Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

One for the ladies.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
Girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
Middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
Her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and
Walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her
Apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
Do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
Kinky, for $20.00.. On one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
Replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
Her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely
Concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully
Said....


"Clean my house."

[3rensho]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[GusRobin]

I have just sprayed my dringk all over my desk  -good one

[ghost9mm]

Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of
American boys for mischief.

     
    At a high school in Montana , a group of students
    played a prank....they let three goats loose inside the school.

    But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on

    the sides of the goats:  1, 2, and 4.

    School Administrators spent most of the day looking for goat No. 3.........

[rdevous]

 
Wish I had thought of that in high school.....darn...shouldda...wouldda...couldda!!!

Good one!
 
Ray

 

[OU812]

That sounds like some of the crap my youngest son pulled when he was in high school.  ::)

[beefmann]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[SiFumar]

 TELL  ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96,  live in a house together.  One  night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and  pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out  of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll  come up and see.' She  starts up the stairs  and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The  92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening  to her sisters, she shakes her head  and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She  then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the  door.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO  US!!!! 


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing  golf one fine  March day.   One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the  second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed  in, 'So am I..  Let's have a beer.'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN  TO US!!!!

 

Joan was running up and down the halls of the nursing home.   As she
walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say  'Supersex.'
She walked up to Rich in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at  him, she
said, 'Supersex' He sat silently for a moment or two and  finally
answered, 'I'll take the soup.'



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO  US !!!!
 

Now this one is just too  Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many  decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities  and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a  few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing  cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me  ...  I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't  think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her  for at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.   Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to  know?'

   

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN  TO US!!!!
 

As a senior citizen was  driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard  his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the  news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be  careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car.   It's hundreds of
them!'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO  US !!!! 


Two elderly women  were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the  dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to  an
intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on  through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself  'I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a  red light.' After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection  and the light was red.
Again, they went right through.  The  woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red  but was really concerned
that she was losing it.  She was getting  nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was  red and they went on
through.  So, she turned to the other woman  and said,

'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through  three red lights in a
row?  You could have killed us  both!'

Mildred turned to her and said,

'Oh,  crap, am I driving?'   



TELL ME THIS  WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
 
   

[rdevous]

 
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problemsQQ with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
   
   
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
* 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
* 
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
* 
P: Dead bugs on wind shield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
* 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
* 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
* 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
* 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
* 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
* 
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
* 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
* 
P: Aircraft handles funny.  (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
* 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
* 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
 
And the best one for last
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
   
   
Ray
 
 

[ArnieM]

Thanks Ray.  Brightened up my afternoon  :D

[steve-o]

Ear Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[steve-o]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap.


The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

[josbocc]

A couple that had been married for a lengthy time were shopping at Wal-Mart.  The gentlemen sees that Budweiser is on sale for $10 a case, so he grabs a case, and puts it in the cart.  The wife turns to him and says, "We can't afford that, put it back."  The dutiful husband returns the beer to the shelf.

A few aisles down, the wife grabs a jar of facial cream, looks at the $20 price tag, and places it in the cart.  Before the husband could utter a word, the wife glares at him and says, "That's what I use to keep myself beautiful."  Without missing a beat the husband replies, "The budweiser works just as well, and it's only half the price."

Over the Public Address system:  "Man down Aisle 7..., Man Down Aisle 7"

:D :D :D

[wyoduke]

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DZgyrWoD9-04%26feature%3Dshare&h=d7008

[Quarlow]

A guy showed up at my door the other day. He was doing odd jobs in the neighbourhood to earn cash. I said "if you paint my porch outback I would give him a hundred bucks". He said "sure, what color would I like". I told him to "just match the color of the house". He knocked on the front door 4 hours later and said he was done. So I paid him the hundred and thanked him. He said "great but just one thing". I said "yes what is it". He said "that porch out back was actually a Mercedes".