Funny story of the day

[ghost9mm]

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status.

Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely, Every Senator, Congressman or Governor running for President.

[3rensho]

Actually I think that pretty well applies to all the worthless sods in congress.

[Bigbirdoffroad]

If the opposite of Pro is Con, is the opposite of Progress, Congress???

[rdevous]

 
NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE.

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE.'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.


ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY  THIS AGAIN.'
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN,  YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE.'



Ray
 
 

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D

[devo]

Favorite Pet

[rdevous]

 
..........And it blinks!!!!!!  YIPES!!!

 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ, what'the hell" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[ghost9mm]

 ;D ;D ;D

[OU812]

"tell him thats a crow bar from Sears"

Now that was funny!  :D

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D  Good one.

[Slamdunk]

Did you hear the one about the mushroom that walked into the bar?

Yeah. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve your kind here."

And the mushroom looks at the bartender and says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

[3rensho]

Arghh   ;D ;D

[ananomoly]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."


The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS,...... But I was wrong too!" 
;D

[rdevous]

 
The only cow in a small town in Colorado stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Nebraska for $200.00.
 
They bought the cow from Nebraska and took it to their small Colorado town.  The cow was wonderful.  She produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
 
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like her.  They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.   They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
 
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
 
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, a very wise man, what to do.  They told the Vet what was happening.  "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.  When he approaches her from the front, she backs away.  When approached from the side and she walks away to the other side."
 
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Nebraska?"
 
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.  "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.  "How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska?"
 
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Nebraska..."
 
 
(Nebraska forum members...feel free to change state name to Iowa before sending this on!)


Ray