Funny story of the day

[iceman]

Just say'n  :)

[beefmann]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D gotta love it

[rdevous]

     
 
The coyote


CALIFORNIA:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
 
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
 
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
 
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
 
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
 
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
 
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
 
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
 
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
 
 
TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
 
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
 
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
 
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Tenpoint5]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyLbTjcR9Bc

Nice to see him be actually human. Trys the tuff guy act but comedy takes that away from him.

[iceman]

Good YouTube clip 10.5.  ;D

[rdevous]

 
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!


Oh quit whining, I fell for it, too



Ray
 
 

[Wildcat]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/MC3Gq3W6JiI?feature=player_embedded

[OU812]

I have them kinda brain farts every now and then,,,,,,,,,,,,,and I aint even old yet  ;D

[Wildcat]

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.  Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.  I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.  I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.  She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[GusRobin]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

[beefmann]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

Since i dont drink coffee any one that wants coffee around here has to brew there own ! ! ! 

[rdevous]

 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.  On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and  unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
   
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with  a raised eyebrow.
   
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.  The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.  Can you do this?"..................
     
Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I  fish.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[devo]

[rdevous]

 
I tried to catch some Fog.  I  mist.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
 
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews  it.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

> > I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I  can't put it down.
 
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
 
They told me I had type A blood, but it  was a Type- O.
 
PMS jokes aren't funny,  period.
 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
 
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me!
 
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
 
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
 
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
 
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
 
I used to think I was indecisive, but  now I'm not so sure.
 
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[SouthernSmoked]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"0 ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !