Funny story of the day

[manxman]

Cool!  Don't know that I've ever met anyone with no forearms and double-jointed wrists before.

I deserved that comment!!  ;D ::)

[Wildcat]

Jim died.  His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend.  'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.  'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'
               
              'All of it,' said Sharon .  'Forty thousand.'
               
              'No!'  Brenda exclaimed.  'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
               
               Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church.  The  whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial  Stone.'
               
               Brenda computed quickly. 

              '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?'
               
               "Four and a half carats."

[bigredsmoker]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC  SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
 
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
 
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
 
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
 
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
 
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
 
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
 
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
   
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
 
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[iceman]

Priceless bigred!!!  :D ;) Thanks for the post

[Wildcat]

These classifieds were really put in the paper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . .. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. 

NORDIC TRACK. $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. 

GEORGIA PEACHES. California grown - 89 cents lb. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.   

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition and I no longer need them. Just got married and husband knows everything.

[smokeitall]

Those are great, I was rolling.

[Mr Walleye]

 :D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Those are good WildCat!

Mike

[aces-n-eights]

Another classified ad...  ;D

[Wildcat]

Garden Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed
Stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[beefmann]

remember everyone,

There is 3 things wrong with old age...

First thing to go is the mind....


umm...



umm...




ummm...



ummm



ummm....




umm..



umm...


I forgot the other two.....

[Wildcat]

Golf Poem


In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My E yes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or ! Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.




Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs  and losers of  balls.... 

A recent study found the average golfer  walks about 900 miles a  year.

Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon. 

Kind of makes you proud.    Almost feel like a hybrid.

[Ka Honu]

Google "robin williams golf" for the definitive (hilarious) history of the game.

[iceman]

Good poem cat man.  :D And oh so true!!!  ;D

[josbocc]

Catman,

As my golf league starting date of next week approaches, I will share that with the rest of the masochistic soles that I share every Tuesday afternoon with  :D :D :D

Awesome,

Jeff

[jbollier]

The snake story reminds me of the one I read the other day in the paper:
Seems a man wanted to save on gas on his long commute to work so he went out and bought a motorcycle. not knowing how to ride he thought he would practice a little in the back yard. The cycle got away from him and sent him crashing thru the glass patio doors and fell over in the den. Suffering sever cuts his wife took him to the hospital and while the doctors were stiching him up she returned home to clean up the mess. after mopping up the spilled gasoline she poured it into the toilet and returned to the hospital to pick up hubby. He walked into the house not hurt too badly and promptly went to the restroom with a lit cigarette and set on the toilet and when finished with it he leaned over and dropped it into the toilet. The ensuing explosion blew him thru the shower door and gave him even more severe cuts. The wife called an ambulance this time and as the paramedics were taking him out the door the wife's explanation had them laughing so hard they dropped him and broke his leg in two places. I guess he will be taking the buss to work for a while, the one with a handicap ramp to accomodate his wheelchair.