Funny story of the day

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[HawkeyeSmokes]

How to play poker.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6  p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[KevinG]

Brilliant! ;D

[classicrockgriller]

Chris, that is one of my top ten favorite jokes. I have told that thing a billion times and always when I finish I think I'm a lesbian too.

[West Coast Kansan]

classic stuff  :D

[classicrockgriller]

 
Some of this year's  Darwin  nominees are:

Nominee No.  1: [  San Jose  Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No.  2: [  Kalamazoo  Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of  Alamo  ,  MI  , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.  Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No.  3: [  Hickory  Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in  Newton  ,  NC  .  Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No.  4: [UPI,  Toronto  ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown  Toronto  skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.  A police spokesman said Garry Hooy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto   Dominion   Bank   Tower  early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students.  Hooy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports.  Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the  Toronto  Sun newspaper that Hooy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No.  5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously.  He had spent several years awaiting  South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.  While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No.  6: [The  Indianapolis  Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in  Dunkirk  ,  IN.    A  Jay   County  man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.  Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural  Dunkirk  home at about 11:30 PM.  Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly.  He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No.  7: [Reuters,  Mississauga  ,  Ontario  ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this  Toronto  suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police.  "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [  Arkansas  Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.  Woodruff   County  deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.  Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of  Little Ro ck  , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip.  On an overcast Sunday night,  Poole  's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column.  Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the  White River   Bridge  .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck  Poole  in the testicles.  The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree.    Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.  "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me.  I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,"  said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (  Poole  's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?  (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that  Poole  did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

[classicrockgriller]

[bigredsmoker]

I knew It!

[KevinG]

Hell, my sister's the author!

[aces-n-eights]

Never play a practical joke on someone that owns a backhoe.  Payback's a b_____  ;D

[bigredsmoker]

Confession
>

An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with  each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

[Hopefull Romantic]

A Jew and a Chinese man sitting at a bar drinking. After they downed a few the jew looks at the Chinese and says:" You have some nerve to be here after what you guys did to Pearl Harbor".
The Chinese replies; "what the heck did we do to Pearl Harbor?"
The Jew: "You destroyed the city, destroyed our fleet in the Pacific and made us go into WW2".
The Chinese: "the Japanese did that, I am Chinese".
The Jew: "Japanese, Chinese they are all alike to me". They down a few more and then the Chinese look over to the Jew and said: "You have some nerve to be here after what you guys did to the Titanic".
The Jew: "Hey you can't blame that on the Jews, the Titanic sunk because it hit and iceberg".
The Chinese: "an Iceberg, a Goldberg, they are all alike to me.

HR

[HawkeyeSmokes]

Pecking Order
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, "Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter."

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

"You men should be ashamed of yourselves!" God cries. "I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?" No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?"

"I don't know," the guy replies. "My wife told me to stand here."

[classicrockgriller]

And Don't move till I tell you too.

[Caneyscud]

This one kinda reminded me of CRG's Darwin Nominee #2


A Blonde, a Car and a Mattress - -


A Blonde ran over a mattress on the highway,   
and decided not to worry -- and kept on driving.
The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough
to tear a hole in the fuel tank.
The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What Finally
Brought Her Vehicle To Its Knees..

She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More Miles
With A 60-Pound Tangle of Stuff Wrapped Around Her Drive Shaft.

She Had it Towed To Her Dealership And Complained
That The Vehicle Had A "Sort Of Shimmy"
When She Was Driving At High Speeds.


Below is a photo Of What They
Found At Her Dealership.....................


"Sort Of A Shimmy" -- I'll Bet It Did!