Funny story of the day

[barbquebec]

An elderly couple were driving from the States to Canada and got lost.They stopped at a gas station and asked the attendant where they were.The attendant said,"Saskatoon-Saskatchewan...the old man returned to the car and his wife asked,"So,where are we?"...The old man replied,"I dunno...he didn't speak a word of English!" :0)

[Quarlow]

LOL. I like that one.

[TedEbear]

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

[Gafala]

Tedebear that fits my wife to a tea. :) ;D

[Gamecatcher]

I thought I had the only one of that model of GPS

[Snoopy]

So whipped up a quick lunch for the kiddos the other day, simple little mac n cheese and hot dogs. 5 year old daughter at the table says, "daddy, i like your cooking", i replied thanks and she follow it with, "I don't like moms cooking, or her driving" I about died laughing, my 8 year old looks at her and says, "i'm gonna tell mom." and without missing a beat she replies" she already knows".

[lumpy]

For all you Canuks........eh


A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border. 

May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. 



"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and ShaniaTwain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to Toronto "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto "?

The agent replied,



"I recognized Rob Ford  in the middle."

[icerat4]

Hi All been a long time.IM Back.. 8)

[Quarlow]

Geez, I haven't seen you since April 11 2011. LOL Welcome back.

[pikeman_95]

Cooter and Gomer.

Their friend Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and
were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Cooter said, ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over. '

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
'Nope, ain't Stanley'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up.  Roll him over.. '

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, ' How can you tell? '

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes? ' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[pondee]

I always consider a bacon burger to be a symbol of harmony between the animal kingdom. Two different species coming together for one goal, to be freakin' delicious.

Make it a Bacon Cheese Burger on Friday during Lent and there isn't a religion on earth with a dietary restriction that is not offended by that one sandwich.

[Saber 4]

I always consider a bacon burger to be a symbol of harmony between the animal kingdom. Two different species coming together for one goal, to be freakin' delicious.

Make it a Bacon Cheese Burger on Friday during Lent and there isn't a religion on earth with a dietary restriction that is not offended by that one sandwich.

Love it.

[TedEbear]

Stan was feeling pretty down one day and pulled over on the bridge. As he was getting ready to jump a voice boomed from the sky. "Stan I will grant you one wish if you step away from the edge. I have great plans for you. You don't want to do this."

Stan steps down and says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid of flying. Could you build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could drive over and check out that beautiful island?"

God hesitates a second and says " Look, I'm not saying I can't do it. After all I am God. But think of all the engineering involved. The tons of concrete, steel etc! Surely there must be something else that you'd like! Again, I'm not saying it can't be done, but this is a massive undertaking that you are asking for!"

Stan replies, "Well, the whole reason I'm up here is that my girlfriend is leaving me, my wife divorced me a few years ago. I think my problem is really that I just can't figure out women. I can't seem to ever make them happy. I guess I would really like to know how women operate."

There's a long moment of silence...
"Ah, getting back to that bridge. You want two lanes or three?"

[rdevous]

 
A classic revisited...
 
Yesterday my daughter emailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like my fishing and drinking wine is not a good thing.
 
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. 
 
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
 
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
 
I emailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 72 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I told her that I even got a membership card and emailed a copy to her.
 
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
 
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
 
The line went quiet and her husband picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
 
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun!!!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
The phone rings and the wife answers.....
 
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."
 
Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
 
   
Ray