Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

Holy carp did you graduate from the "Cornball College" with my mom. LOL

[3rensho]

Arrrrrggggghhhhh  ;D ;D

[devo]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

She continued, "The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?"

[viper125]

LOL love it!

[rdevous]

 
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!'  The man . . . looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!!

 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

I knew I would find a use for all these frogs in my pond. LOL That is a good one.

[ghost9mm]

The Bacon  Tree :


Two Mexicans  are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,  wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down  and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey  Pepe, do you smell what I smell?  Ees bacon, I  theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With  renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the  distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon,  there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every  imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees  saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a  meerage?  We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe,  since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like  bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis is  so weak he staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5  metres; Pepe weakly crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine  gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally  wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back  man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi  amigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree.   Ees...


   Ees....

   Ees...



   Ees...
  Ees...


   Ees...


  Ees....       a ham  bush."   
   
Sorry...

[Salmonsmoker]

 ;D ;D

[mikecorn.1]

Lmao!!! A ham bush. That's funny.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rdevous]

 
Costco Doctor
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
 
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.  "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco.  Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs $10. 
A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.  He deposits $10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
 
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:  "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco!"
 
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from
himself for good measure.  Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
 
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
   
   
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

LMAO

[BigJoe]

That was good.

[Wildcat]

See if you can guess what this commercial is for before the end.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0

[mikecorn.1]

HERE ARE A COUPLE OF SHORT BLOND JOKES   ??? ??? ??? ???

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

:o  :o  ;D

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A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.

"May I see your license and registration, please?" asked the cop.

Miffed, the blonde said, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!"

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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

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In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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;D ;D ;D ;) ;) ;)

[Bavind]

See if you can guess what this commercial is for before the end.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0

That was freakin funny lol