Funny story of the day

[standles]

True Story.

Funny how we become creatures of habit.   In the recent spate of tornadoes, the one that went through Yazoo City MS centered my mom and brothers places.  They were lucky as it was not on the ground at that point but back to the story.

I load up supplies and chainsaws and head home.  When I get there it was late so waited until the next day to pull the meter base and hook the generator in.  Fired it up and Mom walked by the phone.  It said she had a message and the phone blinking at her was to much I guess.   She picked it up and started to listen to the message.  My brother just looked at her and said "Really".  She seemed confused.   I told her every tree and line is down for miles and you think you have a message?  If you do it will be from God cause no one else can call.

Add to that every time she left a room with the flashlight in her hand the night before she turned off the light switch.

[Smoke some]

The Zen of Sarcasm



(1) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

(5) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

(9) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

(14) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Some Little Known Facts
(that you probably don't want to know)

•If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
•If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
•The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
•A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
•Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
•Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (So why does a damn PIG have the half hour orgasm!?!?)
•On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
•The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
•You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
•Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
•Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
•You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
•Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
•In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
•A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
•The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)
•Polar bears are left handed.
•The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
•The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
•A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
•The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
•Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)
•Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, 0)
•Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
•A cat's urine glows under a blacklight
•An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
•Starfish don't have brains.

[BuyLowSellHigh]

A married couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a pundit in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The pundit agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her eight-year-old first, in the morning.

The pundit, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. So the pundit repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The pundit raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. .

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!!!

[rdevous]

 
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
 
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
 
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
 
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
 
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
 
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
 
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
 
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
 
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
 
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
 
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
 
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
 
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
 
 
 
Ray

[3rensho]

Good one Ray  ;D ;D

[classicrockgriller]

;D

[KevinG]

I thought we were talking about losing weight there with all that pound talk, until I realized that's a form of money.

[classicrockgriller]

The Texan and the Lesbian

This Texan was sitting in a bar having a beer and a good looking woman was sitting a couple of chairs down from him.

After a few beers the woman turns to the Texan and says ... "May I ask you a question?"

The Texan looks at her and says ... "Yes Mam"

"Well I have noticed your Cowboy Hat, your Cowboy Shirt, your Cowboy Belt, your Cowboy Jeans and your Cowboy Boots ....

are you a Cowboy .... a Real Cowboy?"

He responds "Well Mam, I was born on a Ranch, my Daddy was born on the same Ranch, and my Grandpa started the Ranch.

I punch cows and horses 6 days a week. Yea, I'm a Cowboy ... I'm a real Cowboy."

She says "Cool".

After another beer he turns to her and ask "What are you?"

She looks at him and says "I'm a Lesbian. I like women. I love the soft feel of a woman, the smell of a woman,

the soft touch of a woman"

The Cowboy says "Cool".

She leaves the Bar and shortly another good looking woman sits in her place.

She orders a beer and directly she looks at the Cowboy and says ...

"I have noticed your Cowboy Hat, your Cowboy Shirt, your Cowboy Belt, your Cowboy Jeans and your Cowboy Boots ....

are you a Cowboy .... a Real Cowboy?"

He looks straight into her eyes and says "Well Mam, I used to think I was .... but now I think I am a Lesbian"

[BuyLowSellHigh]

And that, folks, was from a true Texan!   ;D

[Mr Walleye]

Cowboy's Chili       


A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Wichita, Kansas.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.   

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you
go ahead.' 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. 

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he
immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. 

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[Quarlow]

Oook ewww. :D :D :D

[Caneyscud]

Far all ya'll (that ther is plerull for ya yanks) that thunks ya got anythen on Tennersee - jus get yer an eyfull of reel sport!

Tennessee skeet shooting         !http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8z0hyIx3fE

[ArnieM]

Never done skeet or even golf balls  :D  Did a lot of trap though.  Still have boxes of reloaded shells and a half keg of gunpowder.  I asked the local Po-lice how to get rid of it.  They suggested I dig a hole and bury it all in the backyard. Swell.

I still have my 12 Ga reloader.  If anyone wants it, PM me for details and it's yours for the shipping.  I'll have to dump the powder though.

[standles]

Still have boxes of reloaded shells and a half keg of gunpowder.  I asked the local Po-lice how to get rid of it.  They suggested I dig a hole and bury it all in the backyard. Swell.

For the gunpowder use it as fertilizer on the garden/shrubs.  Afterall it is nitrocellulose.  Most fertilizers are just nitrate.

For the reloaded shells.   Cut and salvage lead for casting or sale.