Funny story of the day

[squirtthecat]

Mondays...

[classicrockgriller]

Yeah but he also had inside info.

[squirtthecat]

[Mr Walleye]

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[rdevous]

 
Let me tell you about my weekend.........


An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.  The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check'.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.  'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
     

All Seniors Aren't Senile!


Ray

[rdevous]

 
Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's answers...

Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water tends to Flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the  stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  (The Kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?  ( e.g...abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium  contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels  A, E, I, O, And U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this  one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome...

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
 


Ray

[squirtthecat]

[Hopefull Romantic]

rdvous,

love the one about to keep milk from getting sour.

HR

[Quarlow]

To set this up for you Gordon Cambell is the premiere of B.C. He is not well liked and probably won't get elected again(crossing my fingers) but the people spoke and this is what we are stuck with for now.

Young Gordy lived in Vancouver and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Gordy replied,' Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Gordy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Gordy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Gordy said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Gordy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profit of $898.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Gordy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'

Gordy now works for the
government.

[aces-n-eights]

Those naughty pirates...   :D

[Hopefull Romantic]

Those naughty pirates...   :D

;D ;D ;D Very good one aces-n-eights. Did you know that in the UK when some one says "I'll knock you up" it means I'll wake you up.

HR

[Mr Walleye]

That's interesting HR...

I guess our meaning over here is kinda a wake up call too.  :o  ::)  :D  ;D

Mike

[Hopefull Romantic]

That's interesting HR...

I guess our meaning over here is kinda a wake up call too.  :o  ::)  :D  ;D

Mike

In a sorta kinda way.  ;D ;D ;D

HR

[squirtthecat]

Second opinion.........

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very
rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left
the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need . .
.. a new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see . . . size 44
long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, but how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How
about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, but how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS