Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

OMG my sides are sore and I have to clean my monitor. :D :D :D

[Up In Smoke]

LA Professor was giving a rather boring lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject matter, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly and be a little risque.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

Without missing a beat, the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[classicrockgriller]

LA Professor was giving a rather boring lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject matter, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly and be a little risque.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

Without missing a beat, the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

That was a quote from my wife! ;D

Funny joke!

[OU812]

LA Professor was giving a rather boring lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject matter, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly and be a little risque.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

Without missing a beat, the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

That was a quote from my wife! ;D

Funny joke!

Mine too.

[schneep]

Love Making Tips For Seniors!!

1.  Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2.  Set the timer for 3 minutes, in case you dose off in the middle.
3.  Set the mood with lighting. ( Turn them ALL OFF.)
4.  Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial BEFORE you begin.
5.  Write your partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6.  Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7.  Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8.  Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf too.
9.  If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.......

Old is when ....
Your sweetie says, " Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

I hate sex in the movies.   I tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the floor and the ice, well it really chilled the mood!!

[schneep]

My mind works like lightening, one brilliant flash and it is gone!!

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring!!! :-*

I just received a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!
Anybody who fits in my clothes isn't starving!!!

[Caneyscud]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas..

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody

Was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.. ;D

OMG - I think I got a hernia laughing so hard.   

[Caneyscud]

Coming up later in the year, we might be needing some of these!
Be sure to stock up early

[rdevous]

 
7 reasons not to mess with children.....
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked,'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'  A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.  'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'  A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

 
Ray
 

[Wildcat]

Those are great Ray!

[ArnieM]

I like the one with Jonah  :D

[rdevous]

 
What???...What???...Oh sorry, I had cardboard covers over my ears!!!  My favorite is the class picture....she's dead!
 
Ray
 

[rdevous]

BTW...here's the story on those protectors...http://www.snopes.com/photos/politics/earflap.asp
 
 
Ray
 
 

[manxman]

Find out who truly is your hero!

DON'T  SCROLL DOWN  YET!!

FIRST, do  the simple math below,THEN, scroll  down to find your role model.
               
It's amazing how accurate this is!   
   
1)  Pick your favorite number between  1-8
2)  Multiply by 3  then
3)  Add 3
4)  Then again multiply by 3 (use of calculator permitted!!!)
5 ) You'll get a 2 digit  number.....maybe 42
6 ) Add the digits  together.  Example 4 and 2 = 6

             
Now  Scroll  down 













 

 


..................   

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list  below:

1.   Albert  Einstein
2.   Oprah  Winfrey
3.   Mother  Theresa
4.   Mickey Mouse
5.   Bill Gates
6.   Gandhi
7.   Eleanor  Roosevelt
8.   Babe Ruth
9.   Habanero Smoker
10   Kevin Rudd
11.  Barbara  Walters
12.  Dali  Lama

[azamuner73]

I guess habs is my hero.   :D