Funny story of the day

[squirtthecat]

[Mr Walleye]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his
limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?""We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"



Mike

[classicrockgriller]

Sounds like a fricken lawyer, pretty funny

[Tenpoint5]

Roping A Deer

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.


I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.


After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.


The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite y ou and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

[3rensho]

Mr. Walleye,

That describes lawyers to a tee.  Hemorrhoids on the backside of society, IMHO.

[squirtthecat]

[iceman]

Good one tenpont!!!  :D
I have got to send that to a friend of mine in Kodiak. (He's deer hunting).  :o

[classicrockgriller]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
 
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then
explained she needed it to poison her husband.
 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license,
they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" 

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,  "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription."

[squirtthecat]

[rdevous]

 
Real 911 calls...

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bath room, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher :  Was anything else taken?
Caller :  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:   I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police.   ::)
 

Ray
 

[mikecorn.1]

good ones   :D

[classicrockgriller]

funny, I needed a good laugh

[Hopefull Romantic]

CGR

I told your lady in the pharmacy joke last night during a big family dinner and they all laughed their a** off.

HR

[aces-n-eights]

I don't recall if i posted this here, but the "Roping a Deer" joke reminded me...


HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's fore arm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little fuzzball's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to capture mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[HawkeyeSmokes]

Great one Aces. And so true.  :D