Funny story of the day

[Caneyscud]

Q' - Love the laws.  My sides are still hurting from laughing. 

[3rensho]

Both the laws and little Wallie had me in stitches.  Great ones guys.

[HawkeyeSmokes]

Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 
The next day, the came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular type of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only William was
left.   "William, do you have a story to share?'   'Yes ma'am.       
My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she
had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her
parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of
them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the
knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. 
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher..
'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

[classicrockgriller]

ROFLMAO ...... Aunt Karen is one BA woman.

[Quarlow]

ROFLMAO everyone is looking at me like I lost my mind.LOL

[ArnieM]

Good one Hawkeye.  Please don't tell Aunt Karen where I live.  :D

[HawkeyeSmokes]

Good one Hawkeye.  Please don't tell Aunt Karen where I live.  :D

To late Arnie. She told me she knows where you live!!  :o

[ArnieM]

Well, I suppose I could offer up some chocolates, maybe a bourbon or a box of 9 mm hollow points - and then duck.   ;D ;D

[HawkeyeSmokes]

No bourbon, remember what liquor does to her. :D Candy and bullets are good!

[ArnieM]

That story was great Hawkeye.  I was really ROTFLMAO.  My wife was in here polishing up her S&W .357 magnum.  She said what's so funny?  I said not tonight dear, not tonight.

[JoeHifi]

For those of us who do work in the yard occasionally.. Remember the
Checklist!

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
Funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
Make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
Single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
Have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
Push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
And BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those pieces of junk chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Dang!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
On the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a dream now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over............ which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.

[iceman]

Great story Hawkeye  :D  Had an old girl friend that was that bad, (but that was after I drank to much).  :o ;D

[classicrockgriller]

Joe, I pissed and crapped myself 3 times reading this and laughing.

[JoeHifi]

CRG, 'Glad you liked it.

[Hopefull Romantic]

Q I loved your laws and Wallie.

HS real good story

HR