Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

Ha that is a good one. LOL

[rdevous]

 
"NAG! NAG! NAG!"

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
 
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
 
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
I picked up my lovely first date at her parents' home.
 
I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
 
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu . . .
 
Patron tequila, shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster, and an expensive bottle of red wine.
 
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you are at home?"
 
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
 
I said, "Would you care for dessert?"
 
 
Ray
 
 
   

[beefmann]

lol

[ratherbboating]

I always consider a bacon burger to be a symbol of harmony between the animal kingdom. Two different species coming together for one goal, to be freakin' delicious.

[rveal23]

 
I picked up my lovely first date at her parents' home.
 
I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
 
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu . . .
 
Patron tequila, shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster, and an expensive bottle of red wine.
 
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you are at home?"
 
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
 
I said, "Would you care for dessert?"
 
 
Ray
 

Funny!

[rdevous]

 
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
 
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
 
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
 
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
 
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't  talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much  to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his  wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven where he saw a huge wall of clocks.
He asked, "what are all these clocks for"?
"Lie-clocks. Everytime you lie the hands on your clock move" an angel replied.
"Oh" said the man, "so who's clock is that one"?
"Thats Mother Teresa's clock. The hands never move indicating she has never told a lie".
"Incredible" said the man. "And who's clock is this one"?
"That is Lincoln's clock" the angel said " it has only moved twice, Abe only told 2 lies in his lifetime".
"So where is the Prime Minister's clock" asked the man?
"Oh it is in the office, we use it for a ceiling fan"!

[devo]

Now if you said that was  Prime Minister Stephen Harper,s clock I might have believed you  ::)

[Quarlow]

Well that is actually how it was printed in the mag I got it from. But it is a canadian mag and I wanted to stay in keeping with the theme of abe lincoln.

[Quarlow]

ok edited. I liked it better with the PM too. LOL

[iceman]

Mans best friends!  ;D

[rdevous]

 
Group Therapy:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
   
 
Ray
 
 

[Tenpoint5]

I'm thinking this covers several members of this forum!

[ragweed]

Chris,

You're not referring to your, "I want one of these" post are you?