Funny story of the day

[OU812]

Good one!

[Smokin Soon]

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*


A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and

Never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and

comfort him after a bad day.



She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live

without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his

deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.



She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man

in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,

seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...  

Never mind.

[smoker pete]

I'll drink to that  ;D ;D

[TMB]

Makes me want to start drinking!!   ;D

[jiggerjams]

Mmmmm Beer!!

Good one!!

[Smokin Soon]

That was supposed to be "TEABAG" bait! Guess she's not gonna bite. ;D

[Caneyscud]

Christmas with Louise

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

    Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut . "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

   

    I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[KevinG]

 ;D :D no pics never happened.

[ArnieM]

Good one Caney.  :D

[BuyLowSellHigh]

I laughed so hard, 'bout busted my gut.

Good one, Caney !

[iceman]

I'm still laughing Caney and it's been hours.  :D

[ArnieM]

Caney, I forwarded the text to my wife and daughters earlier.  I'm still hearing about it.  ;D

[rdevous]

 
A Little Christmas Story...



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
 
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
 
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
 
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'
 
..........and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
   
Not a lot of people know this....
 
 
Ray

 

[BuyLowSellHigh]

 ;D

[3rensho]

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in  Antarctica   - where do they go ?
                                   
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:


           "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
 
           "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


           "Then they kick him in the ice hole."