Funny story of the day

[Caneyscud]

Dead Cow



First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".  For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.  I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.  Now learn to pay attention.  Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

[West Coast Kansan]

Now that is funny

[Caneyscud]

For those of you exploring and wandering what our purpose in life is.....................

LIFE EXPLAINED


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.

[beefmann]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the  Vatican  when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
 
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
 
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'   
 
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
 
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[squirtthecat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Didn't see that coming.  ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Good one!

[ArnieM]

I like it beefmann!  Certainly never heard that one before  ;D

[ArnieM]

[3rensho]

Now those are some sweeties.  Can sleep in my basin anytime!!!

[schneep]

St Patricks Day Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me, If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously. a parking place appeared, Paddy looked up and said " Never mind, I found one!"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly called his best friend Finney. " Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes. I saw it!" replied Finney.  "Where are ya calling from?"


Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag four
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take two moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we got four.  The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours"
Reluctantly. the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
However, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy said to Mick.
"Any idea were we are/"
Mick replied,  "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year"


Why did the Irish cook only put 239 beans in the soup?



One more would have been -----------------two farty!!



 

[squirtthecat]

[Tenpoint5]

Bacon or Beercan?

[rdevous]

 
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'
 
 
Ray
 

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D