Funny story of the day

[beefmann]

sheesh aas i look at it cockeyes

[ArnieM]

Giz, that's a good one.

Caney, you need a grammar checker.  ;D

[Tenpoint5]

Truths known only to an avid golfer!

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. 

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.   

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a 30 foot putt. For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.   

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away. 

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

One of my personal favorites:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00am to mow the grass.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)... 

It takes longer to learn to be a good  golfer than it does to become a brain  surgeon. On the other hand, you don't  get to ride around on a cart, drink  beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery !!!! 

[classicrockgriller]

Being an ex-golfer, that described my adventures in Cow Pasture Pool to the T.

Thanks for reminding me why I quit. ;D

[3rensho]

I quit at an early age for just the above reasons.  Thanks for posting

[classicrockgriller]

Like the Guy that came from Japan to visit America.

After getting back Home, he was ask how he liked visiting America.

He said, "America nice. They play funny games. Chase little white

ball around big field. Think game is called ...... Ah Sh*t."

[beefmann]

crock.... good  one

[Wildcat]

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.  He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.  This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.  Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.  I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.  I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.  Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.  It was your wife.  She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.



And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!!

[classicrockgriller]

That is Funny!

That one is a keeper.

[Wildcat]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy...'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?'  With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

[rdevous]

 
It's good to be a bartender!!!

 
Ray
 

[Quarlow]

Sometimes the "spirit peddlers are wise beyond their beers ..I mean years".

[rdevous]

 


A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.  The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am.  Ah'm real flattered.

Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'
 
 
Ray
 

[classicrockgriller]

;D Always enjoy your jokes Ray. Keep them coming!

[punchlock]

I thought it was funny....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkdoogjic4I