Funny story of the day

[Hopefull Romantic]

A manager at Sears is training the new salesman: here at Sears, we are big on added sales.
New salesman: what is that?
Manager said as a customer walks up to them; I'll show yo". "Good morning sirs, how can we help you this morning?"
Customer: I would like to buy some feed for my lawn.
Manager: would that be the 10 pounds or the 5 pounds bag?
Customer: I think I will go with the 10 pounds bag
Manager: would you like a lawn mower to go with that?
Customer: what the hell would I need a lawn mower for?
Manager: well you are going to feed your lawn, so it will grow and you're going to have to mow it.
As the customer walks out with the feed and the lawn mower, the manager looks at the new guy and said: that was added sale, did you get that.
Newbie: yes sir.
The next customer walks up to the counter and declares: I would like to buy tampons for my wife.
Newbie after getting the tampons: would you like a lawn mower to go with that?
Customer: what the hell I would need a lawn mower for. I just came to buy tampons for my wife.
Newbie: well you got your weekend shot; you might as well mow the lawn. 

[manxman]

 Good one. ;D ;D ;D



Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him  in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.


Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued,

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"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[ArnieM]

Good story on the electric fence JoeHifi.  A friend of mine has one around his garden.  I don't think I'm going over there any more.

[beefmann]

saw this video clip and had to share it  with everyone here, we all have had bad bosses and this guy told him what to do with his job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELhTDBUzJLs

[JoeHifi]

A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Hopefull Romantic]

Really a good one Joe.  ;D ;D ;D

HR

[rdevous]

 
If you aren't retarded yet, just think, you have all this to look forward to. If you (or your parents) are already retarded,.,.,.simply ENJOY !!

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school..

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS



Ray

[squirtthecat]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF), from Eastern Kentucky

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problems in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

[Wildcat]

Love it!

[squirtthecat]

Love it!

I just have to add that that joke was sent to me by a Western Kentuckian..

[KevinG]

Love it!

I just have to add that that joke was sent to me by a Western Kentuckian..

One question, why did they arm him with a BB gun? ;D

[beefmann]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl the airplane leaving from Atlanta  when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if  you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting  topics. But let me ask you a  question first. A horse, a cow,  and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do   you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global
warming or universal health care when you don't know 0?

[Hopefull Romantic]

Good one beefmann

HR

[ArnieM]

I think that kinda sums it up for a lot of congressmen/women.

[Quarlow]

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'