Funny story of the day

[FLBentRider]

FLBR Please tell me you did not get this the first time  ;D ;D ;D

HR

::) :o

8)

[Wildcat]

Home-Made Chili
 
I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented  'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.

Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.  No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning  symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the  opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.   

Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.  The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.  Those peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.   I was afraid to move  for fear that more of this vile odor might  escape me.   Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked, unsuspecting, into it.   

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?   Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.... MISTAKE!

Here's the thing.   When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.   With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.   Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny.  'IT' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that  I'd make it before the grand mal arseplosion took place.   Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Why Did I Eat That?' floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging.   

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.   He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son of a b---', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, we're asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes.   It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.   The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' 

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.   The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'It's you', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.   I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at HEB.  I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.  Ba--- claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[ArnieM]

Great story Wildcat  ;D ;D ;D

[Hopefull Romantic]

Wildcat, I have been there and done that.

One time I was in Seoul S. Korea and we were scheduled to leave that night. We were invited to a place called "Mad About Gralic" a real nice place where garlic is into everyting. I had Garlic soup, garlic bread and fillet megnion smothered with a volcano of roasted garlic.

The 60 miles trip to the airport went fine and so did the check in, immigration,customs and the couple of drinks in the business class lounge. By the time we were called to the plane, my stomac was growling. Luckely, it was a long way from the lounge to the gate and I could let it loose (thunder only mind you) in the big and emty airport at 3 AM. Sat dowmn in my seat and order a JD before take off. By the time the captain turned off the fasten you seat belts sign, I was in the bathroom. It was heaven. I just felt so sorry to the three next guys who wakled in, had to rush out and use the economy class bathrooms way in the back of the plane. Wrote my self a note then and I have stuck to me as my wedding band; " Never again eat garlic before a flight".

HR

[Wildcat]

Hey guys - it was a joke that was forwarded to me!  ;D I think most of us can relate though. Here is another "joke".

Never Tick Off A Nurse!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a

royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his

staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his

room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for

several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his

mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an

oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually

he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I

have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his

breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen

someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

"Not with a carnation."

[Wildcat]

Arizona Border Patrol

[Hopefull Romantic]

Wildcat

that same lawyer was later seen running around the hospital chased by another nurse with a big pan of boiling water.
Noticed by the same doctor, he asked the lawyer what was going on and the lawyer said " that crazy nurse is going to .......................".
The doctor looks calmly at the nurse and said: Dear I told you to "PRICK HIS BOIL" and not ............... (well you can fill in the blanks)

HR

[Wildcat]

 ;D Must of been a blonde!  ::) ;D

[Wildcat]

Why Parents Drink!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

With trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding rea l passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[JoeHifi]

For the last company picnic, management had decided
that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but
only one (1) drink per person.









I was fired for ordering the cups.

[Quarlow]

Mostly all true. 

Universal Laws




1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will...

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Quarlow]

LITTLE WALLIE ON MATH'S   
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   
She calls on little Wallie. 

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' 

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' 

Then little WALLIE says, 'I have a question for YOU. 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. 
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. 

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. 
Which one is married?' 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' 

To which Little WALLIE replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' 

LITTLE WALLIE ON MATH  (Part 2) 

Little WALLIE returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 

'Why?' asks the father? 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies WALLIE. 

'But that's right!' says his dad. 

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 

'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father. 

'That's what I said!' 

LITTLE WALLIE ON ENGLISH 

Little WALLIE goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' 

WALLIE says 'Mas-tur-bate..' 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little WALLIE, that's a mouthful.' 

Little WALLIE says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.' 

LITTLE WALLIE ON GRAMMAR  (Part 2) 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' 

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little WALLIE. 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'' 

LITTLE WALLIE ON GETTING OLDER 

Little WALLIE was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. 
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' 

Little WALLIE replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' 

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' 
Little WALLIE answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business. 

[Tiny Tim]

That's my boy.....so proud of him. :D

[Quarlow]

In some ways I resemble this kid.LOL

[ArnieM]

Little WALLIE is a good one cousin Q  ;D ;D