Funny story of the day

[Cajun]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.    :o  ???  ;)

[Up In Smoke]

A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well.......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling, biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't
trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!

[sherlock]

I missed one, (#13)

I guessed Jim Morrison

;D

[Caneyscud]

Actually Number 10 is partially wrong.  He ended most times with May God Bless - he explained the reason one night. 

[Caneyscud]

Need a funny today!

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine..

      1) The woman buys the food.
      2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the side dishes, and makes dessert.
      3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

      4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

      5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
      6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
      Important again:
      7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

      8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
      9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

      10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

      11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[3rensho]

Love it!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Tenpoint5]

I wish it was that easy!!!

[iceman]

Good one Caneyscud. I have a friend or two that resemble that one for sure.  :D

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Smokin Soon]

A Senior Citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.   
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused.  Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[La Quinta]

 :D  :D  :D

[Smokin Soon]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and  then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in He**.'   

----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

.................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive  clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Caneyscud]

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D