Funny story of the day

[standles]

Did you hear that BP finally got the leak stopped?

One of their married engineers came up with the winning idea.

They put a wedding ring on it and it stopped putting out immediately.

[DarqMan]

Did you hear that BP finally got the leak stopped?

One of their married engineers came up with the winning idea.

They put a wedding ring on it and it stopped putting out immediately.

That's more true than funny.

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Doh !

[rdevous]

 
*FRIED CHICKEN*

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
 
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
 
Guess where I am now . . .
 
 
Ray
 

[ArnieM]

My #1 daughter sent me this one - sensitive airbag.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-ogrMr4lWc

[Caneyscud]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh**!"

Then I would say,"It is dog sh**.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shi**y for free, and then making you pay to get the shi**y taste out of your mouth."

[classicrockgriller]

The Candy With The Little Hole

Teacher brought an assortment of Lifesavers to class to help
the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


"Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!"

[DarqMan]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Methodist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint!  Repaint! 
And thin no more!"

[classicrockgriller]

Probaly been on here before, but all is good.

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "$hit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

[Tenpoint5]

 A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was  leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he  realized that one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.  So he took the chief for a walk in the forest.  He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he   points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock...'

The Priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills both of them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[ArnieM]

Got this in an email, so don't blame me.

-----------------------------------------------------

Never Argue with a Woman   

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:     
Never argue with a woman who reads.   

It's likely she can also think.

[Wildcat]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.  It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.  I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.  I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me...  Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Oh that's a good one.

[classicrockgriller]

Like the one on the Bathrom wall that says "for a good time call 123-456-7890"

And when you do, you get Time and Weather.

;D I never did fall for it, But some of my friends did. ;D

[Caneyscud]

Sent to me as a vid about fed. employees.  In that light it has to not only be the funniest video I've seen in awhile or the saddest!

http://s94.photobucket.com/albums/l95/43something/DDT/?action=view&current=GovtEmployees2.mp4