Funny story of the day

[BuyLowSellHigh]

A Texan's Guide to Life - As Taught by Texas Fathers to Their Children

•   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
 
•   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
 
•   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now & then to make sure it's still there.
 
•   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
 
•   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

•   Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

•   There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
 
•   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
 
•   Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacca.
 
•   It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
 
•   Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
•   When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
 
•   When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
 
•   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

•   Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
•   There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. 

[3rensho]

Now that's some sound advice.  Wish I'd followed it earlier in life. ;D

[3rensho]

This is something to try if you're tired of living (Lebensmüde) -

http://bazonline.ch/digital/wild-wide-web/Bauernschlau--und-lebensmuede/story/15881748

[Ka Honu]

Definitely a "Hold my beer and watch this one" moment.

[BuyLowSellHigh]

If this is real I have to wonder, what happens with the tractor -- he jumps out, jumps in the baler, gets baled, then runs away as the tractor keeps on chugging. 

I have to think that man is a hopeful as a candidate for a future Darwin Award. 

[ArnieM]

Talk about 'bail' money.

[3rensho]

Oh yeah, definitely Darwin material.

[rdevous]

 
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone!

As we progress into the end months of year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the  1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or  feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit  down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and  Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .  .

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.......Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.  (Love this one-got me!)

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
 
 
Ray, typing this with new cotton gloves which I will burn after typing this.
 
 

[iceman]

Man o man rdevous, I thought it was just me that did that stuff.  :D (as I type without gloves)  :o  ;)

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Welcome to the World Wide Web ... as invented by Al Gore.    ;D 

[ArnieM]

I didn't get my hand off of the mouse in time  :-\

[3rensho]

Yup, my hand was on the mouse  ;D ;D

[Tiny Tim]

Mine wasn't....it was on my knee.  Of course I just have this touch pad thingie here on the laptop, but it wasn't on that either.

[rdevous]

 
Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'




NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.
 
 
Ray
 

[Tiny Tim]

Darn Ray, ya had to make me not able to go back to bed...#9 was hilarious.