. So each time I had to go, I had to go up three flights of stairs to my room. Finally one bartender figured out what I was doing and pointed to a door marked 'WC' sure enough there it was. I guess it stands for Water Closet?  ??? ;D ;D

Reminds of sneaking in to one of the (if not THE) first TGI Fridays.... down by Vanderbilt...  I was 15yo, and I sneaked in with a buddy... used his military ID.. (He was right - they didn't even notice 2 guys with the exact same name in a row).  After a while...  Had to find that room...  Felt really stupid after the 3rd pass...  Sure enough.. the "Grand Hotel" door did NOT have a hotel behind it... I think I made it "JIT".

[rdevous]

 
....don't look to me for help!!!  I'm still working on the three seashells thing in the movie Demolition Man!!!

 
Ray

[Caneyscud]

;D ;D ;D
Yea that was my first trip overseas, now I know better.

Yeh, but did you ever flush the little toilet next to the big toilet (bidet)!  You get a rather unpleasant surprise and a wet front!  Gosh, that was 19 years ago and still not funny - However, my wife still gets a hearty chuckle from the rememberance. 

[rdevous]

 
Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.


The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.


Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.


Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.


And Last but NOT least:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.
 
 
Ray
 

[manxman]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 
Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[classicrockgriller]

Ray & Manxman, both were funny as Sh*t!

[classicrockgriller]

Dirty Joke about Little Billy (Little Johnny's Cousin, Uncle George is Johnny's Daddy)

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[iceman]

Okay Manx ya gotta quit posting this stuff when I'm drinking rum and cola!!! Geez that burns when it hits the nasal passage and it really messed up the lap top this time.  :o :D

[Caneyscud]

Manx, that is like touching an electric fence to see if it was on!