>
> My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
> I’m Catholic and she’s a bitch
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Marriage is a three-ring circus:
> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
>
>
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> ---
> For Sale :
> Wedding dress, size 8.
> Worn once by mistake.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
> Before marriage and after marriage.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
> when they go, they take your house and car.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
> seemed way too qualified for the job.
> "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
> experience in picking lemons?"
> "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
> been divorced three times."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
> remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
> the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation,
> "I now pronounce you man and wife."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
> All the DNA is the same.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
> Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
> the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
> Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
> forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items
> would you like to buy?"
>
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
> neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a
> table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We
> may not have 45 minutes."
> They were seated immediately.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
> would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
> escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
> groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
> The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
> the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,
> the bride gave him back his credit card.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
> and get used to the idea.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> ---------
>
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
> your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
> you, what would you like them to say?"
> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
> fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
>
> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
> wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in
> people's lives."
>
> Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
> God.
>
> Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean
> to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A minute."
> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A penny."
> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
> me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,
> she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
> What do you think I should do?"
> "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
> tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
> "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
> "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
> "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
> "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
> With his last breath John said, "I do!"
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
> and I have to talk to you about it."
> The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
> The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
> me, what should I do?"
> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
> her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
> wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
> You want my advice?"
> The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
> "Take the poison."
Nuts, I should have made these seperate posts on that other thread.
>
