Funny story of the day

[ArnieM]

I thought it was funny....

So did I  ;D ;D

[beefmann]

one sure fire way to get rid of telemarketers

[rdevous]

 
I canceled my trip to Hooters tonight!!!
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zFK3a2QZaw&NR=1&feature=fvwp
 
:D ;D :o ::) :P
 
Ray
 

[Tiny Tim]

MY EYES....MY EYES.  I'll get you for this rdevous. lol

[BuyLowSellHigh]

Alternatives to Mr. Webster's definitions from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)....

ACCORDION, n.  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
BACCHUS, n.   A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
BEAUTY, n.   The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
BORE, n.   A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BRIDE, n.  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
CABBAGE, n.  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
ECONOMIST, n.  A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
FEMALE, n.   One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
FROG, n.   A reptile with edible legs.
HAPPINESS, n.   An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
HISTORIAN, n.    A broad-gauge gossip.
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
HOMICIDE, n.   The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
HOPE, n.   Desire and expectation rolled into one.
HUSBAND, n.  One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
KILL, v.t.  To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
LAWYER, n.  One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LIAR, n.  A lawyer with a roving commission.
MISFORTUNE, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.
NOISE, n.  A stench in the ear.
OPPOSITION, n.  In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
POSITIVE, adj.  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
SENATE, n.  A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
TAKE, v.t.   To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
TWICE, adv.  Once too often.

[rdevous]

 
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.  He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.  She said, 'Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Olof immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena ..still in DA CRATE!
 
 
Ray
 

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.     

Two lessons here:     

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[Spice]

If you're stressing out, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

2. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

3. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.

4. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

8. Earth is full. Go home.

9. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

10. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

[classicrockgriller]

I like that!

Especially #2, #5, & #10

[ArnieM]

Good one Spice.

[TestRocket]

I got this in an email today:
***************

Lewis Grizzard and the greatest headline in sports history

Happy Dicks was a linebacker at Georgia in the mid 60's, which will make this article about the journalist from Georgia, the late, Lewis Grizzard, AA– '68, that much funnier.

On the eve of the Georgia - South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was hanging out with three Sigma Pi brothers (the Hound, Tex , and Bake), drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on the Atlanta Highway . We were discussing the upcoming game against the Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key players out with injuries, including our starting DE, Billy Payne (who ran the Atlanta Olympics and is now Ch of the Board at Augusta National) and his roommate, MLB, Happy Dicks.

About 10:00 that night, another fraternity brother, Lewis Grizzard, came in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy (the first of many--all with the same name--Plaintiff). In addition to taking a full load at the University, he was working two jobs to help pay for (as he called it) "this expensive habit." A talented young man, he was writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.

Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced, "Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you'll witness journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my editor - and there's a good chance of that happening, since he looked drunk earlier this evening - you'll enjoy the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four of us went back over to the Fraternity house to get a head start on the weekend.

The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever - all because of the headline, which read:

DOGS TO PLAY COCKS WITH DICKS OUT.

There's no doubt about it, it was "the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

[3rensho]

I had forgotten about Grizzard.  He was quite a writer.  Quite a headline.  Another headline I remember (not by him) was when a small state college debating team defeated a major university in the Bay Area.  On Monday he headline read "Cunning Linguists Lick Opponents"

[Wildcat]

http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm

[KevinG]

Those are good.