Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance, for which Boudreaux earned a handsome commission.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $60.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.  The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you haf da normal GI insurans an' you go to Afghanistan an' get youself killed, da governmen' hava pay Momma two tousan dollar." "But if you take out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only sixy dollar a mons, den da governmen' got ta pay you Momma two hunder tousand dollar!!"

"Now you tell me," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D One smart cajun

[ghost9mm]

I think I must be getting close to the last 10 years!!




On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "Thats a long time to be barking.. How about only ten
years and Ill give you back the other ten?"


So God agreed......



On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, Ill give you a twenty-year
life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? Thats a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God agreed......




On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmers family. For this, I will give you a
life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "Thats kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and Ill give back the other forty?"


And God agreed again......



On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, Ill give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."


So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. Im doing it
as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front
porch.

[TedEbear]

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - Anonymous

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. - James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Red Skelton

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - Sam Kinison

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous

[TedEbear]

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

She enters the living room, sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling" he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[TedEbear]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[TedEbear]

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up From the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put On her coat.

He says, "Where the heck are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."

[TedEbear]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big 0s who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[rdevous]

 
The Rabbi is leaving...
 
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
 
There is a hush within the congregation.
 
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
 
Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
 
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
 
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
 
More sighs and loud applause.
 
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
 
There is total silence.
 
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
 
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
 
"Well, I just asked my husband Abe how we could help, and he said, "F*#k  him!"
 
                 
Ray
     
 

[Wildcat]

Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband, Gus, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where
it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you Take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly , "you're a hundred and three.You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus, "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly .

"I don't remember."

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D at 74 I am nearly there...lol...

[ghost9mm]

I Just Realized Something.........



It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!

[GusRobin]

Probably smarter than most of them also.

[devo]

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She said,
"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my
favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman
Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Amen.