Funny story of the day

[Tiny Tim]

A big pig, a mid-size pig, and a tiny pig stopped by a convenience store.  The big pig walks up to the clerk and orders the biggest soft drink they have, chugs it down, then asks the clerk where the restroom is.  Clerk says down the hall to the left.  Mid-size pig walks up, asks the clerk for the biggest soft drink they have, chugs it down, then also asks the clerk where the restroom is.  Clerk again says down the hall and to the left.  Finally the tiny pig walks up and orders the largest soft drink they have, and chugs it down.  Clerk waits a bit, then asks the tiny pig if he isn't going to ask where the restroom is.  Tiny pig says "no, don't you recognize me?  I'm the pig that goes wee wee all the way home".

[Quarlow]

Oh God Tiny that was straight from the cornball college. Hey now we know why it takes you so long to get home.  :D :D :D

[Hopefull Romantic]

I have been trying to catch up on reading the posts but not quite there yet so I hope this one is not already in here.



No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but
there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!


HR

[ArnieM]

That sounds like a reasonable definition by usage :D

Nice to see you back Hady!

[3rensho]

Good one Hady and it's a pleasure to have you back.

[rdevous]

 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience .. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
 
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I  thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
 
(You'll love this)
 
God replied: "Crap! I didn't recognize you."
 
 
Ray
 
 

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[grnhs]

lmao!

[ghost9mm]

THE IRS AND GRANDPA

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"



Don't mess with old people!!

[ghost9mm]

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.



...Dead silence...

[rdevous]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
 
Hello?
 
'Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?*
 
'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
 
**After a brief pause,**
 
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
 
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.'
 
**Brief Pause**
 
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
 
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
 
**A few minutes later**
 
The little girl comes back to the phone.  'I did it, Daddy.'
 
'And what happened, honey?'
 
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
 
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
 
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.  But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
 
 
*****Long Pause*****
 
 
*****Longer Pause*****
 
 
*****Even Longer Pause*****
 
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?...........Is this 486-5731?
 
 
 
"No, I think you have the wrong number!"
 
 
 
Ray
 
   

[Hopefull Romantic]

Great one Ray I honestly fell of my chair laughing.

Hady

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[devo]

Do you know what a Paraprosdokian is?????
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research. (Nope, it's also plagiarism. Research borrows.)

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

[Hopefull Romantic]

Devo, thank you for putting a smile on my face on a very trying day. Loved eacha nd everry one of them PARAPROSKADIANS.

HR