Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... and he needed a loan, so...

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck
festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked
on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000
loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of
$23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn &Bradstreet and found
that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Alabama, a highly sophisticated
investor, and a Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all
over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[ArnieM]

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. 

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. 

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.  'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this'.

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.   Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to
his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of Marijuana.  I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.   The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying Cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police.' 

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.   So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[Quarlow]

I know we have a few, um let's say more experienced members, who can relate to this. LOL

Senior Moments

There was a bit of confusion at the grocery store this morning.
When the older gentleman in front of me was ready to pay for his groceries, the cashier said to him "strip down, facing me".
He got a very confused look on his face and then proceeded to do as he was told.
The clerk was facing away talking to the next cashier. When she turned around the elderly fellow was completely naked.
The clerk shrieked hysterically and alarms went off as the managers came running.
When they asked him what he was doing he told them "she told me to strip down facing her".
The red faced clerk said " I meant your bank cards strip down and the face of the card to me".
All the old guy could say was "you should make yourself clearer for us seniors from now on" as he got his clothes back on.
The manager said "he would make sure this never happened again".
After all a senior is something you never want to see naked. :o

[rdevous]

 
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
 
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
 
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."
 
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
 
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
 
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
 
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."
 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
 
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease."
 
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
 
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
 
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Tenpoint5]

I was at the bar Saturday night. Had a few drinks. Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember

[Quarlow]

Hahahahahaha.

[mikecorn.1]

Lol!!!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[squirtthecat]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in social studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D  Unfortunately I'm old enough that I can appreciate the latter half of that.

[mikecorn.1]

New hearing aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[rdevous]

 
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[mikecorn.1]

Those are pretty good. Thanks for sharing.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[3rensho]

Great puns.  Thanks

[rdevous]

 
What Is Couple Sex ?
 
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him . . ."Grampa, what is couple sex?"
 
 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
 
 
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction, the joys and responsibilities of 0.
 
 
When he finished explaining, the little girl looked at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.


Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
 
 
The little girl replied . . . . ."Grandma said, dinner will be ready in a couple secs."
 

       
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

That first pic must be you. It's Up In Smoke. ;D