Funny story of the day

[classicrockgriller]

Grandpa the Nudist 

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"
he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This was your Grandma's
idea!"

[dbrown1]

Subject: Posted to Craig's List
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:32:42 -0700






To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date:
05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.



I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me,threatening our lives.



You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.



First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.



My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.



You must agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?



I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!



I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]



I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.



Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?



Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.



Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!



Thoughtfully yours, Alex



P.S. Remember this motto. An armed society makes for a more civil society!



"The future ain't what it used to be", Yogi Berra

[dbrown1]

      Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
      5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
      that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
      time.

      A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
      Con struction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

      The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
      the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

      Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

      At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
      containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
      suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
      the next day to start a savings account.

      When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
      "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next
door to us."

      "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

      The little girl replied, "I will, if those
      assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the 0in' sheet rock..."

[classicrockgriller]

durn home depot

[squirtthecat]

This is a long one, but worth it..


Random Thoughts of the Day:

o   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
   
o   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
o   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
 
o   Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
 
o   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
o   The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
 
o   Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
 
o   There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
 
o   Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
 
o   I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
 
o   How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
o   I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
 
o   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
o   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
 
o   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
 
o   Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
o   LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
 
o   I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
o   Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
 
o   My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
 
o   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
 
o   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
 
o   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
 
o   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
 
o   MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
o   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
o   I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
 
o   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
o   I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
o   Bad decisions make good stories
 
o   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
   
o   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invi
o   Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
 
o   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
o   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
 
o   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
 
o   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
o   "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
 
o   I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
 
o   While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
 
o   I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
 
o   I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
 
o   When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
 
o   I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
 
o   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
 
o   As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
 
o   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
 
o   It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
 
o   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
o   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
 
o   Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
 
o   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
 
o   My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?
 
o   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
 
o   I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
 
o   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
o   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

[classicrockgriller]

Long, but funny. I copied and e-mailed this to some of my friends that send me long e-mails.
At least this is more intertaining that there's. Thanks

[pensrock]

that Home Depot story, was so funny. ROTFLMAO  ;D

[squirtthecat]

[Hopefull Romantic]

Okay and a bit political.

One January morning with snow covering the grounds, George W. Bush wakes up and looks outside his white house bedroom window.  To his amazement he sees the words "War Monger" written in a yellow substance outside. He freaks out and calls the CIA, the FBI, NSA and the Washington DC PD to investigate.
Two days later, they all come back and have a meeting with GWB and said: Mr. President, we have good news and we have bad news. GWB replied; "what's the good news". Some one answered; we discovered that the yellow substance is Dick Chaney' urine.
GWB  asked; "so what is the bad news?"
The reply came: Mr. President, It is Lora's hand writing.

HR

[classicrockgriller]

poor George

[rdevous]

 
Wooden Leg Insurance.

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio.  The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it, back in Ohio it cost them $2,000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2,000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39....You just have to know how to describe it!'


Ray

[Hopefull Romantic]

This is an old one told to me by the nicest hillbilly I have ever met.

A travelling salesman car breaks down one Saturday late afternoon in the middle of nowhere in W. Virginia. He opens up the hood but had no idea what he was doing. Up on a nearby hill he sees a small farm house and walks up seeking help. The old farmer comes back with him to the car and still could not do anything. The farmer told the salesman that there will be no mechanics until Monday morning. So having nowhere to go, the farmer agrees to let the salesman bunk in his barn.
Now the farmer had two daughters; Nelly and Venus. So the salesman makes out with Nelly on the first night and Venus on the second. Comes Monday morning, the salesman gets his car fixed and goes home. One month later, he receives this letter from the farmer:

"Are you the man who did the pushin, left the blood stain on the cushion and his footsteps on my dashboard upside down.
Since you met my daughter Nelly, there's been swelling in her belly and I think it's time for you to come around."

The sales man writes a letter back to the farmer and said:

"Yes, I am the man who did the pushin, left the blood stain on the cushion and his footsteps on your dashboard upside down.
Since you met your daughter Venus, there's been swelling in my penis and we'll call it Even Steven  all around."

HR

[squirtthecat]

Labor Day Barbecue flowchart (sorry, it's a day late)

[Mr Walleye]

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
(Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST)

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't

expect you to wet your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with your wet pants.

I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.

I called a bunch of phone s/e/x numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.

Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really ticked and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto.. an Armed Society is a polite society!

[rdevous]

 
Warning PG-13

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.  Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.  He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.  This also applies to undertakers.  The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason:  under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. *
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England  - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?* *Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)



Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam with my OBS!!

Ray