Funny story of the day

[bigredsmoker]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Caneyscud]

Thanks for the big belly laugh - I needed that!

Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Pontificator Extraordinaire'

[bigredsmoker]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS         
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2... Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she e used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to
because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?   
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3.. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

' Every Rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE AZZ THAN YOURS!

[Up In Smoke]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it..'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you a case of beer?'




'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door,  I said
to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are...'

Rednecks

[Mr Walleye]

WilCat & SD...

Ohhh those are good!  :D

Mike

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[iceman]

Good ones guys.  :D

[Mr Walleye]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could  possibly help
mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finanlly, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand
our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says 'nothings wrong', and how I can make a
woman truly happy.'


 


And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'



:D  :D  :D  :D  ;D


Mike

[3rensho]

That's too funny  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

You might want to know





At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year,

the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09. This will never happen again .





Now, don't you feel happier having this invaluable bit of information.

[Caneyscud]

You might want to know





At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year,

the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09. This will never happen again .





Now, don't you feel happier having this invaluable bit of information.

Not really!  Do you have some insider information that you know that the time won't be around until 3009?  Just checking, because if you do, I want to get to know you a lot better!  ;D

Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Pontificator Extraordinaire'

[Wildcat]

No insider info, but ya gotta admit, as crazy as this world is getting, it is hard to imagine it lasting long enough to see 3009!  ;D

[Up In Smoke]

Mike,
i think i just cracked a couple ribs...
that is some funny stuff!