Funny story of the day

[beefmann]

FLB

that is so funny

[pensrock]

Good one FLB.  ;D ;D ;D

[smoker pete]

Why I'm Divorced ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..   

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.   

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'   

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.   

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.  So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.   

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.   

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'   I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'   

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,  Do We ?'   

I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind ?'  She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'   

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back.'  'Ok.' I nervously replied.   

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...  Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.   


And I just sat there....   

On the couch.....   

Naked.

[beefmann]

lol, and what exactly what were you  thinking??????? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[OU812]

NOW THATS FUNNY!!!!

[ArnieM]

Good one pete.

[HawkeyeSmokes]

A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING every one!!!!

[classicrockgriller]

;D ;D

That's Funny!

Happy Turkeyday to you too!

[Caneyscud]

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked,  "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1 /4  'ouncer'.

Parents in  Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $ 1 .5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, our shrinking 401k Plans and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected to a call center in Pakistan .   When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[smoker pete]

 ;D ;D LMAOROTF ... Sad but true  :'( :D

[rdevous]

 
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.  One summer they noticed a girl who  was at the beach almost every day.  She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
 
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.  But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
 
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
 
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'
 
He hadn't and said so.
 
Then she said, ' Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
 
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
 
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
 
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
 
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
 
'Well, what is it then?  What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
 
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
 
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
 
'Yes!' he replied.
 
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
 
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OOOOH!  You're gonna dislike me for this...but it will make your day!
 
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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
 
 
 
Ray

[pensrock]

That was bad Ray..... but funny.  ;D

[BuyLowSellHigh]

 ::)

Doh!!!

;D

[BuyLowSellHigh]

At St. Mark's Catholic Church in Weymouth, Massachusetts, USA, they hold weekly husband's marriage seminars. These are always well attended.

At the session last week, the priest asked Cristiano, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all those years.

Cristiano announced to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.'

The priest responded, 'Cristiano, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
anniversary?'

Cristiano proudly replied, ' I'ma gonna go picka her up.'

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D